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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny Not Quotes
Funny Quotes about Not

Let these funny Not Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999) PHOTO

"It's not that important,
don't worry about it" is the answer,
now what was the question?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie PHOTO

It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain PHOTO


 

Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer

It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel


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Have enough sense to know, ahead of time,
when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
- Marilyn vos Savant

Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove

Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
- Calvin Coolidge

O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet.
- Saint Augustine

The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you;
she is after your barn.
- Hesiod

I'm not a real movie star.
I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
- Will Rogers

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers

Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous

One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill

Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West

DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb
cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
- Dave Barry

I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
- Mitch Hedberg

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Anonymous

I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln

Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein

Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill

I wish I had the nerve not to tip.
- Paul Lynde

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein

God did not intend religion to be an exercise club.
- Naguib Mahfouz

I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes,
I had one thousand and sixty.
- Imelda Marcos

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

I do not believe that civilization will be wiped out
in a war fought with the atomic bomb.
Perhaps two-thirds of the people of the earth will be killed.
- Albert Einstein

The church is always trying to get other people to reform;
it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little,
by way of example.
- Mark Twain

No matter how calmly you try to referee,
parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior,
and I'm not talking about the kids.
Their behavior is always normal.
- Bill Cosby

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet
and steady and loyal and enduring a nature
that it will last through a whole lifetime,
if not asked to lend money.
- Mark Twain

Man's nature is not essentially evil.
Brute nature has been known to
yield to the influence of love.
You must never despair of human nature.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

I am certainly not an authority on love because there
are no authorities on love,
just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.
- Bill Cosby

Am I not destroying my enemies
when I make friends of them?
- Abraham Lincoln

It's not very heroic to slay dragons.
Dragons are generally very peaceful and well behaved.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

It's not much of a tail, but I'm sort of attached to it.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)

It's not clutter, it's my unique filing system.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems,
but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
- Herm Albright

Silence is not always a Sign of Wisdom,
but Babbling is ever a folly.
- Benjamin Franklin

Belief is not the beginning but the end of all knowledge.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

A loyal friend laughs at your jokes
when they're not so good,
and sympathizes with your problems
when they're not so bad.
- Arnold H. Glasgow

When dealing with people, remember you are
not dealing with creatures of logic,
but creatures of emotion.
- Dale Carnegie

I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because
he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong
only because he has remained silent.
- Winston Churchill

A ship in harbor is safe -
but that is not what ships are for.
- John A. Shedd

The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper
is that your guests are so pleased
to feel how very much better they are.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

We are finally driven to monogamy
not by morality but by exhaustion.
- Erica Jong

There is no use whatsoever trying to help
people who do not help themselves.
You cannot push anyone up a ladder
unless he is willing to climb himself.
- Andrew Carnegie

Do not speak to me of rules.
This is war! This is not a game of cricket!
- from the movie The Bridge On The River Kwai

Although personally I am quite content with existing explosives,
I feel we must not stand in the path of improvement.
- Winston Churchill

The mind is not a vessel to be filled
but a fire to be kindled.
- Plutarch

Delusion: belief said to be false by someone who does not share it.
- Thomas Szasz

The trouble with the world is not
that people know too little,
but that they know so many things that ain't so.
- Mark Twain

I once had a rose named after me
and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue:
no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt


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May the world be kind to you,
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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.