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Let these funny Apprentice Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
I want to share with you the three rules
that I have in order to accept an apprentice.
Rule Number 1: Don't believe me.
I don't want you to believe me
but I want you to listen and make choices - your choices.
If what I say, doesn't work for you, leave it.
But if it works for you and that's what you want, then make it yours.
Rule Number 2: Don't believe yourself.
Why? Because most of your belief system is a lie - it's not true.
And by believing yourself, you create all the limitations
that don't allow you to be what you really are.
Don't believe yourself. Listen to what you say,
listen to what you think, listen to what you believe.
And when you listen, open your ears, open your mind,
open your intelligence and make choices.
Rule 3 is, don't believe anybody else.
Don't believe them at all.
Open your ears and your mind; listen and make choices.
- don Miguel Ruiz
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage
is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
I want to thank my parents for everything I am today -
fat, miserable, and paranoid.
- Anonymous
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Women want mediocre men,
and men are working to be as mediocre as possible.
- Margaret Mead
Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl
could want in her life, except for good taste in men.
- Anonymous
Marriage is a wonderful institution,
but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner
You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)
I feel the need to express something,
but I don't know what it is I want to express.
- the movie Interiors
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors
You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman
Law of Contrariness:
Our chief want in life is somebody
who shall make us do what we can.
Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The jump is so frightening
between where I am,
and where I want to be.
Because of all I may become,
I will close my eyes and leap.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Take time to play!
Ask for what you want.
Laugh.
Live loudly.
Be avid.
Learn a new thing.
Be Yourself!
- Mary Anne Radmacher
How do you want to be remembered?
Live life full out - Begin today.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The third certainty of life, after death and taxes,
is that nothing will work out the way you want.
Life is fully as bad as you think it is.
Choose to live joyfully anyway.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
- Dan Stanford
I want a girl just like good old mom,
who is different in every way.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
"But I don't want to go among mad people," said Alice.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the cat. "We're all mad here."
- Lewis Carroll
I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin
Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president,
but they don't want them to become politicians in the process.
- John F. Kennedy
Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.
- Bill Cosby
I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.
- Dave Barry
If you want total security, go to prison.
There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on.
The only thing lacking... is freedom.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Too many people spend money they haven't earned,
to buy things they don't want,
to impress people they don't like.
- Will Rogers
Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
When I want to be bold about my movement ...
I for sure do not call it exercise!
- Mary Anne Radmacher
If you want to make enemies,
try to change something.
- Woodrow Wilson
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow,
you gotta put up with the rain.
- Dolly Parton
People are stupid;
given proper motivation, almost anyone will believe almost anything.
Because people are stupid, they will believe a lie
because they want to believe it's true,
or because they are afraid it might be true.
- Terry Goodkind
If you want to make peace with your enemy,
you have to work with your enemy.
Then he becomes your partner.
- Nelson Mandela
If you want to be happy, be.
- Leo Tolstoy
Nearly all men can stand adversity,
but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
- Abraham Lincoln
Naturally, the common people don't want war ...
but after all it is the leaders of a country who determine the policy,
and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along,
whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship.
Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought
to the bidding of the leaders.
That is easy. All you have to do is tell them
they are being attacked,
and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism
and exposing the country to danger.
It works the same in every country.
- Hermann Goering
It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.
- Leslie Gore
Getting old is a fascination thing.
The older you get, the older you want to get.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
No one is in control of your happiness but you;
therefore, you have the power to change anything
about yourself or your life that you want to change.
- Barbara De Angelis
If you want to do it,
Do It - TODAY.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
We believe whatever we want to believe.
- Demosthenes
Attention is the ability we have to discriminate
and to focus only on that which we want to perceive.
- don Miguel Ruiz
Dream up the world you want to live in. Dream out loud.
- Bono
Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do
every minute of every day. And the invisible man
has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do.
And if you do any of these things,
he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire
and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin
If we want to direct our lives,
we must take control of our consistent actions.
It's not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives,
but what we do consistently.
- Anthony Robbins
The moment we want to believe something,
we suddenly see all the arguments for it,
and become blind to the arguments against it.
- George Bernard Shaw
We only see what we want to see,
and hear what we want to hear
- don Miguel Ruiz
You know you love someone when you know
you want them to be happy,
even if their happiness means
that you are not a part of it.
- Anonymous
Just because an animal is large, it doesn't mean he doesn't want kindness;
however big Tigger seems to be, remember that he wants as much kindness as Roo.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)
Never say goodbye when you still want to try,
never give up when you still feel you can't take it.
Never say you don't love the person anymore
when you can't let go.
- Anonymous
Most of us are prisoners of habit,
and don't even notice that we do the same things,
think the same things, want the same things each day -
mostly without conscious thought.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Whatever you want in life, start today.
Not tomorrow - today.
Let it be a small beginning - a tiny beginning.
Your happiness depends on starting today - every day.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Those that want friends to open themselves unto
are cannibals of their own hearts.
- Francis Bacon
Intolerance betrays want of faith in one's cause.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
What you want is irrelevant,
what you have chosen is at hand.
- Spock character in Star Trek VI movie
Determine never to be idle.
No person will have occasion to complain
of the want of time who never loses any.
It is wonderful how much may be done if we are always doing.
- Thomas Jefferson
Breaking up is a natural evolution
when you try to figure out what you want in life.
If you're with an individual
who isn't moving in the same direction
and at the same rate that you are,
it ain't going to work.
- Usher Raymond
Celebrate what you want to see more of.
- Tom Peters
Faith is not the belief that God will do what you want.
It is the belief that God will do what is right.
- Max Lucado
Anxiety is love's greatest killer.
It makes one feel as you might
when a drowning man holds unto you.
You want to save him, but you know
he will strangle you with his panic.
- Anais Nin
The people of the world genuinely want peace.
Some day the leaders of the world are going to
have to give in and give it to them.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Do you want to know who you are?
Don't ask. Act!
Action will delineate and define you.
- Thomas Jefferson
Life is about more than today, and more than yourself.
What will your legacy be?
What will your great-grandchildren be told about you?
Creating a legacy does not have to be a burden,
it can be your joy and can create
your satisfaction with living each day.
What kind of world do you want to leave your great-grandchildren?
What can you do today to help create that world?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
We seek opinions that are likely to
support what we want to be true.
- Thomas Gilovich
Motivation is the art of getting people to do
what you want them to do because they want to do it.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
I didn't want to marry anybody else in town.
I want my baby to look like you.
- It's a Wonderful Life (1946 movie)
If we want a love message to be heard,
it has got to be sent out.
To keep a lamp burning,
we have to keep putting oil in it.
- Mother Teresa
Know that you can have whatever you want,
when you ask from a compassionate heart.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.