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Rita Rudner Quotes
Funny Quotes by Rita Rudner

Let these funny Rita Rudner Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner

My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner

Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner


 

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
- Rita Rudner

I think men who have a pierced ear
are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner


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I love to shop after a bad relationship.
I don't know. I buy a new outfit
and it makes me feel better. It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit,
I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet -
so we bought a dog.
Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
- Rita Rudner

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage -
they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love.
I'd stepped in it a few times.
- Rita Rudner

I want to have children, but my friends scare me.
One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours.
I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
- Rita Rudner

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
- Rita Rudner

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child.
We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
- Rita Rudner

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed
that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
- Rita Rudner

I don't plan to grow old gracefully.
I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
- Rita Rudner

It's so great to find that one special person you want
to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly
want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle
of the night and fall in.
- Rita Rudner

My husband gave me a necklace.
It's fake.
I requested fake.
Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age,
I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
- Rita Rudner

Most turkeys taste better the day after,
my mother's tasted better the day before.
- Rita Rudner

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them.
My mother cleans them.
- Rita Rudner

Someday I want to be rich.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity.
That's how rich I want to be.
- Rita Rudner

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid.
Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large
breasts makes men stupid.
- Rita Rudner

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country.
But he won't get a bikini wax.
- Rita Rudner

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.
- Rita Rudner

The time you spend grieving over a man should never
exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.
- Rita Rudner

I know I want to have children while my parents are
still young enough to take care of them.
- Rita Rudner

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen.
Women reach theirs at thirty-five.
Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
- Rita Rudner

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said:
If we're going to charge $10 an hour,
we can't call it Jumping up and down.
- Rita Rudner

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they
always say the same thing:
'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
- Rita Rudner

They usually have two tellers in my local bank,
except when it's very busy, when they have one.
- Rita Rudner

My grandmother was a very tough woman.
She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
- Rita Rudner

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle.
It wasn't mine.
- Rita Rudner

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
- Rita Rudner

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."
- Rita Rudner

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom,
it was that no one would tell me where it was.
- Rita Rudner

The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West

Love is an irresistible desire
to be irresistibly desired.
- Robert Frost

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter
quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken

Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- H. L. Mencken

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde

Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
- H. L. Mencken

Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein

Love is like an hourglass,
with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
- Jules Renard

Love is a grave mental disease.
- Plato

Love is loving what your lover loves.
- Anonymous

Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones!
- the movie Shrek (2001)

When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein

Save a boyfriend for a rainy day -
and another, in case it doesn't rain.
- Mae West

Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth
until the hour of separation.
- Khalil Gibran

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein

A woman in love can't be reasonable -
or she probably wouldn't be in love.
- Mae West

True love comes quietly,
without banners or flashing lights.
If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
- Erich Segal

Love looks through a telescope;
envy, through a microscope.
- Josh Billings

I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed ma hair.
- the movie The Cabin in the Cotton

The feeling of friendship is like that
of being comfortably filled with roast beef;
love, like being enlivened with champagne.
- Samuel Johnson

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

Love is only a dirty trick played on us
to achieve continuation of the species.
- W. Somerset Maugham

My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.
- Anonymous

Love is what makes two people
sit in the middle of a park bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends.
- Anonymous

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational
act that two people in love can commit.
- Bill Cosby

The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine

True love is like ghosts,
which everyone talks about and few have seen.
- Francois de La Rochefoucauld

A honeymoon should be like a table:
four bare legs and no drawers.
- Anonymous

Love thy neighbor -
and if he happens to be tall,
debonair and devastating,
it will be that much easier.
- Mae West

One's first love is always perfect
until one meets one's second love.
- Elizabeth Aston

The only true love is love at first sight;
second sight dispels it.
- Israel Zangwill

I am certainly not an authority on love because there
are no authorities on love,
just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.
- Bill Cosby


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