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George Carlin Quotes and Sayings
Funny Quotes by George Carlin

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin

Related topics: Funny Friendship Relationship

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,
he no longer is.
- George Carlin

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The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin

I don't like to think of laws
as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
- George Carlin

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them;
I loathe and despise the groups
they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy,
but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
- George Carlin

So far, this is the oldest I've been.
- George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- George Carlin

If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I'd have to say that the universe
aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin

Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance:
It attempts to work things out so that
everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
- George Carlin

One Quotes and Sayings

It is one thing to say that something should be done,
but quite a different matter to do it.
- Aesop

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown
is the belief that one's work is terribly important.
- Bertrand Russell

Watch what people are cynical about,
and one can often discover what they lack.
- George S. Patton

It is well to remember that the
entire population of the universe,
with one trifling exception, is composed of others.
- Andrew J. Holmes

When trouble arises and things look bad,
there is always one individual who perceives a solution
and is willing to take command.
Very often, that individual is crazy.
- Dave Barry

An optimist is one who makes the best
of what he gets the worst of.
- Anonymous

One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

One never notices what has been done;
one can only see what remains to be done.
- Marie Curie

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

If you believe in forever,
then life is just a one night stand.
- The Righteous Brothers

It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin

One day Alice came to a fork in the road
and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.
"Which road do I take?" she asked.
His responses was a question: "Where do you want to go?"
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
- Lewis Carroll

There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death

You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland

In order to fly, all one must do is simply miss the ground.
- Douglas Adams

The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous

By all means marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher
and that is a good thing for any man.
- Socrates

Most of us spend our lives as if
we have another one in the bank.
- Ben Irwin

There are three hundred and sixty-four days
when you might get un-birthday presents,
and only one for birthday presents, you know.
- Lewis Carroll

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
- Pope John Paul I

One's first love is always perfect
until one meets one's second love.
- Elizabeth Aston

Thaw with her gentle persuasion is more powerful
than Thor with his hammer.
The one melts, the other breaks into pieces.
- Henry David Thoreau

A New Year's resolution is something that
goes in one Year and out the other.
- Anonymous

Faced with the choice between changing one's mind
and proving that there is no need to do so,
almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
- John Kenneth Galbraith

Sometimes, indeed, there is such a discrepancy
between the genius and his human qualities
that one has to ask oneself whether
a little less talent might not have been better.
- Carl Jung

A true friend is one who
overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson

Let your sympathies and your compassion
be always with the under dog in the fight -
this is magnanimity;
but bet on the other one - this is business.
- Mark Twain

People do not like to think.
If one thinks, one must reach conclusions.
Conclusions are not always pleasant.
- Helen Keller

Perhaps one has to be very old before one learns
to be amused rather than shocked.
- Pearl S. Buck

One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live,
it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
- Oscar Wilde

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