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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny Old Quotes
Funny Quotes about Old

Let these funny Old Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

The trick is growing up without growing old.
- Casey Stengel

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender,
but you don't have a top for it.
- Jerry Seinfeld

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck

When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain


 

Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child
could understand this report.
Run out and find me a four-year-old child,
I can't make head or tail of it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

Old age is fifteen years older than I am.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.


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Every one desires to live long,
but no one would be old.
- Abraham Lincoln

I'm saving that rocker for the day
when I feel as old as I really am.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

I want a girl just like good old mom,
who is different in every way.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

You are Never Too Old to Give or Get Gold Stars.
Show Your Honest Appreciation - Today.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Perhaps one has to be very old before one learns
to be amused rather than shocked.
- Pearl S. Buck

Computers are like Old Testament gods;
lots of rules and no mercy.
- Joseph Campbell

Short words are best
and the old words, when short, are best of all.
- Winston Churchill

All diseases run into one - old age.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Old is always fifteen years from now.
- Bill Cosby

Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.
- the movie Arsenic and Old Lace (1944)

It is sad to grow old but nice to ripen.
- Brigitte Bardot

Where there's a will, there's a way.
- old English proverb

I make it a policy to try never to
make a complete idiot of myself twice in the same way.
After all, there's always all kinds of new ways
to make a complete idiot of myself.
Why repeat the old ones?
- Margot Dalton

We must be willing to get rid of the life we've planned,
so as to have the life that is waiting for us.
The old skin has to be shed before the new one can come.
- Joseph Campbell

When I was a boy of 14, my father was so ignorant
I could hardly stand to have the old man around.
But when I got to be 21, I was astonished
at how much the old man had learned in seven years.
- Mark Twain

You are never too old to set another goal
or to dream a new dream.
- C. S. Lewis

We don't stop playing because we grow old;
we grow old because we stop playing.
- George Bernard Shaw

Laugh, and the world laughs with you;
Weep, and you weep alone;
For the sad old earth must borrow its mirth,
But has trouble enough of its own.
- Ella Wheeler Wilcox

To a philosopher all news,
as it is called, is gossip,
and they who edit and read it
are old women over their tea.
- Henry David Thoreau

Old age has deformities enough of its own.
It should never add to them the deformity of vice.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Old deeds for old people, and new deeds for new.
- Henry David Thoreau

Forgiveness ... is the finishing of old business
that allows us to experience the present,
free of contamination from the past.
- Joan Borysenko

Peace is a daily, a weekly, a monthly process,
gradually changing opinions,
slowly eroding old barriers,
quietly building new structures.
- John F. Kennedy

And in the end, it's not
the years in your life that count,
it's the life in your years.
- Abraham Lincoln

What old people say you cannot do,
you try and find that you can.
Old deeds for old people, and new deeds for new.
- Henry David Thoreau

Getting old is a fascination thing.
The older you get, the older you want to get.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Every generation laughs at the old fashions,
but follows religiously the new.
- Henry David Thoreau

Youth, large, lusty, loving -
Youth, full of grace, force, fascination.
Do you know that Old Age may come after you
with equal grace, force, fascination?
- Walt Whitman

In youth the days are short and the years are long.
In old age the years are short and day's long.
- Pope Paul VI

That old law about "an eye for an eye" leaves everybody blind.
The time is always right to do the right thing.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Anyone who stops learning is old, whether at twenty or eighty.
Anyone who keeps learning stays young.
The greatest thing in life is to keep your mind young.
- Henry Ford

I've tried word processors, but I think I'm too old a dog to use one.
- Dee Brown

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person,
defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
- Dave Barry

None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.
- Henry David Thoreau

It is one of the blessings of old friends
that you can afford to be stupid with them.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

An old friend will help you move.
A good friend will help you move a dead body.
- Jim Hayes

When I look back on all these worries,
I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed
that he had had a lot of trouble in his life,
most of which had never happened.
- Winston Churchill

He is so old that his blood type was discontinued.
- George William Curtis

I don't think business news is just for old white men with money.
- Neil Cavuto

Experience - the wisdom that enables us to recognise
in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.
- Ambrose Bierce

I will never be an old man.
To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
- Francis Bacon

Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternatives.
- Cato

Success is that old ABC - ability, breaks,
and courage.
- Charles Luckman

Old age is no place for sissies.
- Bette Davis

Forty is the old age of youth, fifty is the youth of old age.
- Hosea Ballou

Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that can happen to a man.
- James Thurber

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake.
It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'
- Jerry Seinfeld

I have the body of an eighteen year old.
I keep it in the fridge.
- Spike Milligan

As long as any adult thinks that he,
like the parents and teachers of old,
can become introspective,
invoking his own youth to understand
the youth before him,
he is lost.
- Margaret Mead

When you finally go back to your old home,
you find it wasn't the old home you missed but your childhood.
- Sam Ewing

Preparation for old age should begin not later than one's teens.
A life which is empty of purpose until 65 will not
suddenly become filled on retirement.
- Dwight L. Moody

Old age comes on suddenly, and not gradually as is thought.
- Emily Dickinson

No man is ever old enough to know better.
- Holbrook Jackson

A man knows when he is growing old because he begins to look like his father.
- Gabriel Garcia Marquez

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
- George McGovern

No one should ever sit in this office over 70 years old,
and that I know.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

I cried on my 18th birthday.
I thought 17 was such a nice age.
You're young enough to get away with things,
but you're old enough, too.
- Liv Tyler

In youth we run into difficulties.
In old age difficulties run into us.
- Beverly Sills

Married or unmarried, young or old, poet or worker,
you are still a dreamer, and will one time know,
and feel, that your life is but a dream.
- Donald G. Mitchell

You end up as you deserve.
In old age you must put up with the face,
the friends, the health, and the children you have earned.
- Judith Viorst

To keep the heart unwrinkled, to be hopeful,
kindly, cheerful, reverent that is to triumph over old age.
- Amos Bronson Alcott

My mother gets all mad at me if I stay in a hotel.
I'm 31-years-old, and I don't want to sleep on a sleeping
bag down in the basement.
It's humiliating.
- Ben Affleck

I used to be good with kids, but as I get older,
I'm grumpy and terrible with them.
As for doing a gig at a 6-year old's birthday party,
you couldn't pay me enough.
- Johnny Vegas

I want to get old gracefully.
I want to have good posture, I want to be healthy and
be an example to my children.
- Sting


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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