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Let these funny Rita Rudner Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
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Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
I think men who have a pierced ear
are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
I love to shop after a bad relationship.
I don't know. I buy a new outfit
and it makes me feel better. It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit,
I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner
Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West 
The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous
Love is an irresistible desire
to be irresistibly desired.
- Robert Frost
Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop.
- H. L. Mencken
Love is like an hourglass,
with the heart filling up as the brain empties.
- Jules Renard
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken
Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter
quite like unrequited love.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic
Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
- H. L. Mencken
A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)
A woman in love can't be reasonable -
or she probably wouldn't be in love.
- Mae West
True love comes quietly,
without banners or flashing lights.
If you hear bells, get your ears checked.
- Erich Segal
Love is what makes two people
sit in the middle of a park bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends.
- Anonymous
My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.
- Anonymous
The only true love is love at first sight;
second sight dispels it.
- Israel Zangwill
Love thy neighbor -
and if he happens to be tall,
debonair and devastating,
it will be that much easier.
- Mae West
Love is only a dirty trick played on us
to achieve continuation of the species.
- W. Somerset Maugham
Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones!
- the movie Shrek (2001)
Save a boyfriend for a rainy day -
and another, in case it doesn't rain.
- Mae West
I'd like to kiss ya, but I just washed ma hair.
- the movie The Cabin in the Cotton
Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth
until the hour of separation.
- Khalil Gibran
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
Love looks through a telescope;
envy, through a microscope.
- Josh Billings
Love is loving what your lover loves.
- Anonymous
Love is a grave mental disease.
- Plato
The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine
Love is metaphysical gravity.
- R. Buckminster Fuller
One's first love is always perfect
until one meets one's second love.
- Elizabeth Aston
A honeymoon should be like a table:
four bare legs and no drawers.
- Anonymous
The feeling of friendship is like that
of being comfortably filled with roast beef;
love, like being enlivened with champagne.
- Samuel Johnson
True love is like ghosts,
which everyone talks about and few have seen.
- Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Do you feel stuck?
Whether in a project, a job, a relationship,
or some other situation,
there is a time for perseverance,
and a time for letting go and moving on.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A big part of letting go is recognizing
when it is time to stay in a situation
and when it is time to move on.
- Darren L. Johnson
Love Without Limits.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Where There is Love, Nothing is Missing.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Jealousy is all the fun you think they had.
- Erica Jong
If (s)he's an apple and you're an orange,
celebrate your differences -
make a great fruit salad.
Love isn't about being the same -
it's about being sweet with each other.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Love means not ever having to say you're sorry.
- Erich Segal
Lord, grant that I might not so much
seek to be loved as to love.
- St. Francis of Assisi
I have found that if you love life,
life will love you back.
- Arthur Rubinstein
You may call God love, you may call God goodness.
But the best name for God is compassion.
- Meister Eckhart
Love does not claim possession, but gives freedom.
- Rabindranath Tagore
This is my ultimate fantasy:
watching QVC with a credit card
while making love and eating at the same time.
- Yasmine Bleeth
Love is the flower you've got to let grow.
- John Lennon
Life is a reflection of intent.
Love reflects love.
Hate reflects hate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Beauty is an outward gift,
which is seldom despised,
except by those to whom it has been refused.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Love is when the other person's happiness
is more important than your own.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
We are not held back by the love we didn't receive in the past,
but by the love we're not extending in the present.
- Marianne Williamson
True love is a process of co-creation
in which neither feels ownership or superiority.
Jealousy is a highly destructive force
for love and relationships.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I Dream This Day of Wondrous Things,
of Peace and Hope and Pride.
I Dance My Dance with Life Today,
I'm Filled with Love Inside.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Hate is never conquered by hate,
Hate is only conquered by love.
- The Buddha
To the people who love you,
you are beautiful already.
This is not because they're
blind to your shortcomings
but because they so clearly see your soul.
- Victoria Moran
Love one another but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea
between the shores of your souls.
- Khalil Gibran
All discarded lovers should be given a second chance,
but with somebody else.
- Mae West
Look your best - who said love is blind?
- Mae West
I want a girl just like good old mom,
who is different in every way.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter
If love is the answer,
could you please rephrase the question.
- Lily Tomlin
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.