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Let these funny Victims Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
We are called to be architects of the future, not its victims.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
Men's actions are too strong for them.
Show me a man who has acted,
and who has not been the victim
and slave of his action.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Most of us believe that we have
been betrayed by someone outside of us -
in other words someone has done something to hurt us,
been dishonest or broken a promise made:
some trust in some concept was broken.
Indeed someone may have taken an action
that took only their needs into consideration,
they may have not followed through on a promise made,
and they may have not told you the truth.
But their actions have nothing to do with you
and have everything to do with them.
That's why no one can do anything TO you.
They can take actions that involve you that you may not like -
according to your point of view.
But you are not a victim, no way, no how.
- Sheri Rosenthal
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I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death
No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles
It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary
One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin
You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken
No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein
One of the greatest pains to human nature is the pain of a new idea.
- Walter Bagehot
She drove me to drink.
That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
- the movie Never Give a Sucker an Even Break
The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
- Pope John Paul I
Let your sympathies and your compassion
be always with the under dog in the fight -
this is magnanimity;
but bet on the other one - this is business.
- Mark Twain
I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer
When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
- Walter Lippmann
If God listened to the prayers of men,
all men would quickly have perished:
for they are forever praying for evil against one another.
- Epicurus
Education is a method whereby
one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.
- Laurence J. Peter
Being a leader is like being a lady,
if you have to go around telling people you are one, you aren't.
- Margaret Thatcher
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind
and won't change the subject.
- Winston Churchill
Faced with the choice between changing one's mind
and proving that there is no need to do so,
almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
- John Kenneth Galbraith
"Appeasement" is the policy of feeding your friends to a crocodile,
one at a time, in hopes that the crocodile will eat you last.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you'll find one at the end of your arm.
- Audrey Hepburn
We are all atheists about most of the gods
that societies have ever believed in.
Some of us just go one god further.
- Richard Dawkins
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.
- Anonymous
Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.
- Terry Pratchett
The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin
One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
- Andre Gide
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln
No one was ever named "Hero" for following the crowd.
Heroes set their own course.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The best thing about the future is
that it comes one day at a time.
- Abraham Lincoln
The best way to appreciate your job
is to imagine yourself without one.
- Oscar Wilde
One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche
My father and he had one of those English friendships
which begins by avoiding the intimacies
and eventually eliminates speech altogether.
- Jorge Luis Borges
The worst government is often the most moral.
One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane.
But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.
- H. L. Mencken
One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
That's the secret to life . . .
replace one worry with another.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
A true friend is one who
overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson
Thaw with her gentle persuasion is more powerful
than Thor with his hammer.
The one melts, the other breaks into pieces.
- Henry David Thoreau
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
- Steve Martin
One's first love is always perfect
until one meets one's second love.
- Elizabeth Aston
The rite of the rings appeals yet appalls:
a cutting, a joining, a losing, a gaining.
One becomes half, as two become one.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A good indignation brings out all one's powers.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain
He who loves 50 people has 50 woes;
he who loves no one has no woes.
- The Buddha
One should always be in love.
That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde
The essence of all religions is one.
Only their approaches are different.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar.
- Helen Keller
One should never trust a woman who tells her real age.
If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
- Oscar Wilde
You can always do one thing less than you think you can.
- Anonymous
There is only one thing about which I am certain,
and that is that there is very little
about which one can be certain.
- W. Somerset Maugham
The greatest mistake you can make in life
is to be continually fearing you will make one.
- Elbert Hubbard
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.