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Sarcastic Quotes - Sarcastic Sayings

People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov

Caution, I took a day off from being nice, and assembled a collection of Sarcastic Quotes. I hope you will find these quotes funny, cute, or entertaining. It is not my purpose to offend anyone, and I have looked toward the more gentle and funny sarcasm of people such as Winston Churchill, Mark Twain, and Oscar Wilde.

Sarcastic Quotes and Sayings
Sarcasm
One Liners
Dry Humor

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Sarcastic Quotes and Sayings

Be careful not to do your good deeds when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer

Life is like a sewer... what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.
- Mark Twain

The lack of money is the root of all evil.
- Mark Twain

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children.
- Mark Twain

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain

Don't let schooling interfere with your education.
- Mark Twain

Get the facts first. You can distort them later.
- Mark Twain

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I know because I've done it thousands of times.
- Mark Twain

Golf is a good walk spoiled.
- Mark Twain

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain

A remark generally hurts in proportion to its truth.
- Will Rogers

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

By giving us the opinions of the uneducated, journalism keeps us in touch with the ignorance of the community.
- Oscar Wilde

I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde

In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.
- Oscar Wilde

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde

Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.
- Oscar Wilde

If I had known what it would be like to have it all - I might have been willing to settle for less.
- Lily Tomlin

The worst part of success is to try to find someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler

One Liners

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- H. L. Mencken

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West

A woman in love can't be reasonable - or she probably wouldn't be in love.
- Mae West

Don't marry a man to reform him - that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
- Bob Hope

Sarcasm

The best argument against democracy is a five-minute conversation with the average voter.
- Winston Churchill

You can always count on Americans to do the right thing - after they've tried everything else.
- Winston Churchill

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers

A fool and his money are soon elected.
- Will Rogers

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
- Will Rogers

Suppose you were an idiot, and suppose you were a member of Congress; but I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain

We have the best government that money can buy.
- Mark Twain

Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.
- Oscar Wilde

Patriotism is the virtue of the vicious.
- Oscar Wilde

Dry Humor

It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand.
- Mark Twain

Martyrdom covers a multitude of sins.
- Mark Twain

A difference of opinion is what makes horse racing and missionaries.
- Will Rogers

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde

Never let your sense of morals get in the way of doing what's right.
- Isaac Asimov