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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny Out Quotes
Funny Quotes about Out

Let these funny Out Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

Life is like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute -
only the last couple seconds are fatal,
but most people are scared to death the whole way down.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller PHOTO

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin


 

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter
quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic

Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child
could understand this report.
Run out and find me a four-year-old child,
I can't make head or tail of it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup

I'm going to go in the bathroom and scream.
I'll be out in a minute.
- the Woody Allen movie What's New Pussycat


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I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I used to jog but the ice cubes kept falling out of my glass.
- David Lee Roth

Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci

I have six locks on my door all in a row.
When I go out, I lock every other one.
I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,
they are always locking three.
- Elayne Boosler

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

I washed a sock.
Then I put it in the dryer.
When I took it out, it was gone.
- Rod Schmidt

EVERYONE has the right to make an ass out of themselves.
- Harold and Maude (The movie )

New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter

I'm not a real movie star.
I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
- Will Rogers

I found there was only one way to look thin:
hang out with fat people.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)

Sucking the marrow out of life
doesn't mean choking on the bone.
- Robin Williams as John Keating
in the 1989 movie Dead Poets Society

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year
for cheating on my metaphysics final ...
I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin

You can safely assume that you've
created God in your own image
when it turns out that God hates
all the same people you do.
- Anne Lamott

A good indignation brings out all one's powers.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I don't think the intelligence reports are all that hot.
Some days I get more out of the New York Times.
- John F. Kennedy

Watch out, I have a Magic Wand.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

This is serious, get out your magic wand.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I have taken more out of alcohol
than alcohol has taken out of me.
- Winston Churchill

It's better to burn out, than to fade away.
- Neil Young

If it turns out that there IS a God,
I don't think that he's evil.
I think that the worst you can say about him
is that basically he's an underachiever.
- the movie Love and Death

I do not believe that civilization will be wiped out
in a war fought with the atomic bomb.
Perhaps two-thirds of the people of the earth will be killed.
- Albert Einstein

If you are out to describe the truth,
leave elegance to the tailor.
- Albert Einstein

Life is like a sewer...
what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer

The third certainty of life, after death and taxes,
is that nothing will work out the way you want.
Life is fully as bad as you think it is.
Choose to live joyfully anyway.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A New Year's resolution is something that
goes in one Year and out the other.
- Anonymous

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons
out of the hands of fools.
Let's start with typewriters.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

How do you want to be remembered?
Live life full out - Begin today.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is serious, get out your magic wand.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Do not take life too seriously.
You will never get out of it alive.
- Elbert Hubbard

Money won't make you happy...
but everybody wants to find out for themselves.
- Zig Ziglar

Any idiot can face a crisis.
It's the day-to-day living that wears you out.
- Anton Chekhov

The will to believe chases out the rational mind,
whenever and wherever the two come into conflict.
- Philip K. Dick

Never let the fear of striking out get in your way.
- Babe Ruth

I always seem to get inspiration and renewed vitality
by contact with this great novel land of yours
which sticks up out of the Atlantic.
- Winston Churchill

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin

A common denominator of all religions is that
they have the power to bring out the best and the worst in people.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The beauty does not live out there;
the beauty's in my eyes.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Fully experience THIS moment -
breathe in, breathe out - nothing more.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance:
It attempts to work things out so that
everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
- George Carlin

Darkness cannot drive out darkness;
only light can do that.
Hate cannot drive out hate;
only love can do that.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

As I have discovered by examining my past,
I started out as a child.
Coincidentally, so did my brother.
My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket,
so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell,
who taught me what was meant by "survival of the fittest."
- Bill Cosby

In boundless love as a Christian and as a man
I read through the passage which tells us
how the Lord at last rose in His might
and seized the scourge to drive out of the Temple
the brood of vipers and of adders.
- Adolph Hitler

Soon we'll be out amid the cold world's strife.
Soon we'll be sliding down the razor blade of life.
But as we go our sordid sep'rate ways,
We shall ne'er forget thee, thou golden college days.
Hearts full of youth,
Hearts full of truth,
Six parts gin to one part vermouth.
- Tom Lehrer - song: Bright College Days,
album: An Evening Wasted With Tom Lehrer

Today is your day to dance lightly with life,
sing wild songs of adventure,
invite rainbows and butterflies out to play,
soar your spirit, and unfurl your joy.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Move out of your comfort zone. You can only
grow if you are willing to feel awkward and
uncomfortable when you try something new.
- Brian Tracy

The world is perfect. It's a mess.
It has always been a mess.
We are not going to change it.
Our job is to straighten out our own lives.
- Joseph Campbell

Poets have said that the reason to have children is
to give yourself immortality.
Immortality? Now that I have five children,
my only hope is that they are all out of the house before I die.
- Bill Cosby

Be curious; be adventurous; live life full-out.
Accept the challenge, and reach for the brass ring.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A ship in port is safe,
but that's not what ships are built for.
Sail out to sea and do new things.
- Grace Hopper

Life is a dangerous - ultimately fatal - endeavor,
so you may as well live it full out.
Chart your course, cast off the lines,
and boldly sail the seas of life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Remain calm, serene, always in command of yourself.
You will then find out how easy it is to get along.
- Paramahansa Yogananda

I have found out that though the ways in which
I can make myself useful are few,
yet the work open to me is endless.
- Helen Keller

Falling out of love is very enlightening.
For a short while you see the world with new eyes.
- Iris Murdoch

Habit is habit,
and not to be flung out of the window by any man,
but coaxed down-stairs a step at a time.
- Mark Twain

To fall in love is awfully simple,
but to fall out of love is simply awful.
- Bess Myerson

Dream up the world you want to live in. Dream out loud.
- Bono

If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up.
Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.
- Michael Jordan

The walls we build around us to
keep sadness out also keeps out the joy.
- Jim Rohn

Don't live down to expectations.
Go out there and do something remarkable.
- Wendy Wasserstein

The revelation of thought takes men
out of servitude into freedom.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Play full-out and enjoy all of Life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Why not go out on a limb?
Isn't that where the fruit is?
- Mark Twain


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.