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George Carlin Quotes
Funny Quotes by George Carlin

Let these funny George Carlin Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin


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No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin

If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- George Carlin


 

The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,
he no longer is.
- George Carlin

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them;
I loathe and despise the groups
they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy,
but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I'd have to say that the universe
aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
- George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- George Carlin

Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin

So far, this is the oldest I've been.
- George Carlin

I don't like to think of laws
as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
- George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- George Carlin

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance:
It attempts to work things out so that
everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
- George Carlin

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do
every minute of every day. And the invisible man
has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do.
And if you do any of these things,
he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire
and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner PHOTO

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999) PHOTO

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer PHOTO

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein

One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken

When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland

Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous

One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin

In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep,
one must above all be a sheep oneself.
- Albert Einstein

Being a leader is like being a lady,
if you have to go around telling people you are one, you aren't.
- Margaret Thatcher

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age.
If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
- Oscar Wilde

Thaw with her gentle persuasion is more powerful
than Thor with his hammer.
The one melts, the other breaks into pieces.
- Henry David Thoreau

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.
- Anonymous

That's the secret to life . . .
replace one worry with another.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

Perhaps one has to be very old before one learns
to be amused rather than shocked.
- Pearl S. Buck

One of the greatest pains to human nature is the pain of a new idea.
- Walter Bagehot

Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.
- Terry Pratchett

I've developed a new philosophy...
I only dread one day at a time.
- the character Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic

Never stir up litigation.
A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this.
- Abraham Lincoln

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous

The worst government is often the most moral.
One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane.
But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.
- H. L. Mencken

Tombs are the clothes of the dead.
A grave is a plain suit;
while an expensive monument is one with embroidery.
- R. Buckminster Fuller

A true friend is one who
overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson

If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain

He who loves 50 people has 50 woes;
he who loves no one has no woes.
- The Buddha

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln

One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar.
- Helen Keller

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind
and won't change the subject.
- Winston Churchill

One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
- Andre Gide

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
- Mark Twain

When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
- Walter Lippmann


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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