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Funniest Quotes

Funniest Movie Quotes of All Time - Funniest Quotes Ever

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
- Woody Allen (Harry Block - Deconstructing Harry - 1997)

Welcome to this collection of The Funniest Quotes Ever. We have the Funniest Movie Quotes of All Time plus the funniest quotes of Mark Twain, Oscar Wilde, and more of the funniest people ever.

Funniest Quotes

Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer

Minds are like parachutes. They only function when they are open.
- James Dewar

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor


 

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen

Life is like a ten speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz


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Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.
- Will Rogers

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train.
- Anonymous

Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.
- Truman Capote

Experience is the name everyone gives to their mistakes.
- Oscar Wilde

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
- Woody Allen

Always forgive your enemies - nothing annoys them so much.
- Oscar Wilde

When everything comes your way you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous

Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
- Mark Twain

Love is blind; friendship closes its eyes.
- Anonymous

A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.
- Oscar Wilde

Funniest Quotes Ever

Humor is reason gone mad.
- Groucho Marx

A true friend stabs you in the front.
- Oscar Wilde

Gossip is the art of saying nothing in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.
- Walter Winchell

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde

Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
- Mark Twain

Friends are God's way of apologizing to us for our families.
- Anonymous

Life is a constant oscillation between the sharp horns of dilemmas.
- H. L. Mencken

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
- Bob Hope

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields

Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.
- Benjamin Franklin

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
- Woody Allen

Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us wordy evidence of the fact.
- George Eliot

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon.
- Napoleon Bonaparte

Funniest Movie Quotes

For me, these are the Funniest Movie Quotes of All Time - the Funniest Quotes from Movies ever.

You have to learn to push the guilt under the rug and move on, otherwise it overwhelms you.
- Woody Allen (Chris Wilton - Match Point - 2005)

Sucking the marrow out of life doesn't mean choking on the bone.
- Robin Williams (John Keating - Dead Poets Society - 1989)

I'm awash in self-contempt!
- Woody Allen (Lee Simon - Celebrity - 1998)

I have faith. I just need proof to back it up.
- (Joe - Simon Birch - 1998)

I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- Woody Allen (Robin Simon - Celebrity - 1998)

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
- Woody Allen (Harry Block - Deconstructing Harry - 1997)

The most important words in the English language are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- Woody Allen (Harry Block - Deconstructing Harry - 1997)

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
- Woody Allen (Harry Block - Deconstructing Harry - 1997)

Funniest Quotes of All Time

Learn the rules so you know how to break them properly.
- Dalai Lama

A lifelong friend is someone you haven't borrowed money from yet.
- Anonymous

Do the right thing. It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
- Mark Twain

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- Woody Allen

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.
- Winston Churchill

It is impossible to begin to learn that which one thinks one already knows.
- Epictetus

Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
- Anonymous

Always listen to the experts. They'll tell you what can't be done and why. Then do it.
- Robert Heinlein

A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
- Anonymous

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on. It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde

Half the world is composed of idiots, the other half of people clever enough to take indecent advantage of them.
- Walter Kerr

Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.
- the movie Forrest Gump

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
- H. L. Mencken

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living; the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov

Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
- Carl Sandburg

Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
- Mark Twain

Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.
- Albert Einstein

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.
- Benjamin Franklin

The most difficult phase of life is not when no one understands you, it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous quote

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.
- Albert Einstein

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain

Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.
- Anonymous

Funniest Quotes in the World

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer

It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
- Mark Twain

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles Schulz' Peanuts comic

Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.
- Oscar Wilde

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx

Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
- Benjamin Franklin

Forget love... I'd rather fall in chocolate.
- Anonymous

It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain

Love is what makes two people sit in the middle of a bench when there is plenty of room at both ends.
- Anonymous

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain

Love is like an hourglass, with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
- Jules Renard

I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde

Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired.
- Robert Frost

A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
- Will Rogers

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
- Mark Twain

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

Today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
- Anonymous

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
- H. L. Mencken

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- H. L. Mencken

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken


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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.