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It has been challenging to select funny marriage quotes that capture the nature of the institution of marriage without falling back upon stereotypes of male or female behavior that might be viewed as degrading, offensive, or unfairly gender-biased. I hope you find these funny quotes about marriage to be both humorous and insightful.
Do not marry a man to reform him. That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Marriage is a fine institution - but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West
Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken
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The four most important words in any marriage..."I'll do the dishes."
- Anonymous
One should always be in love. That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
- G. K. Chesterton
No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy;
if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
I love being married.
It's great to find that one special person who you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rudner
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
- Anonymous
A wedding is just like a funeral except that you get to smell your own flowers.
- Grace Hansen
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
- Minnie Pearl
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
There are four stages in a marriage.
First there's the affair, then the marriage, then children
and finally the fourth stage, without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.
- Norman Mailer
When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Anonymous
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
After fifteen minutes I wanted to marry her,
and after half an hour I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.
- Take the Money and Run (1969)
Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth
or burn down your house, you can never tell.
- Joan Crawford
My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.
- Anonymous
My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner
A relationship, I think, is like a shark. You know?
It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- Annie Hall (1977)
The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec
We come to love not by finding the perfect person,
but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
- Angelina Jolie
I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days (2003)
I hope you have enjoyed these funny marriage quotes and sayings.
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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.