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Let these funny Selfsame Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Not chance of birth or place has made us friends,
Being oftentimes of different tongues and nations,
But the endeavor for the selfsame ends,
With the same hopes, and fears, and aspirations.
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain
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"It's not that important,
don't worry about it" is the answer,
now what was the question?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Anonymous
It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel
I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein
DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers
Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death
Am I not destroying my enemies
when I make friends of them?
- Abraham Lincoln
I am not afraid of storms
for I am learning how to sail my ship.
- Louisa May Alcott
I think that there is nothing, not even crime,
more opposed to poetry, to philosophy, ay, to life itself
than this incessant business.
- Henry David Thoreau
Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.
- John Lennon
Adventure is not outside man; it is within.
- George Eliot
The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper
is that your guests are so pleased
to feel how very much better they are.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because
he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong
only because he has remained silent.
- Winston Churchill
Only two things are infinite,
the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein
One does not discover new lands without consenting
to lose sight of the shore for a very long time.
- Andre Gide
Normal is not something to aspire to,
it's something to get away from.
- Jodie Foster
Science is a wonderful thing
if one does not have to earn one's living at it.
- Albert Einstein
Although personally I am quite content with existing explosives,
I feel we must not stand in the path of improvement.
- Winston Churchill
For those who do not think,
it is best at least to rearrange
their prejudices once in a while.
- Luther Burbank
I do not fear death.
I had been dead for billions and billions
of years before I was born,
and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
- Mark Twain
I am not young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet
and steady and loyal and enduring a nature
that it will last through a whole lifetime,
if not asked to lend money.
- Mark Twain
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do;
the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
- Mary Wilson Little
People who say it cannot be done should not
interrupt those who are doing it.
- George Bernard Shaw
The mind is not a vessel to be filled
but a fire to be kindled.
- Plutarch
Genius may have its limitations,
but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
- Elbert Hubbard
Faith: not wanting to know what is true.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Though I am a servant, I am not your servant.
- Ursula K. Le Guin
The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain
The lawyer's truth is not Truth,
but consistency or a consistent expediency.
- Henry David Thoreau
Do not take life too seriously.
You will never get out of it alive.
- Elbert Hubbard
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
- Ursula K. Le Guin
The church is always trying to get other people to reform;
it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little,
by way of example.
- Mark Twain
I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer
Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth
until the hour of separation.
- Khalil Gibran
I do not believe in using women in combat,
because females are too fierce.
- Margaret Mead
I do not believe that civilization will be wiped out
in a war fought with the atomic bomb.
Perhaps two-thirds of the people of the earth will be killed.
- Albert Einstein
If you can not answer a man's argument,
all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
- Elbert Hubbard
I am always ready to learn
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
It's not much of a tail, but I'm sort of attached to it.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)
There is no use whatsoever trying to help
people who do not help themselves.
You cannot push anyone up a ladder
unless he is willing to climb himself.
- Andrew Carnegie
The existence of an anthropomorphic
"Father-figure" deity is not impossible,
merely exceptionally improbable and illogical.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.