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Funny Know Quotes
Funny Quotes about Know

Let these funny Know Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country
are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
- George Burns

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin

If you don't know where you are going,
you might wind up someplace else.
- Yogi Berra


 

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is,
he's stuck with so many bad actors
who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor


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Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.
She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneres

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things,
and I have succeeded fairly well.
- Robert Benchley

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

You know what? Maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
- the movie Shrek (2001)

He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor

I don't have to look up my family tree,
because I know that I'm the sap.
- Fred Allen

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world.
I know because I've done it thousands of times.
- Mark Twain

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time,
when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
- Marilyn vos Savant

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
- Mitch Hedberg

I feel the need to express something,
but I don't know what it is I want to express.
- the movie Interiors

I don't have a bank account because I don't know my mother's maiden name.
- Paula Poundstone

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

I am no longer young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
- Steve Martin

When you become senile, you won't know it.
- Bill Cosby

I don't know which will go first - rock 'n' roll or Christianity.
- John Lennon

Faith: not wanting to know what is true.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer

Do not bite at the bait of pleasure,
till you know there is no hook beneath it.
- Thomas Jefferson

People who think they know everything
are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov

I refuse to answer that question
on the grounds that I don't know the answer
- Douglas Adams

There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
- John Lennon

Know that the greatest fear is fear of the unknown.
Seek to meet the unknown with courage and a sense of adventure.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I am not young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde

There are four stages in a marriage.
First there's the affair,
then the marriage,
then children
and finally the fourth stage,
without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.
- Norman Mailer

Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because
he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong
only because he has remained silent.
- Winston Churchill

The most difficult thing in the world
is to know how to do a thing
and to watch somebody else doing it wrong,
without comment.
- Theodore. H. White

There are three hundred and sixty-four days
when you might get un-birthday presents,
and only one for birthday presents, you know.
- Lewis Carroll

One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche

All people know the same truth.
Our lives consist of how we chose to distort it.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

If you ask me anything I don't know,
I'm not going to answer.
- Yogi Berra

You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous

The trouble with the world is not
that people know too little,
but that they know so many things that ain't so.
- Mark Twain

Faith is believing what you know ain't so.
- Mark Twain

I love to shop after a bad relationship.
I don't know. I buy a new outfit
and it makes me feel better. It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit,
I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner

I don't know, I don't care,
and it doesn't make any difference!
- Albert Einstein

You know the only people who are always sure about
the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.
- Bill Cosby

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer
but wish we didn't.
- Erica Jong

I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer

Is it ignorance or apathy?
Hey, I don't know and I don't care.
- Jimmy Buffett

I know that God made the whole world in 4004 BC.
I know because my preacher told me. He's a good man.
He's even saving up all the money we give him
to go to bible college someday.
- Anonymous Humor

You wanna know the meaning of life?
Fugedaboudit - It ain't happnin.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

We're more popular than Jesus now;
I don't know which will go first, rock 'n' roll or Christianity.
- John Lennon

Stand Tall, Stand Proud.
Know that you are unique and magnificent.
You do not need the approval of others.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink.
I needn't argue with that; I'm right and I will be proved right.
We're more popular than Jesus now;
I don't know which will go first - rock and roll or Christianity.
- John Lennon

To know God, watch a butterfly return to the same tree -
after a year and a thousand miles.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr (Serenity Prayer)

You know that place between sleeping and awake,
that place where you can still remember dreaming?
That's where I'll always think of you.
- James M. Barrie

Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge:
it is those who know little, and not those who know much,
who so positively assert that this or that problem
will never be solved by science.
- Charles Darwin

A person is smart. People are dumb,
panicky dangerous animals and you know it.
Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew
the Earth was the center of the universe.
Five hundred years ago,
everybody knew the Earth was flat,
and fifteen minutes ago,
you knew that humans were alone on this planet.
Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.
- the movie Men in Black

Know the power and the peace of saying,
"I love you just the way you are."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

To know yet to think that one does not know is best;
Not to know yet to think that one knows
will lead to difficulty.
- Lao Tzu

If you don't know where you're going,
any road will take you there.
- Lewis Carroll
(Alice in Wonderland)

Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates.
You never know what you're gonna get.
- the movie Forrest Gump

Know thyself.
- Socrates (inscribed on the ancient Greek temple at Delphi)

One can not reflect in streaming water.
Only those who know internal peace can give it to others.
- Lao Tzu

You know you love someone when you know
you want them to be happy,
even if their happiness means
that you are not a part of it.
- Anonymous

Assumptions are beliefs that don't know they are beliefs.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Between believing a thing and thinking you KNOW
is only a small step and quickly taken.
- Mark Twain

People don't care how much you know
until they know how much they care.
- John C. Maxwell

Know that your life is designed to be an adventure.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

It hurts to love someone
and not be loved in return,
but what is more painful is to love
someone and never find the courage
to let that person know how you feel.
- Anonymous

If you were a warrior,
you would know that the worst thing
one can do is confront human beings directly.
- Carlos Castaneda


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.