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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny Me Quotes
Funny Quotes about Me

Let these funny Me Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

Grant That I May Radiate Thy Light, Thy Love,
Thy Healing, Thy Joy, and Thy Peace,
to All Those Around Me
and All Those in My Thoughts
This Day and Ever More.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

If this is coffee, please bring me some tea;
but if this is tea, please bring me some coffee.
- Abraham Lincoln

I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal
of meeting me is another matter.
- Winston Churchill

My Father had a profound influence on me.
He was a lunatic.
- Spike Milligan


 

I have no fear of the gallows ... They're going to shoot me.
- the movie Love and Death

I buy expensive suits.
They just look cheap on me.
- Warren Buffett

My mother was against me being an actress -
until I introduced her to Frank Sinatra.
- Angie Dickinson


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It is easy for me to love myself, but for ladies to
do it is another question altogether.
- Johnny Vegas

Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death

You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein

Don't expect me to get excited over
another damn thing we need to find.
- Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1 (2010)

Serious illness doesn't bother me for long
because I am too inhospitable a host.
- Albert Schweitzer

He taught me housekeeping; when I divorce I keep the house.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

I don't need you to remind me of my age.
I have a bladder to do that for me.
- Stephen Fry

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- Fred Allen

Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child
could understand this report.
Run out and find me a four-year-old child,
I can't make head or tail of it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
- Saint Augustine

The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well,
no, I was an accountant.
- Ellen DeGeneres

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year.
I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
- Claude Pepper

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.
- Groucho Marx

Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)

I don't care whose fault this was, just get it sorted!
And could someone please bring me something deep fat fried
and smothered in chocolate.
- the movie Shrek 2

Don't threaten me with a dead fish.
- the movie Withnail & I (1987)

My father would take me to the playground,
and put me on mood swings.
- Jay London

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced
so they won't think something's wrong with me.
- Elayne Boosler

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year
for cheating on my metaphysics final ...
I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

She drove me to drink.
That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
- the movie Never Give a Sucker an Even Break

A question that sometimes drives me hazy:
am I or are the others crazy?
- Albert Einstein

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?"
Then a voice answers "Nothing personal,
your name just happened to come up. -
- Charlie Brown, in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

It ain't those parts of the Bible
that I can't understand that bother me,
it is the parts that I do understand.
- Mark Twain

I don't care what anybody says about me
as long as it isn't true.
- Truman Capote

I have tried lately to read Shakespeare,
and found it so intolerably dull that it nauseated me.
- Charles Darwin

It has always been a mystery to me
how men can feel themselves honored
by the humiliation of their fellow beings.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

If you ask me anything I don't know,
I'm not going to answer.
- Yogi Berra

History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
- Winston Churchill

Give me the luxuries of life
and I will willingly do without the necessities.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

Well excuse me - we've got something
a little unusual going on here -
time travel, parallel universes,
or just a little common ordinary insanity.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I am a self-centered spoiled-rotten brat,
Thank you for nurturing me.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I know that God made the whole world in 4004 BC.
I know because my preacher told me. He's a good man.
He's even saving up all the money we give him
to go to bible college someday.
- Anonymous Humor

It would be insane for me to
lose sleep over the opinions of others.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I once had a rose named after me
and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue:
no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Do not speak to me of rules.
This is war! This is not a game of cricket!
- from the movie The Bridge On The River Kwai

I love to shop after a bad relationship.
I don't know. I buy a new outfit
and it makes me feel better. It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit,
I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner

Tell me about a person's family, friends, and community,
and I'll tell you what his opinions are.
- Mark Twain
(paraphrase)

Really I feel less keen about the Army every day.
I think the Church would suit me better.
- Winston Churchill

Civilization had too many rules for me,
so I did my best to rewrite them.
- Bill Cosby

Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you.
- Carl Jung

My father always told me that
all businessmen were sons of bitches,
but I never believed it till now.
- John F. Kennedy

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
- Pope John Paul I

If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house
with the conscious design of doing me good,
I should run for my life.
- Henry David Thoreau

My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood,
but it didn't because parenting can only be learned
by people who have no children.
- Bill Cosby

Eating words has never given me indigestion.
- Winston Churchill

I begin with the principle that all men are bores.
Surely no one will prove himself
so great a bore as to contradict me in this.
- Soren Kierkegaard

I have taken more out of alcohol
than alcohol has taken out of me.
- Winston Churchill

Jesus was all right,
but his disciples were thick and ordinary.
It's them twisting it that ruins it for me.
- John Lennon

If the Almighty were to rebuild the world and asked me for advice,
I would have English Channels round every country.
And the atmosphere would be such that
anything which attempted to fly would be set on fire.
- Winston Churchill

Apathy, indifference, not caring...
It may sound insensitive for me to say, "I don't care,"
but ask first to what I am indifferent.
I choose to be caring, compassionate
and kind toward all people,
and I also choose to be indifferent to gossip,
petty complaints, and idle chatter.
About those, I just don't care.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

As I have discovered by examining my past,
I started out as a child.
Coincidentally, so did my brother.
My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket,
so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell,
who taught me what was meant by "survival of the fittest."
- Bill Cosby

The Ought-To Need-To Tango:
I am racked with the guilt and the pain of I should,
and I ought, and I can't, but I must.
I can't rest; I can't sleep; I'm just not understood,
and I hate that the world is unjust.
I have work; I have woes; I have troubles for life;
but I don't have a ME that I trust.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Let me bring peace into moments of chaos.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Let there be peace on earth.
And let it begin with me.
- Jill Jackson Miller

Today is your day to laugh at life,
laugh at what's funny - laugh at what's sad,
laugh loud - laugh often,
laugh at me - laugh at you - laugh at life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Give me your tired, your poor,
your huddled masses yearning to breathe free.
- written on the Statue of Liberty in New York harbor

Self-respect is not a function of size, age, or wealth.
Breathe deep, sing loud and sweet,
"I am me, I am unique, I am magnificent."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Nobody can hurt me without my permission.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr (Serenity Prayer)

Love me when I least deserve it,
because that's when I really need it.
- Swedish Proverb

Listen to the cry of a woman in labor at the hour of giving birth -
look at the dying man's struggle at his last extremity,
and then tell me whether something that begins and ends thus
could be intended for enjoyment.
- Soren Kierkegaard

When you're drowning, you don't say,
"I would be incredibly pleased if someone
would have the foresight to notice
me drowning and come and help me,"
you just scream.
- John Lennon


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.