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Let these funny Married Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner 
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner
Hey, Marge. Isn't it great being married
to someone who's recklessly impulsive?
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives
as much as if we had never married at all.
- Lord Byron
One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
- Minnie Pearl
My advice to you is get married:
if you find a good wife you'll be happy;
if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
Many important things shouldn't be done half-way.
Think of getting married, having children,
starting a business, changing your career.
There are times to gather your courage
and make the leap, the whole leap.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
When people get married because they think
it's a long-time love affair,
they'll be divorced very soon,
because all love affairs end in disappointment.
But marriage is a recognition of a spiritual identity.
- Joseph Campbell
Do real life people actually fall in love
with the idea of being in love?
Unfortunately, it is actually quite common.
Someone wants desperately to have
the husband or wife of their dreams.
They visualize the vine-covered cottage
with the white picket fence.
They choose the colors for the nursery.
They design all the aspects of their married life.
A real person stands no chance of measuring up to those fantasies.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Everything that is worthwhile in life is scary.
Choosing a school, choosing a career,
getting married, having kids -
all those things are scary.
If it is not fearful, it is not worthwhile.
- Paul Tornier
Organic buildings are the strength
and lightness of the spiders' spinning,
buildings qualified by light,
bred by native character to environment,
married to the ground.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
Rituals are important.
Nowadays it's hip not to be married.
I'm not interested in being hip.
- John Lennon
After fifteen minutes I wanted to marry her,
and after half an hour
I completely gave up the idea of stealing her purse.
- the movie Take the Money and Run (1969)
Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West
One should always be in love.
That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde
This day I will marry my friend,
the one I laugh with, live for, dream with, love.
- Anonymous
Our honorable and worthy ancestors knew that the world was flat,
motionless, and the center of the universe.
They knew the human body could not withstand
the forces of traveling faster than 19 mph.
They knew that the way to salvation was
exorcising witches and slaying non-believers.
They knew that it was a mortal sin to marry
someone of a different skin color.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
By all means marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher
and that is a good thing for any man.
- Socrates
Don't marry the person you think you can live with;
marry only the individual you think you can't live without.
- James C. Dobson
I didn't want to marry anybody else in town.
I want my baby to look like you.
- It's a Wonderful Life (1946 movie)
You don't marry someone you can live with,
you marry the person who you cannot live without.
- Anonymous
He who marries for love without money
has good nights and sorry days.
- Anonymous
Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband
a month before she marries him
and what she thinks of him a year afterward,
and you will have the truth about him.
- H. L. Mencken
The four most important words in any marriage...
"I'll do the dishes."
- Anonymous
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman
Marriage is a wonderful institution,
but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken
Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Anonymous
Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
There are four stages in a marriage.
First there's the affair,
then the marriage,
then children
and finally the fourth stage,
without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.
- Norman Mailer
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill
The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller
(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous
I have often wanted to drown my troubles,
but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
- Anonymous
Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor
One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin
When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
I think men who have a pierced ear
are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
They have come up with a perfect understanding.
He won't try to run her life,
and he won't try to run his, either.
- Anonymous
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase
Husbands should be like Kleenex:
soft, strong, and disposable.
- the movie Clue (1985)
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
- Anonymous
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
Marriage is neither heaven nor hell,
it is simply purgatory.
- Abraham Lincoln
Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
- Anonymous
There is more of good nature than of good sense
at the bottom of most marriages.
- Henry David Thoreau
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci
A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous
Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus
My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years
to have breakfast together,
but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.
- Winston Churchill
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.