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Let these funny Regretfully Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
When one door closes, another opens.
But often we look so long, so regretfully,
upon the closed door,
that we fail to see the one that is opened for us.
- Helen Keller
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner 
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
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Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken
There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous
You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin
A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death
No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective
You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)
You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
There are three hundred and sixty-four days
when you might get un-birthday presents,
and only one for birthday presents, you know.
- Lewis Carroll
One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
- Andre Gide
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.
- Anonymous
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
- Steve Martin
A New Year's resolution is something that
goes in one Year and out the other.
- Anonymous
One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
One should always be in love.
That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde
My father and he had one of those English friendships
which begins by avoiding the intimacies
and eventually eliminates speech altogether.
- Jorge Luis Borges
The rite of the rings appeals yet appalls:
a cutting, a joining, a losing, a gaining.
One becomes half, as two become one.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I find that principles have no real force
except when one is well fed.
- Mark Twain
One man's "magic" is another man's engineering.
"Supernatural" is a null word.
- Robert A. Heinlein
A true friend is one who
overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson
I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer
When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
- Walter Lippmann
There is only one thing about which I am certain,
and that is that there is very little
about which one can be certain.
- W. Somerset Maugham
A fanatic is one who can't change his mind
and won't change the subject.
- Winston Churchill
A good indignation brings out all one's powers.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I've developed a new philosophy...
I only dread one day at a time.
- the character Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic
I begin with the principle that all men are bores.
Surely no one will prove himself
so great a bore as to contradict me in this.
- Soren Kierkegaard
Tombs are the clothes of the dead.
A grave is a plain suit;
while an expensive monument is one with embroidery.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
- Pope John Paul I
Being a leader is like being a lady,
if you have to go around telling people you are one, you aren't.
- Margaret Thatcher
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln
She drove me to drink.
That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
- the movie Never Give a Sucker an Even Break
Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.
- Terry Pratchett
Never stir up litigation.
A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this.
- Abraham Lincoln
Thaw with her gentle persuasion is more powerful
than Thor with his hammer.
The one melts, the other breaks into pieces.
- Henry David Thoreau
"Appeasement" is the policy of feeding your friends to a crocodile,
one at a time, in hopes that the crocodile will eat you last.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt
In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns
He who loves 50 people has 50 woes;
he who loves no one has no woes.
- The Buddha
The essence of all religions is one.
Only their approaches are different.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
You can always do one thing less than you think you can.
- Anonymous
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you'll find one at the end of your arm.
- Audrey Hepburn
No one was ever named "Hero" for following the crowd.
Heroes set their own course.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
That's the secret to life . . .
replace one worry with another.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous
The best thing about the future is
that it comes one day at a time.
- Abraham Lincoln
One of the greatest pains to human nature is the pain of a new idea.
- Walter Bagehot
If God listened to the prayers of men,
all men would quickly have perished:
for they are forever praying for evil against one another.
- Epicurus
The best way to appreciate your job
is to imagine yourself without one.
- Oscar Wilde
A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous
One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche
The greatest mistake you can make in life
is to be continually fearing you will make one.
- Elbert Hubbard
One should never trust a woman who tells her real age.
If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
- Oscar Wilde
In order to be an immaculate member of a flock of sheep,
one must above all be a sheep oneself.
- Albert Einstein
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.