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Let these funny Not Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
"It's not that important,
don't worry about it" is the answer,
now what was the question?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie 
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein
I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers
Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Anonymous
It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)
Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
Faith: not wanting to know what is true.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
I once had a rose named after me
and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue:
no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Although personally I am quite content with existing explosives,
I feel we must not stand in the path of improvement.
- Winston Churchill
Contrary to general belief,
I do not believe that friends are necessarily
the people you like best,
they are merely the people who got there first.
- Peter Ustinov
For centuries, theologians have been explaining
the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- H. L. Mencken
Am I not destroying my enemies
when I make friends of them?
- Abraham Lincoln
Normal is not something to aspire to,
it's something to get away from.
- Jodie Foster
I think that there is nothing, not even crime,
more opposed to poetry, to philosophy, ay, to life itself
than this incessant business.
- Henry David Thoreau
Do not laugh much or often or unrestrainedly.
- Epictetus
It's not much of a tail, but I'm sort of attached to it.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems,
but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
- Herm Albright
A loyal friend laughs at your jokes
when they're not so good,
and sympathizes with your problems
when they're not so bad.
- Arnold H. Glasgow
The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain
People who say it cannot be done should not
interrupt those who are doing it.
- George Bernard Shaw
Belief is not the beginning but the end of all knowledge.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Man's nature is not essentially evil.
Brute nature has been known to
yield to the influence of love.
You must never despair of human nature.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous
It's not clutter, it's my unique filing system.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
There is no use whatsoever trying to help
people who do not help themselves.
You cannot push anyone up a ladder
unless he is willing to climb himself.
- Andrew Carnegie
Though I am a servant, I am not your servant.
- Ursula K. Le Guin
The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper
is that your guests are so pleased
to feel how very much better they are.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
The function of muscle is to pull and not to push,
except in the case of the genitals and the tongue.
- Leonardo da Vinci
When dealing with people, remember you are
not dealing with creatures of logic,
but creatures of emotion.
- Dale Carnegie
I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Ending a sentence with a preposition is
something up with which I will not put.
- Winston Churchill
Do not use a hatchet to remove
a fly from your friend's forehead.
- Chinese Proverb
When I want to be bold about my movement ...
I for sure do not call it exercise!
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because
he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong
only because he has remained silent.
- Winston Churchill
The lawyer's truth is not Truth,
but consistency or a consistent expediency.
- Henry David Thoreau
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do;
the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
- Mary Wilson Little
Science is a wonderful thing
if one does not have to earn one's living at it.
- Albert Einstein
Adventure is not outside man; it is within.
- George Eliot
I do not fear death.
I had been dead for billions and billions
of years before I was born,
and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
- Mark Twain
If you can not answer a man's argument,
all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
- Elbert Hubbard
If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain
The church is always trying to get other people to reform;
it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little,
by way of example.
- Mark Twain
Do not take life too seriously.
You will never get out of it alive.
- Elbert Hubbard
One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
- Andre Gide
The person who says it cannot be done
should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- Chinese proverb
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.