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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny You Quotes
Funny Quotes about You

Let these funny You Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

Don't go around saying the world owes you a living;
the world owes you nothing; it was here first.
- Mark Twain

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner PHOTO

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed) PHOTO

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer


 

However beautiful the strategy,
you should occasionally look at the results.
- Winston Churchill

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)

Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you always got.
- Mark Twain

Tragedy is when I cut my finger.
Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks

When I first saw you, I thought you were handsome.
Then, of course, you spoke.
- the movie As Good As It Gets (1997)

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb
cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
- Dave Barry

You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)

Smoking kills.
If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.
- Brooke Shields

There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill

Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Of all the things that could frighten you,
you worry about my driving?
- Edward, from Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer

California is a fine place to live -
if you happen to be an orange.
- Fred Allen

You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck

If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous

Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins you can't imagine the smell.
- Robert Byrne

My uncle Sammy was an angry man.
He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
- Margaret Smith

I got a good mind to join a club
and beat you over the head with it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup

We'll love you just the way you are if you're perfect.
- Alanis Morissette

New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter

I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)

He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Oh no, I can't do anything to the death.
Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition,
and death is the worst thing for it.
- the movie Love and Death

Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors

Do not let a flattering woman coax and wheedle you and deceive you;
she is after your barn.
- Hesiod

Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.
- Milton Berle

Thank you, gentlemen. Someday I will repay you,
unless of course I can't find you, or if I forget.
- the movie Shrek 2

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

The worst part of success is to try to find
someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well,
no, I was an accountant.
- Ellen DeGeneres

You can't make an omelet without breaking eggs.
- Anonymous

There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!

Any girl can be glamorous.
All you have to do is stand still and look stupid.
- Hedy Lamarr

Recession is when a neighbor loses his job.
Depression is when you lose yours.
- Ronald Reagan

You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point

And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)

If you don't know where you are going,
you might wind up someplace else.
- Yogi Berra

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Always end the name of your child with a vowel,
so that when you yell, the name will carry.
- Bill Cosby

There's nothing wrong with being shallow as long as
you're insightful about it.
- Dennis Miller

You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle

Where did you park the invisible car?
- the movie Megamind (2010)

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

Be careful about reading health books.
You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
- Bill Cosby

You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
- Steven Wright

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly,
but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- the movie Shrek (2001)

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
- Phyllis Diller

You can put wings on a pig,
but you don't make it an eagle.
- William J. Clinton

If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin

DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.