One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
by George Carlin

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin

Electricity is really just organized lightning.
- George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
- George Carlin

I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.
- George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I'd have to say that the universe
aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- George Carlin

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them;
I loathe and despise the groups
they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin

If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy,
but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin

I don't like to think of laws
as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
- George Carlin

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- George Carlin

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin

So far, this is the oldest I've been.
- George Carlin

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- George Carlin

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,
he no longer is.
- George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
- George Carlin

Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance:
It attempts to work things out so that
everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
- George Carlin

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do
every minute of every day. And the invisible man
has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do.
And if you do any of these things,
he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire
and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?
- George Carlin

If we could just find out who's in charge,
we could kill him.
- George Carlin

Not only do I not know what's going on,
I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
- George Carlin

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible
a whole lot more as they get older;
then it dawned on me -
they're cramming for their final exam.
- George Carlin

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva
over a long period of time.
- George Carlin

When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands.
- George Carlin

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows
where all the bad girls live.
- George Carlin

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't
mean the circus has left town.
- George Carlin

The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant.
Every table had an argument going.
- George Carlin

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State.
My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own,
so both of them together is certain death.
- George Carlin

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire,
what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us,
do they?
- George Carlin

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose,
but that a PART of hell will break loose...
it'll be much harder to detect.
- George Carlin

Think off-center.
- George Carlin

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want.
We haven't tried that for a while.
Maybe this time it'll work.
- George Carlin

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right.
As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting
has already been established.
- George Carlin

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
- George Carlin

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired
and get paid just enough money not to quit.
- George Carlin

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
- George Carlin

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show.
When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
- George Carlin

There's no present.
There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
- George Carlin

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
- George Carlin

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.
- George Carlin

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy
and I realize I'm listening to it.
- George Carlin

I have as much authority as the Pope,
I just don't have as many people who believe it.
- George Carlin

People who say they don't care what people think are
usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
- George Carlin

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death
should always be seated closest to the bathroom.
- George Carlin

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
- George Carlin

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
- George Carlin

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
- George Carlin

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's
disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.
- George Carlin

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light,
he had to do it by gas lamp or candle.
I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.
- George Carlin

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was
located in something called the Professional Building.
I felt better right away.
- George Carlin

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
- George Carlin

Some people see things that are and ask,
Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask,
Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
- George Carlin

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- George Carlin

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.
- George Carlin

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me,
it would defeat the purpose.
- George Carlin

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila,
floor.
- George Carlin

Always do whatever's next.
- George Carlin

Religion is just mind control.
- George Carlin

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace.
What we need are ovations where the audience members
all punch and kick one another.
- George Carlin

When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day,"
I always wonder,
How can that be? How can you not have all day?
- George Carlin

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