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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny Them Quotes
Funny Quotes about Them

Let these funny Them Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
- Mitch Hedberg

Always forgive your enemies -
nothing annoys them so much.
- Oscar Wilde

I wanted to see exotic Vietnam, the jewel of Southeast Asia.
I, uh, I wanted to meet interesting
and stimulating people of an ancient culture,
and kill them.
- the movie Full Metal Jacket


 

The Lord prefers common-looking people.
That is why he makes so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln

Everybody knows how to raise children,
except the people who have them.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Half the world is composed of idiots,
the other half, of people clever enough
to take indecent advantage of them.
- Walter Kerr


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There's a great power in words, if you don't hitch
too many of them together.
- Josh Billings

God has cared for these trees,
saved them from drought, disease, avalanches,
and a thousand tempests and floods.
But he cannot save them from fools.
- John Muir

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them;
I loathe and despise the groups
they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin

It is hard enough to remember my opinions,
without also remembering my reasons for them!
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Bureaucrats: they are dead at 30 and buried at 60.
They are like custard pies; you can't nail them to a wall.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

There are a terrible lot of lies going about the world,
and the worst of it is that half of them are true.
- Winston Churchill

Harvard takes perfectly good plums as students,
and turns them into prunes.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

Most men lead lives of quiet desperation
and go to the grave with the song still in them.
- Henry David Thoreau

Common looking people are the best in the world:
that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln

God must love the common man, he made so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln

All gods are homemade, and it is we who pull their strings,
and so, give them the power to pull ours.
- Aldous Huxley

Gods always behave like the people who make them.
- Zora Neale Hurston

People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.
- Dave Barry

Science may have found a cure for most evils;
but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all -
the apathy of human beings.
- Helen Keller

The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain

Men and women belong to different species and communications
between them is still in its infancy.
- Bill Cosby

Be smarter than other people, just don't tell them so.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Dumbo! C'mon, fly! Open them ears!
The magic feather was just a gag!
You can fly! Honest, you can!
- Timothy Q. Mouse in the movie Dumbo

Get the facts first.
You can distort them later.
- Mark Twain

Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
- Benjamin Franklin

Jesus was all right,
but his disciples were thick and ordinary.
It's them twisting it that ruins it for me.
- John Lennon

Except in cases of necessity, which are rare,
leave your friend to learn
unpleasant things from his enemies;
they are ready enough to tell them.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Civilization had too many rules for me,
so I did my best to rewrite them.
- Bill Cosby

Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president,
but they don't want them to become politicians in the process.
- John F. Kennedy

The way to silence religious disputes is to take no notice of them.
- Thomas Jefferson

Morality is the theory that every human act
must be either right or wrong,
and that 99 % of them are wrong.
- H. L. Mencken

All our dreams can come true,
if we have the courage to pursue them.
- Walt Disney

Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin

Law of Contrariness:
Our chief want in life is somebody
who shall make us do what we can.
Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I

Am I not destroying my enemies
when I make friends of them?
- Abraham Lincoln

Join the army. Visit strange and exotic places.
Meet fascinating people. And kill them.
- Anonymous

My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite
smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol
before, after and if need be during all meals
and in the intervals between them.
- Winston Churchill

We cannot choose our external circumstances,
but we can always choose how to respond to them.
- Epictetus

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance:
It attempts to work things out so that
everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
- George Carlin

The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed
(and hence clamorous to be led to safety)
by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins,
all of them imaginary.
- H. L. Mencken

Everyone is a prisoner of his own experiences.
No one can eliminate prejudices -
just recognize them.
- Edward R. Murrow

Customs do not concern themselves
with right or wrong or reason.
But they have to be obeyed;
one reasons all around them until he is tired,
but he must not transgress them, it is sternly forbidden.
- Mark Twain

I believe that everything happens for a reason.
People change so that you can learn to let go,
things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right,
you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself,
and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
- Marilyn Monroe

Every religion is true one way or another.
It is true when understood metaphorically.
But when it gets stuck in its own metaphors,
interpreting them as facts, then you are in trouble.
- Joseph Campbell

Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations.
I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty,
believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.
- Louisa May Alcott

While civilization has been improving our houses,
it has not equally improved
the men who are to inhabit them.
It has created palaces, but it was
not so easy to create noblemen and kings.
- Henry David Thoreau

Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love.
The real miracle is the love that inspires them.
In this sense everything that comes from love is a miracle.
- A Course in Miracles

People will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget
how you made them feel.
- Maya Angelou

I've learned that you should always
leave loved ones with loving words.
It may be the last time you see them.
- Anonymous

Normally, we do not so much look at things as overlook them.
- Alan Watts

My heroes are the ones who survived doing it wrong,
who made mistakes, but recovered from them.
- Bono

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes.
Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow.
Let reality be reality.
Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.
- Lao Tzu

Do not save your loving speeches
For your friends till they are dead;
Do not write them on their tombstones,
Speak them rather now instead.
- Anna Cummins

You can't stay in your corner of the Forest waiting for others to come to you.
You have to go to them sometimes.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)

Times like these, dark times,
they do funny things to people.
They can tear them apart.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)

Let us not pray to be sheltered from dangers
but to be fearless when facing them.
- Rabindranath Tagore

Obstacles are like wild animals.
They are cowards but they will bluff you if they can.
If they see you are afraid of them...
they are liable to spring upon you;
but if you look them squarely in the eye,
they will slink out of sight.
- Orison Swett Marden

We live in a wonderful world that is
full of beauty, charm and adventure.
There is no end to the adventures that we can have
if only we seek them with our eyes open.
- Jawaharlal Nehru

You will do foolish things,
but do them with enthusiasm.
- Colette

Naturally, the common people don't want war ...
but after all it is the leaders of a country who determine the policy,
and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along,
whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship.
Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought
to the bidding of the leaders.
That is easy. All you have to do is tell them
they are being attacked,
and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism
and exposing the country to danger.
It works the same in every country.
- Hermann Goering

Old age has deformities enough of its own.
It should never add to them the deformity of vice.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Farewell My Friend
It was beautiful as long as it lasted
The journey of my life.
I have no regrets whatsoever
save the pain I'll leave behind.
Those dear hearts who love and care...
And the strings pulling at the heart and soul...
The strong arms that held me up
When my own strength let me down.
At every turning of my life
I came across good friends,
Friends who stood by me,
Even when the time raced me by.
Farewell, farewell my friends
I smile and bid you goodbye.
No, shed no tears for I need them not
All I need is your smile.
If you feel sad do think of me
for that's what I'll like
when you live in the hearts
of those you love, remember then
you never die.
- Gitanjali Ghei

You know you love someone when you know
you want them to be happy,
even if their happiness means
that you are not a part of it.
- Anonymous

Alas for those that never sing,
But die with all their music in them!
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

The only way to discover the limits of the possible
is to go beyond them into the impossible.
- Arthur C. Clarke

When someone you love dies,
you don't lose them all at once.
You lose them in pieces over time
- the movie Simon Birch

However many holy words you read, however many you speak,
what good will they do you if you do not act on upon them?
- The Buddha

A person isn't who they are during
the last conversation you had with them -
they're who they've been
throughout your whole relationship.
- Rainer Maria Rilke


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