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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny One Quotes
Funny Quotes about One

Let these funny One Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer PHOTO

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999) PHOTO

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes,
I had one thousand and sixty.
- Imelda Marcos


 

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

I have a new philosophy.
I'm only going to dread one day at a time.
- Charles M. Schulz

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin


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If my films make one more person miserable,
I'll feel I have done my job.
- Woody Allen

One picture is worth 1,000 denials.
- Ronald Reagan

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

One man's folly is another man's wife.
- Helen Rowland

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
- Mae West

I found there was only one way to look thin:
hang out with fat people.
- Rodney Dangerfield

You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein

I have six locks on my door all in a row.
When I go out, I lock every other one.
I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,
they are always locking three.
- Elayne Boosler

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
- Lily Tomlin

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.
- Bob Hope

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- Lana Turner

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein

I have a love interest in every one of my films:
a gun.
- Arnold Schwarzenegger

There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin

When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland

The reason there are two senators for each state is
so that one can be the designated driver.
- Jay Leno

I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.
- George Burns

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective

That's the secret to life . . .
replace one worry with another.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

Perhaps one has to be very old before one learns
to be amused rather than shocked.
- Pearl S. Buck

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.
- Anonymous

One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage:
the wife is in charge.
- Bill Cosby

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
- Steve Martin

My father and he had one of those English friendships
which begins by avoiding the intimacies
and eventually eliminates speech altogether.
- Jorge Luis Borges

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you'll find one at the end of your arm.
- Audrey Hepburn

If God listened to the prayers of men,
all men would quickly have perished:
for they are forever praying for evil against one another.
- Epicurus

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

I find that principles have no real force
except when one is well fed.
- Mark Twain

The rite of the rings appeals yet appalls:
a cutting, a joining, a losing, a gaining.
One becomes half, as two become one.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar.
- Helen Keller

Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.
- Terry Pratchett

Being a leader is like being a lady,
if you have to go around telling people you are one, you aren't.
- Margaret Thatcher

In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind
and won't change the subject.
- Winston Churchill

One of the greatest pains to human nature is the pain of a new idea.
- Walter Bagehot

The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous

In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep,
one must above all be a sheep oneself.
- Albert Einstein

Science is a wonderful thing
if one does not have to earn one's living at it.
- Albert Einstein

There are three hundred and sixty-four days
when you might get un-birthday presents,
and only one for birthday presents, you know.
- Lewis Carroll

A true friend is one who
overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson

The best thing about the future is
that it comes one day at a time.
- Abraham Lincoln

When written in Chinese, the word "crisis"
is composed of two characters.
One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.
- John F. Kennedy

Let your sympathies and your compassion
be always with the under dog in the fight -
this is magnanimity;
but bet on the other one - this is business.
- Mark Twain

If you want to test your memory, try to recall what
you were worrying about one year ago today.
- E. Joseph Cossman

Life is just one damned thing after another.
- Elbert Hubbard (Philistine - A Periodical of Protest, 1896)

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
- Mark Twain

We are all atheists about most of the gods
that societies have ever believed in.
Some of us just go one god further.
- Richard Dawkins

Thaw with her gentle persuasion is more powerful
than Thor with his hammer.
The one melts, the other breaks into pieces.
- Henry David Thoreau


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.