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Let these funny Number Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
It takes a big cat to be number 2.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
If we were to do the Second Coming of Christ
in color for a full hour,
there would be a considerable number of stations
which would decline to carry it on the grounds
that a Western or a quiz show would be more profitable.
- Edward R. Murrow
Few is the number of those
who think with their own mind
and feel with their own heart.
- Albert Einstein
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments that take our breath away.
- Anonymous
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A man is rich in proportion to
the number of things he can afford to let alone.
- Henry David Thoreau
Small is the number of people who
see with their eyes
and think with their minds.
- Albert Einstein
The grand aim of all science is to cover
the greatest number of empirical facts
by logical deduction from
the smallest number of hypotheses or axioms.
- Albert Einstein
Mastery is not measured by the number of terrible
things you eliminate from your life, but by
the number of times you eliminate calling them terrible.
- Neale Donald Walsch
The value of a principle is the number of things it will explain.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The more a man can forget, the greater the number
of metamorphoses which his life can undergo,
the more he can remember, the more divine his life becomes.
- Soren Kierkegaard
There are a number of things wrong with Washington.
One of them is that everyone is too far from home.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
One measure of friendship consists
not in the number of things friends can discuss,
but in the number of things they need no longer mention.
- Clifton Fadiman
It is the quality of the moment,
not the number of days, or events, or of actors, that imports.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Each of us is burdened by an unlimited number of
expectations (demands) that we hold for the actions of others.
We "know" that there is a right way to do things,
and are often outraged when our expectations are not met.
Usually, we are unaware that we merely
have a strong opinion and point-of-view,
and are sure that we know how everything is supposed to be.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
By nature, we are all creatures of habit.
We instinctively adopt familiar routines for most activities.
We eat about the same number of meals each day -
at more or less the same times.
We have a regular pattern of sleeping -
unless it is perturbed by illness or shift work.
Most everything we do is habitual.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
There are other measures of self-respect for a man,
than the number of clean shirts he puts on every day.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Happiness lies in accepting everyone
in our lives EXACTLY as they are.
We cause ourselves untold misery whenever
we believe others to be imperfect and try to change them.
This is the number one rule for a happy relationship.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
It's easy to have faith in yourself and have discipline
when you're a winner, when you're number one.
What you've got to have is faith and discipline
when you're not yet a winner.
- Vince Lombardi
I want to share with you the three rules
that I have in order to accept an apprentice.
Rule Number 1: Don't believe me.
I don't want you to believe me
but I want you to listen and make choices - your choices.
If what I say, doesn't work for you, leave it.
But if it works for you and that's what you want, then make it yours.
Rule Number 2: Don't believe yourself.
Why? Because most of your belief system is a lie - it's not true.
And by believing yourself, you create all the limitations
that don't allow you to be what you really are.
Don't believe yourself. Listen to what you say,
listen to what you think, listen to what you believe.
And when you listen, open your ears, open your mind,
open your intelligence and make choices.
Rule 3 is, don't believe anybody else.
Don't believe them at all.
Open your ears and your mind; listen and make choices.
- don Miguel Ruiz
Your success will shine as a light of hope
and inspire numbers you cannot total.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
- Albert Einstein
When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain
Crazy is walking down the street
with half a cantaloupe on your head,
muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."
- the movie Spy Hard (1996)
It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci
Look your best - who said love is blind?
- Mae West
Fasten your safety belts, clench your buttocks!
It's going be a bumpy ride!
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)
Always forgive your enemies -
nothing annoys them so much.
- Oscar Wilde
When everything comes your way
you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck
Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl
could want in her life, except for good taste in men.
- Anonymous
Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary
(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous
New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter
Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein
There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
Choose to soar. Choose to fly your dreams.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Let your sympathies and your compassion
be always with the under dog in the fight -
this is magnanimity;
but bet on the other one - this is business.
- Mark Twain
You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous
Just remember, after they foreclose on your mortgage,
you get a lot more sunshine in your life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Vengeance: "It's your fault; you must pay; you must bleed."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
This is serious, get out your magic wand.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job:
it's a depression when you lose yours.
- Harry S. Truman
What If Every Day Were Your Day -
Celebrate Whimsey Today.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A loyal friend laughs at your jokes
when they're not so good,
and sympathizes with your problems
when they're not so bad.
- Arnold H. Glasgow
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin
Life's a bitch... and then you change your attitude.
- Jennifer Unlimited
Life is serious, get out your magic wand.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Except in cases of necessity, which are rare,
leave your friend to learn
unpleasant things from his enemies;
they are ready enough to tell them.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
"Appeasement" is the policy of feeding your friends to a crocodile,
one at a time, in hopes that the crocodile will eat you last.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt
Do not use a hatchet to remove
a fly from your friend's forehead.
- Chinese Proverb
This is your day to Laugh at Life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Trust your own instinct.
Your mistakes might as well be your own,
instead of someone else's.
- Billy Wilder
When life gets you down -
just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
- Anonymous humor
The best way to appreciate your job
is to imagine yourself without one.
- Oscar Wilde
Why wait until you're dead,
when you can create your own Hell right here and now.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
It is far more impressive when others
discover your good qualities without your help.
- Judith Martin
Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
- the movie The Godfather, Part II
Knowing your own darkness is the best method
for dealing with the darknesses of other people.
- Carl Jung
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?"
Then a voice answers "Nothing personal,
your name just happened to come up. -
- Charlie Brown, in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
You can safely assume that you've
created God in your own image
when it turns out that God hates
all the same people you do.
- Anne Lamott
A true friend is one who
overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson
Powerful Dreams Inspire Powerful Action.
When you can taste, smell, and touch your dreams,
you can enroll the world.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Heaven must be an awfully dull place
if your best friends end up elsewhere.
- Anonymous
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.