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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny Told Quotes
Funny Quotes about Told

Let these funny Told Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

I know that God made the whole world in 4004 BC.
I know because my preacher told me. He's a good man.
He's even saving up all the money we give him
to go to bible college someday.
- Anonymous Humor

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
- Pope John Paul I

My father always told me that
all businessmen were sons of bitches,
but I never believed it till now.
- John F. Kennedy

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.
- C. S. Lewis


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Life is about more than today, and more than yourself.
What will your legacy be?
What will your great-grandchildren be told about you?
Creating a legacy does not have to be a burden,
it can be your joy and can create
your satisfaction with living each day.
What kind of world do you want to leave your great-grandchildren?
What can you do today to help create that world?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

In all of his bestsellers, the Divine has told the truth,
custom-tailored to the comprehension of the times.
- Ernest Holmes

I am mortified to be told that, in the United States of America,
the sale of a book can become a subject of inquiry,
and of criminal inquiry too.
- Thomas Jefferson


 

Books! I dunno if I ever told you this,
but books are the greatest gift one person can give another.
- Bono

I have this theory - that if we're told we're bad,
then that's the only ideal we'll ever have.
- Jewel

Re-examine all that you have been told...
dismiss that which insults your soul.
- Walt Whitman

All that glisters is not gold;
Often have you heard that told.
Many a man his life hath sold
but my outside to behold.
Gilded tombs do worms enfold.
- William Shakespeare

Most of us believe that we have
been betrayed by someone outside of us -
in other words someone has done something to hurt us,
been dishonest or broken a promise made:
some trust in some concept was broken.
Indeed someone may have taken an action
that took only their needs into consideration,
they may have not followed through on a promise made,
and they may have not told you the truth.
But their actions have nothing to do with you
and have everything to do with them.
That's why no one can do anything TO you.
They can take actions that involve you that you may not like -
according to your point of view.
But you are not a victim, no way, no how.
- Sheri Rosenthal

The Moon Cannot Be Stolen:
A thief entered the little hut of a Zen Master,
but discovered there was nothing to steal.
The Zen Master discovered the thief.
"You have come a long way to visit me," he told the prowler,
"and you should not return empty-handed.
Please take my clothes as a gift."
The thief was bewildered,
but he took the clothes and slunk away.
The Zen Master sat naked, watching the moon.
"Poor fellow," he mused,
"I wish I could have given him this beautiful moon."
- Traditional Zen Koan

Truth is something which can't be told in a few words.
Those who simplify the universe
only reduce the expansion of its meaning.
- Anais Nin

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin

You know what? Maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
- the movie Shrek (2001)

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country
are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
- George Burns

Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is,
he's stuck with so many bad actors
who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor

I feel the need to express something,
but I don't know what it is I want to express.
- the movie Interiors

If you don't know where you are going,
you might wind up someplace else.
- Yogi Berra

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world.
I know because I've done it thousands of times.
- Mark Twain

Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)

I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer

There are four stages in a marriage.
First there's the affair,
then the marriage,
then children
and finally the fourth stage,
without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.
- Norman Mailer

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer
but wish we didn't.
- Erica Jong

Do not bite at the bait of pleasure,
till you know there is no hook beneath it.
- Thomas Jefferson

I don't know which will go first - rock 'n' roll or Christianity.
- John Lennon

If you ask me anything I don't know,
I'm not going to answer.
- Yogi Berra

I am not young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde

There are three hundred and sixty-four days
when you might get un-birthday presents,
and only one for birthday presents, you know.
- Lewis Carroll

You wanna know the meaning of life?
Fugedaboudit - It ain't happnin.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because
he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong
only because he has remained silent.
- Winston Churchill

There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
- John Lennon

People who think they know everything
are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov

The most difficult thing in the world
is to know how to do a thing
and to watch somebody else doing it wrong,
without comment.
- Theodore. H. White

Know that the greatest fear is fear of the unknown.
Seek to meet the unknown with courage and a sense of adventure.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Is it ignorance or apathy?
Hey, I don't know and I don't care.
- Jimmy Buffett

You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous

I am no longer young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde

One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
- Steve Martin

Faith: not wanting to know what is true.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer

We're more popular than Jesus now;
I don't know which will go first, rock 'n' roll or Christianity.
- John Lennon

The trouble with the world is not
that people know too little,
but that they know so many things that ain't so.
- Mark Twain

All people know the same truth.
Our lives consist of how we chose to distort it.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

I love to shop after a bad relationship.
I don't know. I buy a new outfit
and it makes me feel better. It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit,
I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner

I refuse to answer that question
on the grounds that I don't know the answer
- Douglas Adams

Faith is believing what you know ain't so.
- Mark Twain

I don't know, I don't care,
and it doesn't make any difference!
- Albert Einstein

You know that place between sleeping and awake,
that place where you can still remember dreaming?
That's where I'll always think of you.
- James M. Barrie

Stand Tall, Stand Proud.
Know that you are unique and magnificent.
You do not need the approval of others.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A person is smart. People are dumb,
panicky dangerous animals and you know it.
Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew
the Earth was the center of the universe.
Five hundred years ago,
everybody knew the Earth was flat,
and fifteen minutes ago,
you knew that humans were alone on this planet.
Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.
- the movie Men in Black

To know God, watch a butterfly return to the same tree -
after a year and a thousand miles.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Know the power and the peace of saying,
"I love you just the way you are."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr (Serenity Prayer)

Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge:
it is those who know little, and not those who know much,
who so positively assert that this or that problem
will never be solved by science.
- Charles Darwin

One can not reflect in streaming water.
Only those who know internal peace can give it to others.
- Lao Tzu

Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates.
You never know what you're gonna get.
- the movie Forrest Gump

If you don't know where you're going,
any road will take you there.
- Lewis Carroll
(Alice in Wonderland)

Know thyself.
- Socrates (inscribed on the ancient Greek temple at Delphi)

Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink.
I needn't argue with that; I'm right and I will be proved right.
We're more popular than Jesus now;
I don't know which will go first - rock and roll or Christianity.
- John Lennon

To know yet to think that one does not know is best;
Not to know yet to think that one knows
will lead to difficulty.
- Lao Tzu

Happiness blooms
in the presence of self-respect
and the absence of ego.
Love yourself.
Love everyone around you.
Love everyone in the whole world.
Know that your own life is of infinite importance,
as is every other life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Parting is all we know of heaven, and all we need of hell.
- Emily Dickinson


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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