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Funny Married Quotes
Funny Quotes about Married

Let these funny Married Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand PHOTO

My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor


 

Hey, Marge. Isn't it great being married
to someone who's recklessly impulsive?
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced
so they won't think something's wrong with me.
- Elayne Boosler

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor


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I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

My advice to you is get married:
if you find a good wife you'll be happy;
if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

That married couples can live together day after day
is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked.
- Bill Cosby

I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives
as much as if we had never married at all.
- Lord Byron

One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche

Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
- Minnie Pearl

Never tell a secret to a bride or a groom;
wait until they have been married longer.
- Edgar Watson Howe

I married beneath me, all women do.
- Nancy Astor

It's tough to stay married.
My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
- Rodney Dangerfield

The only good husbands stay bachelors:
They're too considerate to get married.
- Finley Peter Dunne

Never get married in the morning - you never know who
you might meet that night.
- Paul Hornung

Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find
a woman I don't like and give her a house.
- Lewis Grizzard

Never get married in college; it's hard to get a start
if a prospective employer finds you've already made one mistake.
- Elbert Hubbard

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
- Henny Youngman

I married the first man I ever kissed.
When I tell this to my children, they just about throw up.
- Barbara Bush

Many important things shouldn't be done half-way.
Think of getting married, having children,
starting a business, changing your career.
There are times to gather your courage
and make the leap, the whole leap.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Caesar might have married Cleopatra,
but he had a wife at home.
There's always something.
- Will Cuppy

Married or unmarried, young or old, poet or worker,
you are still a dreamer, and will one time know,
and feel, that your life is but a dream.
- Donald G. Mitchell

A married woman has the same right to control her own
body as does an unmarried woman.
- Sol Wachtler

I've been married to one Marxist and one Fascist,
and neither one would take the garbage out.
- Lee Grant

I met an American woman and got married so I had to get a job.
- Walter Wager

I'm married to the theater but my mistress is the films.
- Oskar Werner

When you have a baby, love is automatic,
when you get married, love is earned.
- Marie Osmond

Well married a person has wings, poorly married shackles.
- Henry Ward Beecher

Once I got married and had kids, I moved away from romantic roles,
because it seemed wrong to have my 3-year-old wondering
why Daddy was kissing someone else.
- Chevy Chase

One was never married, and that's his hell;
another is,
and that's his plague.
- Robert Burton

Bachelors know more about women than married men;
if they didn't they'd be married too.
- H. L. Mencken

I've had an exciting time; I married for love and got
a little money along with it.
- Rose Kennedy

If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men
for the criticism of one,
go ahead, get married.
- Katharine Hepburn

No man is regular in his attendance at the House of
Commons until he is married.
- Benjamin Disraeli

A man in love is incomplete until he has married.
Then he's finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about,
he goes off and gets married.
- Robert Frost

When I get married, it'll be no secret.
- Elvis Presley

Staying married may have long-term benefits.
You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over
a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.
- P. J. O'Rourke

If you made a list of reasons why any couple got married,
and another list of the reasons for their divorce,
you'd have a hell of a lot of overlapping.
- Mignon McLaughlin

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.
- Red Skelton

Love is so much better when you're not married.
- Maria Callas

Married people from my generation are like an endangered species!
- Patrice Leconte

Why in almost all societies have married women specialized
in bearing and rearing children and in certain agricultural activities,
whereas married men have done most of the fighting and market work?
- Gary Becker

On rare occasions one does hear of a miraculous case
of a married couple falling in love after marriage,
but on close examination it will be found that it is
a mere adjustment to the inevitable.
- Emma Goldman

Do real life people actually fall in love
with the idea of being in love?
Unfortunately, it is actually quite common.
Someone wants desperately to have
the husband or wife of their dreams.
They visualize the vine-covered cottage
with the white picket fence.
They choose the colors for the nursery.
They design all the aspects of their married life.
A real person stands no chance of measuring up to those fantasies.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

When people get married because they think
it's a long-time love affair,
they'll be divorced very soon,
because all love affairs end in disappointment.
But marriage is a recognition of a spiritual identity.
- Joseph Campbell

Everything that is worthwhile in life is scary.
Choosing a school, choosing a career,
getting married, having kids -
all those things are scary.
If it is not fearful, it is not worthwhile.
- Paul Tornier

I never married because there was no need.
I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband.
I have a dog which growls every morning,
a parrot which swears all afternoon,
and a cat that comes home late at night.
- Marie Corelli

Children that are raised in a home with a married mother
and father consistently do better in every measure
of well-being than their peers who come from divorced or step-parent,
single-parent, cohabiting homes.
- Todd Tiahrt

Married couples who work together to build and maintain
a business assume broad responsibilities.
Not only is their work important to our local and national economies,
but their success is central to the well-being of their families.
- Melissa Bean

Organic buildings are the strength
and lightness of the spiders' spinning,
buildings qualified by light,
bred by native character to environment,
married to the ground.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

I was very young when we got married and I don't know
why it worked out like it did or how I was smart enough
to know that this was the right guy,
but somehow I got lucky.
- Kyra Sedgwick

I went to Brooklyn College and met this beautiful Jewish girl named Merle,
with dark hair, exotic looking and brilliant.
So we got married and had three children.
- Dominic Chianese

I have always loved the process of making the music,
reading the letters from the fans who get married to my music,
have children to my music and play my music at their funerals.
- Wynonna Judd

Every day there is a compromise.
Living with somebody requires a lot of understanding.
But I love being married.
I really love it.
- Nicole Kidman

This is one of the hardest industries to be married.
- Mark-Paul Gosselaar

Getting married and settling down isn't the most important thing in my life.
- Liam Neeson

I got married, other people went off.
We had sort of another public-we were our entire readership for many years,
and we were very excited by each other.
- Kenneth Koch

Writing is the only thing I've ever done with persistence,
except for being married.
- Richard Ford

If we thought it would improve our relationship,
we would get married tomorrow, but as it is,
nearly 7 years after we got engaged,
we are content to wait.
- Benny Anderson

If I'm in love I want to get married.
That's how stupid I am.
- Kathie Lee Gifford

Married men live longer than single men.
But married men are a lot more willing to die.
- Johnny Carson

Being married gives one one's position like nothing else can.
- Queen Victoria

In 1947 I married Rowena Palmer, and we have two daughters,
Alison and Claire, and a son, John.
- Martin Ryle

'Statistically, people who have been happily married
and then widowed tend to remarry.
- Nigella Lawson

President Johnson and I have a lot in common.
We were both born in small towns and we're both fortunate
in the fact that we think we married above ourselves.
- Richard M. Nixon

For my children, they spent 15 to 20 years of their life in baseball.
And Ruth and I spent so many years of our married life that that was our life.
We knew nothing else.
- Nolan Ryan


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