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Mark Twain Quotes and Sayings
Funny Quotes by Mark Twain

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)

A person with a new idea is
a crank until the idea succeeds.
- Mark Twain

Related topics: Wisdom Funny Motivational

Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
- Mark Twain

Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority,
it is time to pause and reflect.
- Mark Twain

It's not what you don't know that kills you,
it's what you know for sure that ain't true.
- Mark Twain

Action speaks louder than words but not nearly as often.
- Mark Twain

When we remember we are all mad,
the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain

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We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks-
if we agree with him.
- Mark Twain

Why not go out on a limb?
Isn't that where the fruit is?
- Mark Twain

If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you always got.
- Mark Twain

It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain

When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain

The proper office of a friend is to side with you
when you are in the wrong.
Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.
- Mark Twain

The most interesting information comes from children,
for they tell all they know and then stop.
- Mark Twain

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain

Golf is a good walk spoiled.
- Mark Twain

Don't part with your illusions.
When they are gone you may still exist,
but you have ceased to live.
- Mark Twain

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world.
I know because I've done it thousands of times.
- Mark Twain

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

Between believing a thing and thinking you KNOW
is only a small step and quickly taken.
- Mark Twain

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain

Get the facts first.
You can distort them later.
- Mark Twain

The trouble with the world is not
that people know too little,
but that they know so many things that ain't so.
- Mark Twain

Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain

Never try to teach a pig to sing.
It wastes your time, and it annoys the pig.
- Mark Twain

Always do the right thing.
It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
- Mark Twain

Let your sympathies and your compassion
be always with the under dog in the fight -
this is magnanimity;
but bet on the other one - this is business.
- Mark Twain

Never put off till tomorrow
what you can do the day after tomorrow.
- Mark Twain

Tell me about a person's family, friends, and community,
and I'll tell you what his opinions are.
- Mark Twain
(paraphrase)

The very ink with which all history
is written is merely fluid prejudice.
- Mark Twain

Comedy keeps the heart sweet.
- Mark Twain

Truth is stranger than fiction,
but that is because Fiction is obliged
to stick to possibilities; Truth isn't.
- Mark Twain

Few things are harder to put up with
than the annoyance of a good example.
- Mark Twain

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant
I could hardly stand to have the old man around.
But when I got to be 21, I was astonished
at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
- Mark Twain

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born
at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
- Mark Twain

Faith is believing what you know ain't so.
- Mark Twain

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool,
than to speak and remove all doubt.
- sometimes attributed to Mark Twain, Abraham Lincoln, or Samuel Johnson

Loyalty to country ALWAYS.
Loyalty to government, when it deserves it.
- Mark Twain

It ain't those parts of the Bible
that I can't understand that bother me,
it is the parts that I do understand.
- Mark Twain

We have the best government that money can buy.
- Mark Twain

I do not fear death.
I had been dead for billions and billions
of years before I was born,
and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
- Mark Twain

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
- Mark Twain

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
- Mark Twain

If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain

All you need in this life is ignorance and confidence;
then success is sure.
- Mark Twain

The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.
- Mark Twain

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet
and steady and loyal and enduring a nature
that it will last through a whole lifetime,
if not asked to lend money.
- Mark Twain

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
- Mark Twain

Suppose you were an idiot,
and suppose you were a member of Congress;
but I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain

Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination.
- Mark Twain

I find that principles have no real force
except when one is well fed.
- Mark Twain

Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
- Mark Twain

The church is always trying to get other people to reform;
it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little,
by way of example.
- Mark Twain

If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
- Mark Twain

In religion and politics, people's belief's and convictions
are in almost every case gotten at second hand,
and without examination
- Mark Twain

The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain

The lack of money is the root of all evil.
- Mark Twain

Customs do not concern themselves
with right or wrong or reason.
But they have to be obeyed;
one reasons all around them until he is tired,
but he must not transgress them, it is sternly forbidden.
- Mark Twain

Laws are sand, customs are rock.
Laws can be evaded and punishment escaped,
but an openly transgressed custom brings sure punishment.
The penalty may be unfair, unrighteous, illogical, and a cruelty;
no matter, it will be inflicted, just the same.
Certainly, then, there can be but one wise thing
for a visiting stranger to do -
find out what the country's customs are,
and refrain from offending against them.
- Mark Twain

Person Quotes and Sayings

The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec

I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

It takes a long while for a naturally trustful person
to reconcile himself to the idea that
after all God will not help him
- H. L. Mencken

A competent and self-confident person is
incapable of jealousy in anything.
Jealousy is invariably a symptom of neurotic insecurity.
- Robert A. Heinlein

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times,
always with the same person.
- Germaine Greer

And you, Sonja, you look more beautiful
standing here than you do in person.
- the movie Love and Death (1975)

A person who never made a mistake
never tried anything new.
- Albert Einstein

The person who says it cannot be done
should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- Chinese proverb

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