Enter one or two keywords to search these Funny Quotes.

Hint: keep it simple, like life twain



Facebook share   Tweet This   Email this

Funny Quotes about Life
Funny Quotes about Life | Funny Love Quotes | Links | About
Search:   A-   B-   Ca-   Co-   D-   E-   F-   G-   H-    I-    J-K-L   M-   N-O   Pa-   Pr-   Q-R   Sa-   Sk-   T-   U-V-W-X-Y-Z

Funny Your Quotes
Funny Quotes about Your

Let these funny Your Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer PHOTO

Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb
cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
- Dave Barry


 

New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter

There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!

Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein


Get a Funny Quote of the Day each day by email or in your feed reader.

 Subscribe in a reader -- or
Enter your email address:




Delivered by FeedBurner


Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci

Look your best - who said love is blind?
- Mae West

Always end the name of your child with a vowel,
so that when you yell, the name will carry.
- Bill Cosby

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain

Never raise your hand to your children -
it leaves your midsection unprotected.
- Robert Orben

Smoking kills.
If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
- Casey Stengel

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
- Albert Einstein

Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl
could want in her life, except for good taste in men.
- Anonymous

The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death

When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain

When everything comes your way
you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous

Fasten your safety belts, clench your buttocks!
It's going be a bumpy ride!
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash

(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous

Have enough sense to know, ahead of time,
when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
- Marilyn vos Savant

Always forgive your enemies -
nothing annoys them so much.
- Oscar Wilde

It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
- Kevin James

Crazy is walking down the street
with half a cantaloupe on your head,
muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."
- the movie Spy Hard (1996)

It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you;
she is after your barn.
- Hesiod

Oh, you weak, beautiful people
who give up with such grace.
What you need is someone to take hold of you -
gently, with love, and hand your life back to you.
- Tennessee Williams

God Loves an Open Mind, Clean Hands, and a Loving Heart.
So does Your Mother.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Just remember, after they foreclose on your mortgage,
you get a lot more sunshine in your life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Never try to teach a pig to sing.
It wastes your time, and it annoys the pig.
- Mark Twain

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you'll find one at the end of your arm.
- Audrey Hepburn

You can always tell when a man's well informed.
His views are pretty much like your own.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I

Though I am a servant, I am not your servant.
- Ursula K. Le Guin

It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job:
it's a depression when you lose yours.
- Harry S. Truman

A positive attitude may not solve all your problems,
but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
- Herm Albright

Life's a bitch... and then you change your attitude.
- Jennifer Unlimited

It is far more impressive when others
discover your good qualities without your help.
- Judith Martin

Vengeance: "It's your fault; you must pay; you must bleed."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A true friend is one who
overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson

Don't die with your music still inside you.
Listen to your intuitive inner voice
and find what passion stirs your soul.
- Wayne Dyer

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
- E. Joseph Cossman

If you want to test your memory, try to recall what
you were worrying about one year ago today.
- E. Joseph Cossman

Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition,
is not only a waste of energy
but the worst habit you could possibly have.
- Dale Carnegie

Why wait until you're dead,
when you can create your own Hell right here and now.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A loyal friend laughs at your jokes
when they're not so good,
and sympathizes with your problems
when they're not so bad.
- Arnold H. Glasgow

Life is serious, get out your magic wand.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

As you awaken,
may your dreams greet you by name,
and may you answer, "Yes!"
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Trust your own instinct.
Your mistakes might as well be your own,
instead of someone else's.
- Billy Wilder

When life gets you down -
just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
- Anonymous humor

As the evening beckons with the promise of tomorrow...
may your gratitude rise up and with strength answer, "yes."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it
seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour
and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein

Choose to soar. Choose to fly your dreams.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

This is serious, get out your magic wand.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Never let the fear of striking out get in your way.
- Babe Ruth

This is your day to Laugh at Life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Don't underestimate your abilities,
that's your boss's job.
- Anonymous

Let your sympathies and your compassion
be always with the under dog in the fight -
this is magnanimity;
but bet on the other one - this is business.
- Mark Twain

True love comes quietly,
without banners or flashing lights.
If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
- Erich Segal

You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous

Knowing your own darkness is the best method
for dealing with the darknesses of other people.
- Carl Jung

Do not use a hatchet to remove
a fly from your friend's forehead.
- Chinese Proverb

Except in cases of necessity, which are rare,
leave your friend to learn
unpleasant things from his enemies;
they are ready enough to tell them.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

You can safely assume that you've
created God in your own image
when it turns out that God hates
all the same people you do.
- Anne Lamott

The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of
you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns,
then your marriage is a gift from the gods.
- Bill Cosby

Stay Happy, never let anyone get your goat.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


Thank you for visiting: Funny Your Quotes - Funny Quotes about Your.

Please sign up on the form below to receive
my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes email.

You can also search my large collection of Funny Quotes.

May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Sign-up for your free subscription to my Daily Inspiration - Daily Quote email.

Your E-Mail Address:
Your Name:

To confirm your subscription, you must click on a link in the email being sent to you.

Each email contains an unsubscribe link. We will NEVER sell, rent, loan, or abuse your email address in ANY way.


Funny Quotes

 


All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.