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Funny Religion Quotes
Funny Quotes about Religion

Let these funny Religion Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

Religion is the masterpiece of the art of animal training,
for it trains people as to how they should think.
- Arthur Schopenhauer

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde PHOTO

Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death

Anyone who can worship a trinity
and insist that his religion is a monotheism
can believe anything.
- Robert A Heinlein


 

Almost any sect, cult, or religion will
legislate its creed into law
if it acquires the political power.
- Robert A. Heinlein

I don't doubt God. I have firm faith absolutely in God.
It's religion I'm doubting.
- Bono

I don't like to commit myself about heaven and hell -
you see, I have friends in both places.
- Mark Twain


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I don't know which will go first - rock 'n' roll or Christianity.
- John Lennon

Random chance seems to have operated in our favor ...
there was no deity involved.
- Spock character in the Star Trek television series

It is the things for which there is no evidence
that are believed with passion.
- Bertrand Russell

True believers just don't see things the way they are,
because if they did, they wouldn't be true believers anymore.
- Philip Caputo

In every country and every age,
the priest had been hostile to Liberty.
- Thomas Jefferson

The church is always trying to get other people to reform;
it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little,
by way of example.
- Mark Twain

God is a concept by which we measure our pain.
- John Lennon

You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous

Jesus was all right,
but his disciples were thick and ordinary.
It's them twisting it that ruins it for me.
- John Lennon

I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln

It is an open question whether any behavior
based on fear of eternal punishment
can be regarded as ethical
or should be regarded as merely cowardly.
- Margaret Mead

Interesting.
You Earth people glorify organized violence for 40 centuries,
but you imprison those who employ it privately.
- the character Spock in the television series Star Trek

Puritanism. The haunting fear that
someone, somewhere, may be happy.
- H. L. Mencken

The way I see it, it doesn't matter what you believe,
just so you're sincere.
- Linus Van Pelt in Charles M. Schulz' Go Fly A Kite, Charlie Brown

It ain't those parts of the Bible
that I can't understand that bother me,
it is the parts that I do understand.
- Mark Twain

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
- Pope John Paul I

Anyone who thinks sitting in church
can make you a Christian must also think
that sitting in a garage can make you a car.
- Garrison Keillor

The believer's ray of light is the cynic's sunburn.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

When I hear a man preach,
I like to see him act as if he were fighting bees.
- Abraham Lincoln

An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it.
- Don Marquis

In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep,
one must above all be a sheep oneself.
- Albert Einstein

Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Every man prefers belief to the exercise of judgment.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca

If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain

If we were meant to be happy,
why did God create war, hunger, and the 11 o'clock news?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Morality is the theory that every human act
must be either right or wrong,
and that 99 % of them are wrong.
- H. L. Mencken

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
- Naguib Mahfouz

Creationists make it sound as though a "theory'
is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night.
- Isaac Asimov

One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein

Question with boldness even the existence of a God;
because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason,
than that of blind-folded fear.
- Thomas Jefferson

For centuries, theologians have been explaining
the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- H. L. Mencken

The faith that stands on authority is not faith.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Christian missionary may preach the gospel
to the poor naked heathen,
but the spiritual heathen who populate Europe
have as yet heard nothing of Christianity.
- Carl Jung

We are all atheists about most of the gods
that societies have ever believed in.
Some of us just go one god further.
- Richard Dawkins

You can safely assume that you've
created God in your own image
when it turns out that God hates
all the same people you do.
- Anne Lamott

The essence of all religions is one.
Only their approaches are different.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

The objection to Puritans is not that
they try to make us think as they do,
but that they try to make us do as they think.
- H. L. Mencken

Computers are like Old Testament gods;
lots of rules and no mercy.
- Joseph Campbell

A common denominator of all religions is that
they have the power to bring out the best and the worst in people.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The invisible and nonexistent look much alike.
- Delos B. McKown

The way to silence religious disputes is to take no notice of them.
- Thomas Jefferson

Gods always behave like the people who make them.
- Zora Neale Hurston

Never trust spiritual leader who doesn't dance.
- Miyagi: character in the movie The Next Karate Kid

The existence of an anthropomorphic
"Father-figure" deity is not impossible,
merely exceptionally improbable and illogical.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

If it turns out that there IS a God,
I don't think that he's evil.
I think that the worst you can say about him
is that basically he's an underachiever.
- the movie Love and Death

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin

Difference of opinion is advantageous in religion.
The several sects perform the office of a Censor -
over each other.
- Thomas Jefferson

I contend that we are both atheists.
I just believe in one fewer god than you do.
When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods,
you will understand why I dismiss yours.
- Stephen Roberts

Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge:
it is those who know little, and not those who know much,
who so positively assert that this or that problem
will never be solved by science.
- Charles Darwin

In religion and politics, people's belief's and convictions
are in almost every case gotten at second hand,
and without examination
- Mark Twain

Religion is regarded by the common people as true,
by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca

Science without religion is lame,
religion without science is blind.
- Albert Einstein

I never considered a difference of opinion
in politics, in religion, in philosophy,
as cause for withdrawing from a friend.
- Thomas Jefferson

Lord, grant that I might not so much
seek to be loved as to love.
- St. Francis of Assisi

The God of Children and Fools:
There once was a man way up high,
who sat on his chair in the sky.
he called down to fool us,
and said he would rule us,
until we woke up bye and bye.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Anyone who knows history, particularly
the history of Europe, will, I think,
recognize that the domination
of education or of government
by any one particular religious faith
is never a happy arrangement for the people.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Do not let Sunday be taken from you.
If your soul has no Sunday, it becomes an orphan.
- Albert Schweitzer

All religions are the same:
Religion is basically guilt, with different holidays.
- Cathy Ladman

If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one.
- Mother Teresa

I cannot persuade myself that a
beneficent and omnipotent God
would have designedly created parasitic wasps
with the express intention of their feeding
within the living bodies of caterpillars.
- Charles Darwin

I love you when you bow in your mosque,
kneel in your temple, pray in your church.
For you and I are sons of one religion,
and it is the Spirit.
- Khalil Gibran

More and more people care about religious tolerance
as fewer and fewer care about religion.
- Alexander Chase

Religion is the idol of the mob; it adores everything it does not understand.
- Frederick II

Just in terms of allocation of time resources,
religion is not very efficient.
There's a lot more I could be doing on a Sunday morning.
- Bill Gates


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