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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny Me Quotes
Funny Quotes about Me

Let these funny Me Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

Let me bring peace into moments of chaos.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I don't care whose fault this was, just get it sorted!
And could someone please bring me something deep fat fried
and smothered in chocolate.
- the movie Shrek 2

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year
for cheating on my metaphysics final ...
I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

Don't threaten me with a dead fish.
- the movie Withnail & I (1987)


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Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child
could understand this report.
Run out and find me a four-year-old child,
I can't make head or tail of it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup

You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein

Don't expect me to get excited over
another damn thing we need to find.
- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010)


 

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea;
but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
- Abraham Lincoln

I have no fear of the gallows ... They're going to shoot me.
- the movie Love and Death

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx

I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal
of meeting me is another matter.
- Winston Churchill

The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine

Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)

Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death

Serious illness doesn't bother me for long
because I am too inhospitable a host.
- Albert Schweitzer

Do not speak to me of rules.
This is war! This is not a game of cricket!
- from the movie The Bridge On The River Kwai

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
- Pope John Paul I

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
- Winston Churchill

If you ask me anything I don't know,
I'm not going to answer.
- Yogi Berra

It ain't those parts of the Bible
that I can't understand that bother me,
it is the parts that I do understand.
- Mark Twain

I love to shop after a bad relationship.
I don't know. I buy a new outfit
and it makes me feel better. It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit,
I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner

I have taken more out of alcohol
than alcohol has taken out of me.
- Winston Churchill

She drove me to drink.
That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
- the movie Never Give a Sucker an Even Break

If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house
with the conscious design of doing me good,
I should run for my life.
- Henry David Thoreau

I begin with the principle that all men are bores.
Surely no one will prove himself
so great a bore as to contradict me in this.
- Soren Kierkegaard

I once had a rose named after me
and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue:
no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Give me the luxuries of life
and I will willingly do without the necessities.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

My father always told me that
all businessmen were sons of bitches,
but I never believed it till now.
- John F. Kennedy

Really I feel less keen about the Army every day.
I think the Church would suit me better.
- Winston Churchill

Tell me about a person's family, friends, and community,
and I'll tell you what his opinions are.
- Mark Twain
(paraphrase)

I don't care what anybody says about me
as long as it isn't true.
- Truman Capote

Well excuse me - we've got something
a little unusual going on here -
time travel, parallel universes,
or just a little common ordinary insanity.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

It has always been a mystery to me
how men can feel themselves honored
by the humiliation of their fellow beings.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?"
Then a voice answers "Nothing personal,
your name just happened to come up. -
- Charlie Brown, in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

Jesus was all right,
but his disciples were thick and ordinary.
It's them twisting it that ruins it for me.
- John Lennon

I have tried lately to read Shakespeare,
and found it so intolerably dull that it nauseated me.
- Charles Darwin

A question that sometimes drives me hazy:
am I or are the others crazy?
- Albert Einstein

Eating words has never given me indigestion.
- Winston Churchill

Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you.
- Carl Jung

It would be insane for me to
lose sleep over the opinions of others.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I know that God made the whole world in 4004 BC.
I know because my preacher told me. He's a good man.
He's even saving up all the money we give him
to go to bible college someday.
- Anonymous Humor

I am a self-centered spoiled-rotten brat,
Thank you for nurturing me.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Love me when I least deserve it,
because that's when I really need it.
- Swedish Proverb

Grant That I May Radiate Thy Light, Thy Love,
Thy Healing, Thy Joy, and Thy Peace,
to All Those Around Me
and All Those in My Thoughts
This Day and Ever More.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Listen to the cry of a woman in labor at the hour of giving birth -
look at the dying man's struggle at his last extremity,
and then tell me whether something that begins and ends thus
could be intended for enjoyment.
- Soren Kierkegaard

Apathy, indifference, not caring...
It may sound insensitive for me to say, "I don't care,"
but ask first to what I am indifferent.
I choose to be caring, compassionate
and kind toward all people,
and I also choose to be indifferent to gossip,
petty complaints, and idle chatter.
About those, I just don't care.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Self-respect is not a function of size, age, or wealth.
Breathe deep, sing loud and sweet,
"I am me, I am unique, I am magnificent."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Let there be peace on earth.
And let it begin with me.
- Jill Jackson Miller

Give me your tired, your poor,
your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.
- written on the Statue of Liberty in New York harbor

If the Almighty were to rebuild the world and asked me for advice,
I would have English Channels round every country.
And the atmosphere would be such that
anything which attempted to fly would be set on fire.
- Winston Churchill

Today is your day to laugh at life,
laugh at what's funny - laugh at what's sad,
laugh loud - laugh often,
laugh at me - laugh at you - laugh at life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The Ought-To Need-To Tango:
I am racked with the guilt and the pain of I should,
and I ought, and I can't, but I must.
I can't rest; I can't sleep; I'm just not understood,
and I hate that the world is unjust.
I have work; I have woes; I have troubles for life;
but I don't have a ME that I trust.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr (Serenity Prayer)

Truth is absolute, but only to one person.
My truth is absolute to me, and your truth is absolute to you.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I was thinking that I might fly today.
Just to disprove all the things you say...
please be careful with me, I'm sensitive,
and I'd like to stay that way.
- Jewel

Driving me away is easier than saying goodbye.
- Erica Jong

I have three kinds of friends:
those who love me,
those who pay no attention to me,
and those who detest me.
- Nicolas De Chamfort

I Am One With Spirit and All Creation -
I give thanks for the unity of all creation
and for everything that has brought me to this moment.
I release my entire being to the gentle nurture of Spirit.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.
- C. S. Lewis

Touch me in the morning
Then just walk away
We don't have tomorrow
But we had yesterday
- Ron Miller/Michael Masser

When ordinary life shackles me,
I escape, one way or another. No more walls.
- Anais Nin

I have lost my seven best friends,
which is to say that God has had mercy on me
seven times without realizing it.
He lent a friendship, took it from me, and sent me another.
- Jean Cocteau

Farewell My Friend
It was beautiful as long as it lasted
The journey of my life.
I have no regrets whatsoever
save the pain I'll leave behind.
Those dear hearts who love and care...
And the strings pulling at the heart and soul...
The strong arms that held me up
When my own strength let me down.
At every turning of my life
I came across good friends,
Friends who stood by me,
Even when the time raced me by.
Farewell, farewell my friends
I smile and bid you goodbye.
No, shed no tears for I need them not
All I need is your smile.
If you feel sad do think of me
for that's what I'll like
when you live in the hearts
of those you love, remember then
you never die.
- Gitanjali Ghei

IF it is to be, it is up to me.
- Anonymous

I Receive ALL of Life with Thanksgiving -
I have gratitude for EVERYTHING
that has ever occurred to bring me to this moment.
I give thanks for the joys and the sufferings,
the moments of peace and the flashes of anger,
the compassion and the indifference,
the roar of my courage and the cold sweat of my fear.
I accept gratefully the entirety of my past and my present life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

It gives me great pleasure indeed to see the stubbornness
of an incorrigible nonconformist warmly acclaimed.
- Albert Einstein

Only that in you which is me can hear what I'm saying.
- Ram Dass

I always like walking in the rain,
so no one can see me crying.
- Charlie Chaplin

When you're drowning, you don't say,
"I would be incredibly pleased if someone
would have the foresight to notice
me drowning and come and help me,"
you just scream.
- John Lennon

Maybe I could have loved you better.
Maybe you should have loved me more.
Maybe our hearts were just next in line.
Maybe everything breaks sometime.
- Jewel


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.