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Hilarious Quotes

Double over with Laughter at these Hilarious Quotes

Life is like a ten speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz

Laugh out loud at these Hilarious Quotes - clean, but beyond funny and without redemption, other than the joy of rolling with laughter. These Hilarious Quotes range from classic to modern and touch on many aspects of life from love to business, religion to politics.

• Hilarious Quotes about Life
• Hilarious Quotes about Love
• Hilarious Quotes about Marriage
• Hilarious Quotes about Friends and Family
• Hilarious Quotes about Business
• Hilarious Quotes about Religion
• Hilarious Quotes about Politics

Hilarious Quotes

I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde

Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
- Mark Twain

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
- Mark Twain

Any fool can criticize, condemn and complain and most fools do.
- Benjamin Franklin

 

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
- Woody Allen

Hilarious Quotes about Life

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde

Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer

Life is like an onion: you peel it off one layer at a time, and sometimes you weep.
- Carl Sandburg

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Life would be infinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
- Mark Twain

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act.
- Truman Capote

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
- Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen

Life is like a ten speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz

Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.
- Oscar Wilde

Hilarious Quotes about Love

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles Schulz' Peanuts comic

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
- H. L. Mencken

Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.
- H. L. Mencken

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- H. L. Mencken

If love is the answer, could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West

Hilarious Quotes about Marriage

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
- G. K. Chesterton

Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Anonymous

Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken

The four most important words in any marriage..."I'll do the dishes."
- Anonymous

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

Hilarious Quotes about Friends and Family

A lifelong friend is someone you haven't borrowed money from yet.
- Anonymous

A true friend stabs you in the front.
- Oscar Wilde

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx

Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.
- Anonymous

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns

Hilarious Quotes about Business

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money they don't have for something they don't need.
- Will Rogers

Money won't make you happy... but everybody wants to find out for themselves.
- Zig Ziglar

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
- Bob Hope

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
- Edgar Bergen

Don't underestimate your abilities, that's your boss's job.
- Anonymous

Hilarious Quotes about Religion

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- Woody Allen

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen

Some people are so heavenly minded that they are no earthly good.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- H. L. Mencken

Puritanism. The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
- H. L. Mencken

Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
- Mark Twain

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde

Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
- Isaac Asimov

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein

Some people are so heavenly minded that they are no earthly good.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- H. L. Mencken

We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
- H. L. Mencken

It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
- Mark Twain

A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.
- Will Rogers

Creationists make it sound as though a 'theory' is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night.
- Isaac Asimov

Hilarious Quotes about Politics

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
- Winston Churchill

A fool and his money are soon elected.
- Will Rogers

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
- Will Rogers

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.
- Oscar Wilde

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.
- Winston Churchill

A good politician is quite as unthinkable as an honest burglar.
- H. L. Mencken

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers

We have the best government that money can buy.
- Mark Twain

Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
- Oscar Wilde

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