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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny People Quotes
Funny Quotes about People

Let these funny People Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

Life is like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute -
only the last couple seconds are fatal,
but most people are scared to death the whole way down.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Religion is the masterpiece of the art of animal training,
for it trains people as to how they should think.
- Arthur Schopenhauer PHOTO

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well,
no, I was an accountant.
- Ellen DeGeneres


 

Older people shouldn't eat health food,
they need all the preservatives they can get.
- Robert Orben

The Lord prefers common-looking people.
That is why he makes so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln

We make our friends; we make our enemies;
but God makes our next-door neighbor.
- Gilbert (G. K.) Chesterton


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One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin

When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland

Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
- Emo Philips

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country
are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
- George Burns

Half the world is composed of idiots,
the other half, of people clever enough
to take indecent advantage of them.
- Walter Kerr

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- Fred Allen

Everybody knows how to raise children,
except the people who have them.
- P. J. O'Rourke

That's my only goal.
Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone
has a good time and works hard.
- Joe Rogan

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced
so they won't think something's wrong with me.
- Elayne Boosler

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
- Samuel Butler

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain

Some cause happiness wherever they go;
others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde

I found there was only one way to look thin:
hang out with fat people.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon

The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.
- Mark Twain

I wanted to see exotic Vietnam, the jewel of Southeast Asia.
I, uh, I wanted to meet interesting
and stimulating people of an ancient culture,
and kill them.
- the movie Full Metal Jacket

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein

I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

In critical moments men sometimes see
exactly what they wish to see.
- the character Spock of the television series Star Trek

You know the only people who are always sure about
the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.
- Bill Cosby

Most people enjoy the inferiority of their best friends.
- Lord Chesterfield

Interesting.
You Earth people glorify organized violence for 40 centuries,
but you imprison those who employ it privately.
- the character Spock in the television series Star Trek

You can safely assume that you've
created God in your own image
when it turns out that God hates
all the same people you do.
- Anne Lamott

If you're going to tell people the truth,
be funny or they'll kill you.
- Billy Wilder

A common denominator of all religions is that
they have the power to bring out the best and the worst in people.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Be smarter than other people, just don't tell them so.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Might I perhaps win my wings?
I've been waiting for over 200 years now, sir,
and people ARE beginning to talk.
- It's a Wonderful Life (1946 movie)

Join the army. Visit strange and exotic places.
Meet fascinating people. And kill them.
- Anonymous

People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages.
- Benjamin Franklin

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- George Carlin

Love is what makes two people
sit in the middle of a park bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends.
- Anonymous

Gods always behave like the people who make them.
- Zora Neale Hurston

You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational
act that two people in love can commit.
- Bill Cosby

Most people's historical perspective
begins with the day of their birth.
- Rush Limbaugh

Too many people spend money they haven't earned,
to buy things they don't want,
to impress people they don't like.
- Will Rogers

The most important service rendered
by the press and the magazines
is that of educating people
to approach printed matter with distrust.
- Samuel Butler

People living their lives for you on TV;
They say they're better than you, and you agree.
- Jewel

All people know the same truth.
Our lives consist of how we chose to distort it.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

History is the version of past events
that people have decided to agree upon.
- Napoleon Bonaparte

People who say it cannot be done should not
interrupt those who are doing it.
- George Bernard Shaw

I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer

He who loves 50 people has 50 woes;
he who loves no one has no woes.
- The Buddha

Most of what we call management consists of
making it difficult for people to get their work done.
- Peter F. Drucker

People say conversation is a lost art;
how often I have wished it were.
- Edward R. Murrow

I do not believe that civilization will be wiped out
in a war fought with the atomic bomb.
Perhaps two-thirds of the people of the earth will be killed.
- Albert Einstein

Common looking people are the best in the world:
that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln

The trouble with having an open mind, of course,
is that people will insist on coming along
and trying to put things in it.
- Terry Pratchett

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
- Anonymous

Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money
they don't have for something they don't need.
- Will Rogers

Being a leader is like being a lady,
if you have to go around telling people you are one, you aren't.
- Margaret Thatcher

People who think they know everything
are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov

Religion is regarded by the common people as true,
by the wise as false, and by the rulers as useful.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca

I was wise enough to never grow up
while fooling most people into believing I had.
- Margaret Mead

Some people are so heavenly minded
that they are no earthly good.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

The trouble with the world is not
that people know too little,
but that they know so many things that ain't so.
- Mark Twain

The whole problem with the world is that
fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves,
but wiser people so full of doubts.
- Bertrand Russell

These capitalists generally act harmoniously and in concert,
to fleece the people.
- Abraham Lincoln

Thinking is what most people resort to after all else fails.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Oh, you weak, beautiful people
who give up with such grace.
What you need is someone to take hold of you -
gently, with love, and hand your life back to you.
- Tennessee Williams

People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.
- Dave Barry

Square meals often make round people.
- E. Joseph Cossman

In religion and politics, people's belief's and convictions
are in almost every case gotten at second hand,
and without examination
- Mark Twain


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.