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Woody Allen Quotes
Funny Quotes by Woody Allen

Let these funny Woody Allen Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.

Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

The food at this place is really terrible ...
and such small portions.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

There's nothing wrong with being afraid.
We were meant to be afraid.
- the Woody Allen movie Anything Else

I'm awash in self-contempt!
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity


 

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen

I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry


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Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- Woody Allen

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

I'm going to go in the bathroom and scream.
I'll be out in a minute.
- the Woody Allen movie What's New Pussycat

I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)

I don't believe in the after life,
although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
- Woody Allen

I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage
is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year
for cheating on my metaphysics final ...
I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point

If my films make one more person miserable,
I'll feel I have done my job.
- Woody Allen

I have a very low threshold of death.
My doctor says I can't have bullets enter my body at any time.
- the Woody Allen movie Casino Royale

Money is better than poverty,
if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

The lion and the calf shall lie down together,
but the calf won't get much sleep.
- Woody Allen

You have no values. With you its all nihilism,
cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
- Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen

All people know the same truth.
Our lives consist of how we chose to distort it.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

It's just gossip, you know. Gossip is the new pornography.
- the Woody Allen movie Manhattan (1979)

I will not eat oysters.
I want my food dead.
Not sick.
Not wounded.
Dead.
- Woody Allen

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,'
probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
- Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
- Woody Allen

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have,
instead of what you don't have.
- Woody Allen

Why does man kill? He kills for food.
And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
- Woody Allen

I am two with nature.
- Woody Allen

Basically my wife was immature.
I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
- Woody Allen

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
- Woody Allen

I have a very pessimistic view of life.
You should know this about me if we're gonna go out.
You know, I - I feel that life is -
is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
Those are the two categories, you know.
The - the horrible would be like, um,
I don't know, terminal cases, you know,
and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life.
It's amazing to me. You know, and the miserable is everyone else.
That's - that's - so - so - when you go through life -
you should be thankful that you're miserable
because you're very lucky to be miserable.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
- Woody Allen

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely.
Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes,
comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
- Woody Allen

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile,
but that would be beating a dead horse.
- Woody Allen

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
- Woody Allen

I had a terrible education.
I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
- Woody Allen

If you're not failing every now and again,
it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
- Woody Allen

Why are our days numbered and not, say,
lettered?
- Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
I want to achieve it through not dying.
- Woody Allen

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people.
The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed
to enjoy the waking hours much more.
- Woody Allen

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
- Woody Allen

Sex without love is a meaningless experience,
but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
- Woody Allen

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.
- Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
- Woody Allen

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body,
only the body has more fun.
- Woody Allen

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
- Woody Allen

I'm not afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering -
and it's all over much too soon.
- Woody Allen

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch.
My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
- Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
- Woody Allen

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
- Woody Allen

I was nauseous and tingly all over.
I was either in love or I had smallpox.
- Woody Allen

Marriage is the death of hope.
- Woody Allen

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion
dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
- Woody Allen

When we played softball, I'd steal second base,
feel guilty and go back.
- Woody Allen

Dying is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
- Woody Allen

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
- Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
- Woody Allen

Most of the time I don't have much fun.
The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
- Woody Allen

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
- Woody Allen

In California, they don't throw their garbage away -
they make it into TV shows.
- Woody Allen

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
- Woody Allen

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action.
They rented out my room.
- Woody Allen


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