Funny Cynical Quotes
Funny Cynical Sayings

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

Here are the opinions on which my facts are based.
- Anonymous

The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous

Religion is the masterpiece of the art of animal training,
for it trains people as to how they should think.
- Arthur Schopenhauer

However beautiful the strategy,
you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill

Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute -
only the last couple seconds are fatal,
but most people are scared to death the whole way down.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)

Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde

Love is an irresistible desire
to be irresistibly desired.
- Robert Frost

Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors

Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks

Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
- the movie National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country
are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
- George Burns

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman

A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

Gossip is the art of saying nothing
in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.
- Walter Winchell

I personally think we developed language
because of our deep need to complain.
- Lily Tomlin

Nothing is more cheerful than talking
about our friends' shortcomings.
- Mason Cooley

One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin

I have lost friends, some by death ...
others by sheer inability to cross the street.
- Virginia Woolf

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken

I don't believe in the after life,
although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin

Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious
as to have friends at a distance;
they make the latitudes and the longitudes.
- Henry David Thoreau

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories

Fear of death ... That's funny. I have that too.
My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.
- the movie Anything Else (2003)

Serious illness doesn't bother me for long
because I am too inhospitable a host.
- Albert Schweitzer

I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring,
close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein

The worst part of success is to try to find
someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler

Husbands should be like Kleenex:
soft, strong, and disposable.
- the movie Clue (1985)

Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove

When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner

DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)

I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world.
I know because I've done it thousands of times.
- Mark Twain

Tip the world over on its side and
everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

Half the world is composed of idiots,
the other half, of people clever enough
to take indecent advantage of them.
- Walter Kerr

The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine

I am easily satisfied with the very best.
- Winston Churchill

Golf is a good walk spoiled.
- Mark Twain

Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin

I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal
of meeting me is another matter.
- Winston Churchill

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak;
courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
- Winston Churchill

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
- Edgar Bergen

It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary

The future ain't what it used to be.
- Yogi Berra

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
- Art Buchwald

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