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Funny Bible Quotes
Funny Bible Sayings

Let these funny Bible Quotes add some humor to your life. And check out many more Funny Quotes from my large collection.

A new command I give you: Love one another.
As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
- Jesus of Nazareth (John 13:34)

It ain't those parts of the Bible
that I can't understand that bother me,
it is the parts that I do understand.
- Mark Twain

I know that God made the whole world in 4004 BC.
I know because my preacher told me. He's a good man.
He's even saving up all the money we give him
to go to bible college someday.
- Anonymous Humor

This too, shall pass.
- Bible


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If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need
but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him?
- 1 John 3:17

Love one another.
- Jesus of Nazareth

For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.
- Proverbs 23:7


 

Forgive Your Brother from Your Heart.
- Matthew 18:21-22

You have heard that it was said,
"Love your neighbor and hate your enemy."
But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.
- Matthew 5:43-44

To everything there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die.
- Ecclesiastes 3:1

A new friend is like new wine;
when it has aged you will drink it with pleasure.
- Ecclesiastes 9:10

There are righteous people working
in a whole rainbow of belief systems -
from Hasidic Jews to right-wing Bible Belters
to charismatic Catholics.
- Bono

(Jesus on Love)
You have heard that it was said,
"Love your neighbor and hate your enemy."
But I tell you: Love your enemies
and pray for those who persecute you.
- Matthew 5:43-44

Love your enemies, bless them that curse you,
do good to them that hate you, and pray for them
which despitefully use you and persecute you.
- Matthew 5:44

Moreover if your brother shall trespass against you,
go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.
- Matthew 18:15

In the beginning was the Word.
- John 1:1

Preserve me, O God: for in thee do I put my trust.
- Psalm 16:1

Now abide faith, hope, love, these three;
but the greatest of these is love.
- Corinthians 13:13

I left the "eye for an eye" God
when I walked out of Bible school,
but God Within is a daily part of my personal experience.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A man's pride shall bring him low,
but honor shall uphold the humble in spirit.
- Proverbs 29:23

What does it profit, my brethren,
if someone says he has faith but does not have works?
Can faith save him?
- James 2:14

This is what the Lord asks of you: only this,
to act justly, to love tenderly,
and to walk humbly with your God.
- Micah 6:8

Ask and you shall receive, that your joy may be full.
- John 16:24

Unless we form the habit of going to the Bible
in bright moments as well as in trouble,
we cannot fully respond to its consolations
because we lack equilibrium between light and darkness.
- Helen Keller

Ask and it will be given to you;
seek and you will find;
knock and the door will be opened to you.
- Matthew 7:7

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
It is not proud. It does not dishonor others,
It is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
- Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)

Guide our feet into the way of peace.
- Luke 1:79

"Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"
Jesus replied:
"'Love the Lord your God with all your heart
and with all your soul and with all your mind.'
This is the first and greatest commandment.
And the second is like it:
'Love your neighbor as yourself.'
All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
- Matthew 22:36-40

Do to others as you would have them do to you.
- Luke 6:31 (the "Golden Rule")

Don't hide your light under a bushel.
- The Bible

As you sow, so shall you reap.
- Galatians 6:7

The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer;
my God, my strength, in whom I will trust.
- Psalm 18:2

I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God,
visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children
to the third and fourth generations.
- Exodus 20:5

He said to them, "Where is your faith?"
And they were afraid, and marveled, saying to one another,
"Who can this be?
For He commands even the winds and water,
and they obey Him!"
- Luke 8:25

As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.
- The Bible

Love Your Enemies
Ye have heard that it hath been said,
Thou shalt love thy neighbor, and hate thine enemy.
But I say unto you, Love your enemies,
bless them that curse you,
do good to them that hate you,
and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you.
- Jesus of Nazareth (Matthew 5:43-44)

You shall not covet your neighbor's house;
you shall not covet your neighbor's wife,
nor his male servant, nor his female servant,
nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor's.
- Exodus 20:17

Be in peace with many,
but let one of a thousand be thy counsellor.
- Ecclesiastes 1:23

(Jesus on Anger and Revenge)
You have heard that it was said,
"Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth."
But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person.
If someone strikes you on the right cheek,
turn to him the other also.
- Matthew 5:38-39

Then came Peter to him, and said,
Lord, how oft shall my brother sin against me,
and I forgive him? till seven times?
Jesus saith unto him, I say not unto thee,
Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven.
- Matthew 18:21-22

For with God all things are possible.
- The Bible

The Bible illustrated by Dore occupied many of my hours -
and I think probably gave me many nightmares.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

In many ways, it is easier to be a good giver than a good receiver.
The giver chooses the gift and the timing.
More important, societal and religious traditions
tend to elevate the status of giver and lower the status of receiver.
When the Bible (Acts 20:32-35) speaks of it being
more blessed to give than to receive,
I believe that a better translation might be
"take" rather than "receive," as the context
of that passage is "coveting."
Certainly there is nothing blessed about coveting,
stealing, begging, or demanding,
however the skill of graciously receiving a freely offered gift
is another matter entirely.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Jesus said: "A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho,
when he fell into the hands of robbers.
They stripped him of his clothes, beat him
and went away, leaving him half dead.
A priest happened to be going down the same road,
and when he saw the man, he passed by on the other side.
So too, a Levite [religious leader],
when he came to the place and saw him,
passed by on the other side.
But a Samaritan [Samaritans and Jews generally disliked
and were suspicious of each other] came where the man was;
and when he saw him, he took pity on him.
He went to him and bandaged his wounds ... and ...
took him to an inn and took care of him. ...
Jesus [said] "Go and do likewise."
- Luke 10:25-37 (The Parable of the Good Samaritan)

Stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills.
- the movie When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)

People who think they know everything
are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov

Interesting.
You Earth people glorify organized violence for 40 centuries,
but you imprison those who employ it privately.
- the character Spock in the television series Star Trek

Advice is seldom welcome,
and those who need it the most, like it the least.
- Lord Chesterfield

There are two kinds of people,
those who do the work,
and those who take the credit.
Try to be in the first group;
there is less competition there.
- Indira Gandhi

Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.
- Terry Pratchett

Those who have free seats at a play hiss first.
- Chinese Proverb

My father and he had one of those English friendships
which begins by avoiding the intimacies
and eventually eliminates speech altogether.
- Jorge Luis Borges

In those days he was wiser than he is now;
he used to frequently take my advice.
- Winston Churchill

Things may come to those who wait,
but only the things left by those who hustle.
- Abraham Lincoln

For those who do not think,
it is best at least to rearrange
their prejudices once in a while.
- Luther Burbank

Beauty is an outward gift,
which is seldom despised,
except by those to whom it has been refused.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The future belongs to those
who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

People who say it cannot be done should not
interrupt those who are doing it.
- George Bernard Shaw

Books serve to show a man
that those original thoughts of his
aren't very new at all.
- Abraham Lincoln

Apathy, indifference, not caring...
It may sound insensitive for me to say, "I don't care,"
but ask first to what I am indifferent.
I choose to be caring, compassionate
and kind toward all people,
and I also choose to be indifferent to gossip,
petty complaints, and idle chatter.
About those, I just don't care.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Grant That I May Radiate Thy Light, Thy Love,
Thy Healing, Thy Joy, and Thy Peace,
to All Those Around Me
and All Those in My Thoughts
This Day and Ever More.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.
- Robert F. Kennedy

The truly rich are those who enjoy what they have.
- Yiddish Proverb

Those who own much have much to fear.
- Rabindranath Tagore

One can not reflect in streaming water.
Only those who know internal peace can give it to others.
- Lao Tzu

Those who believe they can do something
and those who believe they can't
are both right.
- Henry Ford

There is beauty and adventure in the commonplace
for those with eyes to see beyond.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge:
it is those who know little, and not those who know much,
who so positively assert that this or that problem
will never be solved by science.
- Charles Darwin

By letting it go it all gets done.
The world is won by those who let it go.
But when you try and try.
The world is beyond the winning.
- Lao Tzu

Those who won our independence...
valued liberty as an end and as a means.
They believed liberty to be the secret of happiness
and courage to be the secret of liberty.
- Louis D. Brandeis


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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