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Woody Allen Quotes and Sayings
Funny Quotes by Woody Allen

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

Related topics: Funny Cynical Sad Feeling-Down Romantic Love

I don't believe in the after life,
although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen

You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)

I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage
is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year
for cheating on my metaphysics final ...
I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

The food at this place is really terrible ...
and such small portions.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

I'm awash in self-contempt!
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

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To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories

I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- Woody Allen

I'm going to go in the bathroom and scream.
I'll be out in a minute.
- the Woody Allen movie What's New Pussycat

There's nothing wrong with being afraid.
We were meant to be afraid.
- the Woody Allen movie Anything Else

I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

I have a very low threshold of death.
My doctor says I can't have bullets enter my body at any time.
- the Woody Allen movie Casino Royale

All people know the same truth.
Our lives consist of how we chose to distort it.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
- Woody Allen

The lion and the calf shall lie down together,
but the calf won't get much sleep.
- Woody Allen

Money is better than poverty,
if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen

Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

I have a very pessimistic view of life.
You should know this about me if we're gonna go out.
You know, I - I feel that life is -
is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
Those are the two categories, you know.
The - the horrible would be like, um,
I don't know, terminal cases, you know,
and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life.
It's amazing to me. You know, and the miserable is everyone else.
That's - that's - so - so - when you go through life -
you should be thankful that you're miserable
because you're very lucky to be miserable.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

You have no values. With you its all nihilism,
cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen

Relationship Quotes and Sayings

A true friend is someone who
thinks that you are a good egg
even though he knows that
you are slightly cracked.
- Bernard Meltzer

Best Friends: we're a parade - even by ourselves!
- Mary Anne Radmacher

It is far better to be alone,
than to be in bad company.
- George Washington

Every man should have a fair-sized cemetery
in which to bury the faults of his friends.
- Henry Brooks Adams

The best time to make friends is before you need them.
- Ethel Barrymore

The worst part of success is to try to find
someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler

Big sisters are the crabgrass in the lawn of life.
- Linus Van Pelt in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts cartoon

You only meet your once in a lifetime friend ...
once in a lifetime.
- Little Rascals

Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

Be careful the friends you choose -
for you will become like them.
- W. Clement Stone

Nothing is more cheerful than talking
about our friends' shortcomings.
- Mason Cooley

I have lost friends, some by death ...
others by sheer inability to cross the street.
- Virginia Woolf

The best way to keep your friends
is not to give them away.
- Wilson Mizner

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

Sometimes, our family's most important job
is reminding us how unimportant we are.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl
could want in her life, except for good taste in men.
- Anonymous

A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler

From wine what sudden friendship springs.
- John Gay

Your children need your presence
more than your presents.
- Jesse Jackson

Nothing echoes like an empty mailbox.
- Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

An old friend will help you move.
A good friend will help you move a dead body.
- Jim Hayes

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring,
close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns

Your friends love you anyway.
- Dave Barry

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck

Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious
as to have friends at a distance;
they make the latitudes and the longitudes.
- Henry David Thoreau

The most interesting information comes from children,
for they tell all they know and then stop.
- Mark Twain

Choose your friends carefully.
Your enemies will choose you.
- Yasser Arafat

Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore,
and that's what parents were created for.
- Ogden Nash

Nine-tenths of the people were created
so you would want to be with the other tenth.
- Horace Walpole

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

The feeling of friendship is like that
of being comfortably filled with roast beef;
love, like being enlivened with champagne.
- Samuel Johnson

My father and he had one of those English friendships
which begins by avoiding the intimacies
and eventually eliminates speech altogether.
- Jorge Luis Borges

A loyal friend laughs at your jokes
when they're not so good,
and sympathizes with your problems
when they're not so bad.
- Arnold H. Glasgow

When we find someone whose weirdness
is compatible with ours,
we join up with them and fall into
mutually satisfying weirdness -
and call it love - true love.
- Robert Fulghum.

Contrary to general belief,
I do not believe that friends are necessarily
the people you like best,
they are merely the people who got there first.
- Peter Ustinov

Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
- Anonymous

A true friend is one who
overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson

I'm a very loyal and unreliable friend.
- Bono

I want a girl just like good old mom,
who is different in every way.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Do not use a hatchet to remove
a fly from your friend's forehead.
- Chinese Proverb

"Appeasement" is the policy of feeding your friends to a crocodile,
one at a time, in hopes that the crocodile will eat you last.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt

Modern cynics and skeptics... see no harm in paying those
to whom they entrust the minds of their children
a smaller wage than is paid to those to whom
they entrust the care of their plumbing.
- John F. Kennedy

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