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Funny Cynical Quotes
Funny Cynical Sayings

Let these funny Cynical Quotes add some humor to your life. And check out many more Funny Quotes from my large collection.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields PHOTO

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde PHOTO

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner


 

Here are the opinions on which my facts are based.
- Anonymous

The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous

Religion is the masterpiece of the art of animal training,
for it trains people as to how they should think.
- Arthur Schopenhauer


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However beautiful the strategy,
you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill

Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute -
only the last couple seconds are fatal,
but most people are scared to death the whole way down.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)

Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz

A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin

Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde

Love is an irresistible desire
to be irresistibly desired.
- Robert Frost

Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.
- Mark Twain

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors

Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks

Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
- the movie National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country
are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
- George Burns

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman

A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

Gossip is the art of saying nothing
in a way that leaves practically nothing unsaid.
- Walter Winchell

I personally think we developed language
because of our deep need to complain.
- Lily Tomlin

Nothing is more cheerful than talking
about our friends' shortcomings.
- Mason Cooley

One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin

I have lost friends, some by death ...
others by sheer inability to cross the street.
- Virginia Woolf

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken

I don't believe in the after life,
although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin

Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious
as to have friends at a distance;
they make the latitudes and the longitudes.
- Henry David Thoreau

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories

Fear of death ... That's funny. I have that too.
My dog has it. It's very common with living creatures.
- the movie Anything Else (2003)

Serious illness doesn't bother me for long
because I am too inhospitable a host.
- Albert Schweitzer

I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring,
close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein

The worst part of success is to try to find
someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler

Husbands should be like Kleenex:
soft, strong, and disposable.
- the movie Clue (1985)

Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove

When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner

DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)

I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world.
I know because I've done it thousands of times.
- Mark Twain

Tip the world over on its side and
everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

Half the world is composed of idiots,
the other half, of people clever enough
to take indecent advantage of them.
- Walter Kerr

The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine

I am easily satisfied with the very best.
- Winston Churchill

Golf is a good walk spoiled.
- Mark Twain

Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin

I am prepared to meet my Maker.
Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal
of meeting me is another matter.
- Winston Churchill

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner

Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak;
courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
- Winston Churchill

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
- Edgar Bergen

It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary

The future ain't what it used to be.
- Yogi Berra

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
- Art Buchwald


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.