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Funny Daily Quotes

Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
- the movie National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)

In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns

Big sisters are the crabgrass in the lawn of life.
- Linus Van Pelt in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts cartoon


Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

My life has been filled with terrible misfortune;
most of which never happened.
- Michel Eyquem De Montaigne

Old age has deformities enough of its own.
It should never add to them the deformity of vice.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin

We make our friends; we make our enemies;
but God makes our next-door neighbor.
- Gilbert (G. K.) Chesterton

Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?"
Then a voice answers "Nothing personal,
your name just happened to come up. -
- Charlie Brown, in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

Do not take life too seriously.
You will never get out of it alive.
- Elbert Hubbard

Sucking the marrow out of life
doesn't mean choking on the bone.
- Robin Williams as John Keating
in the 1989 movie Dead Poets Society

A honeymoon should be like a table:
four bare legs and no drawers.
- Anonymous

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde

I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

You can put wings on a pig,
but you don't make it an eagle.
- William J. Clinton

For my part, I consider that it will be found much better
by all parties to leave the past to history,
especially as I propose to write that history myself.
- Winston Churchill

If life is a bowl of cherries, then what am I doing in the pits?
- Erma Bombeck

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is,
he's stuck with so many bad actors
who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor

If life is a trial, who is the judge and jury?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous

Any idiot can face a crisis.
It's the day-to-day living that wears you out.
- Anton Chekhov

Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl
could want in her life, except for good taste in men.
- Anonymous

One day Alice came to a fork in the road
and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.
"Which road do I take?" she asked.
His responses was a question: "Where do you want to go?"
"I don't know," Alice answered.
"Then," said the cat, "it doesn't matter."
- Lewis Carroll

My life is difficult. I need more money.
- the movie The Expendables (2010)

Life is like a sewer...
what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer

Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz

It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel

When we remember we are all mad,
the mysteries disappear and life stands explained.
- Mark Twain

You have enemies? Good.
That means you've stood up for something,
sometime in your life.
- Winston Churchill

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash

Life's burdens are lighter when I laugh at myself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing
for most of us that it is not.
- Oscar Wilde

When life gets you down -
just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
- Anonymous humor

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
- Art Buchwald

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while.
- Groucho Marx

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.
- Emo Phillips

I don't believe in the after life,
although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen

The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars.
- Oscar Wilde

Tip the world over on its side and
everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

My rule of life prescribed as an absolutely sacred rite
smoking cigars and also the drinking of alcohol
before, after and if need be during all meals
and in the intervals between them.
- Winston Churchill

Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother
rather than all major credit cards.
- Robert Orben

Normal is in the eye of the beholder.
- Whoopi Goldberg

Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain

You wanna know the meaning of life?
Fugedaboudit - It ain't happnin.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is a moderately good play
with a badly written third act.
- Truman Capote

The secret of ugliness consists not in irregularity,
but in being uninteresting.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec

They have come up with a perfect understanding.
He won't try to run her life,
and he won't try to run his, either.
- Anonymous

No matter how much cats fight,
there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
- Abraham Lincoln

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.
- Winston Churchill

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash

We have a great life here in Alaska,
and we're never going back to America again!
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

All diseases run into one - old age.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Okay, here's your first lesson: how to take a FALL!
- the movie Karate Kid

In the course of my life, I have often had to eat my words,
and I must confess that I have always found it a wholesome diet.
- Winston Churchill

Nothing is so common-place as to wish to be remarkable.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen

One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill

Fear of death ... That's funny. I have that too.
My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.
- the movie Anything Else (2003)

It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?
- the movie Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002)

I was so jazzed about sobering up
and starting a new life;
I had to stop at a bar
to get a drink just to calm down.
- the television series Glee

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