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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny Woman Quotes
Funny Quotes about Woman

Let these funny Woman Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous

I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland


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Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West


 

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age.
If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
- Oscar Wilde

The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing.
The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
- Anonymous

I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.
- Stanley Baldwin

A woman in love can't be reasonable -
or she probably wouldn't be in love.
- Mae West

A particularly beautiful woman is a source of terror.
As a rule, a beautiful woman is a terrible disappointment.
- Carl Jung

As usual, there is a great woman behind every idiot.
- John Lennon

I will far rather see the race of man extinct
than that we should become less than beasts
by making the noblest of God's creation,
woman, the object of our lust.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills.
- the movie When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)

Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband
a month before she marries him
and what she thinks of him a year afterward,
and you will have the truth about him.
- H. L. Mencken

Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

There are four stages in a marriage.
First there's the affair,
then the marriage,
then children
and finally the fourth stage,
without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.
- Norman Mailer

Listen to the cry of a woman in labor at the hour of giving birth -
look at the dying man's struggle at his last extremity,
and then tell me whether something that begins and ends thus
could be intended for enjoyment.
- Soren Kierkegaard

A man never knows how to say goodbye;
a woman never knows when to say it.
- Helen Rowland

It doesn't matter how long my hair is
or what color my skin is
or whether I'm a woman or a man.
- John Lennon

Once made equal to man, woman becomes his superior.
- Socrates

It's all right for a woman to be, above all, human.
I am a woman first of all.
- Anais Nin

For most of history, Anonymous was a woman.
- Virginia Woolf

Every time we liberate a woman, we liberate a man.
- Margaret Mead

The real ornament of woman is her character, her purity.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Every man and woman is born into the world
to do something unique and something distinctive;
and if he or she does not do it,
it will never be done.
- Benjamin E. Mays

What is the appropriate behavior for a man or a woman
in the midst of this world,
where each person is clinging to his piece of debris?
What's the proper salutation between people
as they pass each other in this flood?
- The Buddha

A blessed thing it is for any man or woman to have a friend,
one human soul whom we can trust utterly,
who knows the best and worst of us,
and who loves us in spite of all our faults.
- Charles Kingsley

I, with a deeper instinct,
choose a man who compels my strength,
who makes enormous demands on me,
who does not doubt my courage or my toughness,
who does not believe me naive or innocent,
who has the courage to treat me like a woman.
- Anais Nin

Man can never know the kind of loneliness a woman knows.
Man lies in a woman's womb only to gather strength,
he nourishes himself from this fusion,
and then he rises and goes into the world,
into his work, into battle, into art.
He is not lonely. He is busy.
The memory of the swim in amniotic fluid gives him energy, completion.
The woman may be busy too, but she feels empty.
Sensuality for her is not only a wave of pleasure
in which she has bathed,
and a charge of electric joy at contact with another.
When man lies in her womb, she is fulfilled,
each act of love a a taking of man within her,
an act of birth and rebirth, of child-bearing and man-bearing.
Man lies in her womb and is reborn each time anew
with a desire to act, to BE.
But for woman, the climax is not in the birth,
but in the moment the man rests inside of her.
- Anais Nin

The woman who can create her own job
is the woman who will win fame and fortune.
- Amelia Earhart

I have worshipped woman as the living embodiment
of the spirit of service and sacrifice.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

A woman under stress is not immediately concerned
with finding solutions to her problems
but rather seeks relief
by expressing herself and being understood.
- John Gray

A woman is the only thing I am afraid of
that I know will not hurt me.
- Abraham Lincoln

Man can never be a woman's equal
in the spirit of selfless service
with which nature has endowed her.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Prayer is not an old woman's idle amusement.
Properly understood and applied,
it is the most potent instrument of action.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

It is a wonderful advantage to a man,
in every pursuit or avocation,
to secure an adviser in a sensible woman.
In woman there is at once a subtle delicacy of tact,
and a plain soundness of judgement,
which are rarely combined to an equal degree in man.
A woman, if she be really your friend,
will have a sensitive regard for your character, honor, repute.
She will seldom counsel you to do a shabby thing:
for a woman friend always desires to be proud of you.
- Edward Bulwer-Lytton

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
- Edgar Bergen

Clear? Huh. Why a four-year-old child
could understand this report.
Run out and find me a four-year-old child,
I can't make head or tail of it.
- the Groucho Marx movie Duck Soup

I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)

The Lord prefers common-looking people.
That is why he makes so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- Anonymous

If we were meant to be happy,
why did God create war, hunger, and the 11 o'clock news?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Why, sometimes I've believed as many as
six impossible things before breakfast.
- Lewis Carroll

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous

Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?"
Then a voice answers "Nothing personal,
your name just happened to come up. -
- Charlie Brown, in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

The reason why the world lacks unity,
and lies broken and in heaps,
is, because man is disunited with himself.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Why wait until you're dead,
when you can create your own Hell right here and now.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I make it a policy to try never to
make a complete idiot of myself twice in the same way.
After all, there's always all kinds of new ways
to make a complete idiot of myself.
Why repeat the old ones?
- Margot Dalton

I contend that we are both atheists.
I just believe in one fewer god than you do.
When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods,
you will understand why I dismiss yours.
- Stephen Roberts

"Rabbit's clever," said Pooh thoughtfully.
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit's clever."
"And he has Brain."
"Yes," said Piglet, "Rabbit has Brain."
There was a long silence.
"I suppose," said Pooh, "that that's why he never understands anything."
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)

Footprints in the sands of time...
Where have you been?
Where are you going?
Why are you going there?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A politician needs the ability to
foretell what is going to happen
tomorrow, next week, next month, and next year.
And to have the ability afterwards
to explain why it didn't happen.
- Winston Churchill

There are those that look at things
the way they are, and ask "Why?"
I dream of things that never were, and ask "Why not?"
- Robert F. Kennedy paraphrase of George Bernard Shaw

We have nearly complete misunderstanding between
people of different faiths in Lake Wobegon,
and that's probably one reason why we get along so very well.
It's when you are trying to convince another person to think
the same way that you do that there is
friction and trouble between people.
But when you feel that the other person is
dumber than dirt, too dumb for words -
why waste your breath - you get along pretty well.
There's no bond between people that's quite so strong as
when people each feel slightly superior towards the other one.
- Garrison Keillor

Why, I'd like nothing better than to achieve
some bold adventure, worthy of our trip.
- Aristophanes

Why not go out on a limb?
Isn't that where the fruit is?
- Mark Twain

Misery nourishes your ego -
that's why you see so many miserable people in the world.
The basic, central point is the ego.
- Osho

Everyone believes that their beliefs are the right ones -
that is why they are called beliefs.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

You see things and you say, Why?
But I dream things that never were and say, Why not
- George Bernard Shaw

Life is serious? Why?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Do you ever question why our educational system
teaches competition rather than cooperation?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Always listen to the experts.
They'll tell you what can't be done and why.
Then do it.
- Robert Heinlein

"Be Prepared."
"Be prepared for what?"
"Why, for any old thing."
- Robert Baden-Powell,
the founder of Scouting.
[as quoted in the Boy Scout Handbook]

People often say that motivation doesn't last.
Well, neither does bathing - that's why we recommend it daily.
- Zig Ziglar

To live is to choose. But to choose well,
you must know who you are and what you stand for,
where you want to go and why you want to get there.
- Kofi Annan

Much in life can be seen as ugly or beautiful - it's our choice.
Why would we choose to see any part of life as ugly?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

We may have our private opinions
but why should they be a bar to the meeting of hearts?
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Bold, Wild, and Colorful -
Why Be Anything Less?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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