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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny College Quotes
Funny Quotes about College

Let these funny College Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

I know that God made the whole world in 4004 BC.
I know because my preacher told me. He's a good man.
He's even saving up all the money we give him
to go to bible college someday.
- Anonymous Humor

College isn't the place to go for ideas.
- Helen Keller

Soon we'll be out amid the cold world's strife.
Soon we'll be sliding down the razor blade of life.
But as we go our sordid sep'rate ways,
We shall ne'er forget thee, thou golden college days.
Hearts full of youth,
Hearts full of truth,
Six parts gin to one part vermouth.
- Tom Lehrer - song: Bright College Days,
album: An Evening Wasted With Tom Lehrer

When we make college more affordable,
we make the American dream more achievable.
- William J. Clinton


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Personally, I have fond memories of playing
on slippery rocks on the banks of a rushing river
as a child and hitchhiking in college.
To those who say, "But times are different now,"
I reply that statistically life is much safer now
than in the 1950s, with regard to both crime and accidents.
What has changed is our attitudes.
In those years, a broken leg from falling off a swing
or the back of a tractor was just part of childhood -
an excuse for gathering autographs.
Today that broken leg would be a source
of outrage and probably lawsuits.
I long for a simpler time when life was taken less seriously.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)

Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)


 

Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

I feel the need to express something,
but I don't know what it is I want to express.
- the movie Interiors

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is,
he's stuck with so many bad actors
who don't know how to play funny.
- Garrison Keillor

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin

You know what? Maybe there's a good reason
donkeys shouldn't talk.
- the movie Shrek (2001)

He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor

Too bad all the people who know how to run this country
are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
- George Burns

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world.
I know because I've done it thousands of times.
- Mark Twain

If you don't know where you are going,
you might wind up someplace else.
- Yogi Berra

Is it ignorance or apathy?
Hey, I don't know and I don't care.
- Jimmy Buffett

There are three hundred and sixty-four days
when you might get un-birthday presents,
and only one for birthday presents, you know.
- Lewis Carroll

Faith: not wanting to know what is true.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer
but wish we didn't.
- Erica Jong

You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous

I don't know which will go first - rock 'n' roll or Christianity.
- John Lennon

I am no longer young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde

I refuse to answer that question
on the grounds that I don't know the answer
- Douglas Adams

Know that the greatest fear is fear of the unknown.
Seek to meet the unknown with courage and a sense of adventure.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Do not bite at the bait of pleasure,
till you know there is no hook beneath it.
- Thomas Jefferson

I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer

There are four stages in a marriage.
First there's the affair,
then the marriage,
then children
and finally the fourth stage,
without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.
- Norman Mailer

Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because
he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong
only because he has remained silent.
- Winston Churchill

Faith is believing what you know ain't so.
- Mark Twain

People who think they know everything
are a great annoyance to those of us who do.
- Isaac Asimov

The trouble with the world is not
that people know too little,
but that they know so many things that ain't so.
- Mark Twain

I am not young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde

We're more popular than Jesus now;
I don't know which will go first, rock 'n' roll or Christianity.
- John Lennon

All people know the same truth.
Our lives consist of how we chose to distort it.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

The most difficult thing in the world
is to know how to do a thing
and to watch somebody else doing it wrong,
without comment.
- Theodore. H. White

I don't know, I don't care,
and it doesn't make any difference!
- Albert Einstein

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
- Steve Martin

There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
- John Lennon

You wanna know the meaning of life?
Fugedaboudit - It ain't happnin.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

If you ask me anything I don't know,
I'm not going to answer.
- Yogi Berra

I love to shop after a bad relationship.
I don't know. I buy a new outfit
and it makes me feel better. It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit,
I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner

I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr (Serenity Prayer)

To know yet to think that one does not know is best;
Not to know yet to think that one knows
will lead to difficulty.
- Lao Tzu

To know God, watch a butterfly return to the same tree -
after a year and a thousand miles.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

You know that place between sleeping and awake,
that place where you can still remember dreaming?
That's where I'll always think of you.
- James M. Barrie

Stand Tall, Stand Proud.
Know that you are unique and magnificent.
You do not need the approval of others.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A person is smart. People are dumb,
panicky dangerous animals and you know it.
Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew
the Earth was the center of the universe.
Five hundred years ago,
everybody knew the Earth was flat,
and fifteen minutes ago,
you knew that humans were alone on this planet.
Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.
- the movie Men in Black

Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge:
it is those who know little, and not those who know much,
who so positively assert that this or that problem
will never be solved by science.
- Charles Darwin

If you don't know where you're going,
any road will take you there.
- Lewis Carroll
(Alice in Wonderland)

Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates.
You never know what you're gonna get.
- the movie Forrest Gump

One can not reflect in streaming water.
Only those who know internal peace can give it to others.
- Lao Tzu

Know the power and the peace of saying,
"I love you just the way you are."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Christianity will go. It will vanish and shrink.
I needn't argue with that; I'm right and I will be proved right.
We're more popular than Jesus now;
I don't know which will go first - rock and roll or Christianity.
- John Lennon

Know thyself.
- Socrates (inscribed on the ancient Greek temple at Delphi)

The most erroneous stories are those
we think we know best -
and therefore never scrutinize or question.
- Stephen Jay Gould

You know you love someone when you know
you want them to be happy,
even if their happiness means
that you are not a part of it.
- Anonymous

Know that you sail the seas of life
as the master of your own ship.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

When I see your smile,
and I know it's not for me,
that's when I'll miss you.
- Anonymous

If you were a warrior,
you would know that the worst thing
one can do is confront human beings directly.
- Carlos Castaneda

We humans feel an instinctive need to know
what is coming next - what we can count upon.
We fear change - even the most positive change.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Rivers know this: there is no hurry. We shall get there some day.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)

Life's a game, all you have to do is know how to play it.
- Anonymous

Know the best and highest choices for health
and more often choose those things.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

We know what a person thinks not when he tells us
what he thinks, but by his actions.
- Isaac Bashevis Singe

Life is a game - a game you can never win.
You already know the final score: Life 1, You 0.
Doesn't mean you can't have fun playing.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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