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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny No Quotes
Funny Quotes about No

Let these funny No Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer

Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove

Oh no, I can't do anything to the death.
Doctor's orders. You see, I have this ulcer condition,
and death is the worst thing for it.
- the movie Love and Death

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
- Kevin James


 

When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner

There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!

I have six locks on my door all in a row.
When I go out, I lock every other one.
I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,
they are always locking three.
- Elayne Boosler


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Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
- the movie National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)

If truth is beauty, how come no one has their hair done in the library?
- Lily Tomlin

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well,
no, I was an accountant.
- Ellen DeGeneres

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective

A honeymoon should be like a table:
four bare legs and no drawers.
- Anonymous

A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

No matter how much cats fight,
there always seem to be plenty of kittens.
- Abraham Lincoln

Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
- Art Buchwald

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin

I have no fear of the gallows ... They're going to shoot me.
- the movie Love and Death

You have no values. With you its all nihilism,
cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Science may have found a cure for most evils;
but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all -
the apathy of human beings.
- Helen Keller

I am certainly not an authority on love because there
are no authorities on love,
just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.
- Bill Cosby

There is no such thing as public opinion.
There is only published opinion.
- Winston Churchill

He who loves 50 people has 50 woes;
he who loves no one has no woes.
- The Buddha

The way to silence religious disputes is to take no notice of them.
- Thomas Jefferson

No problem is so formidable that
you can't walk away from it.
- Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
- Mark Twain

It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel

The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain

No matter how calmly you try to referee,
parenting will eventually produce bizarre behavior,
and I'm not talking about the kids.
Their behavior is always normal.
- Bill Cosby

Every one desires to live long,
but no one would be old.
- Abraham Lincoln

The most difficult phase of life
is not when no one understands you,
it is when you don't understand yourself.
- Anonymous

There is no pleasure in having nothing to do;
the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
- Mary Wilson Little

An excellent man;
he has no enemies;
and none of his friends like him.
- Oscar Wilde

The worst government is often the most moral.
One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane.
But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.
- H. L. Mencken

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde

Early in life I had to choose between honest arrogance
and hypocritical humility.
I chose the former and have seen no reason to change.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

Some people are so heavenly minded
that they are no earthly good.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Less is only more where more is no good.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

The universe we observe has precisely
the properties we should expect
if there is, at bottom, no design,
no purpose, no evil, no good,
nothing but blind, pitiless indifference.
- Charles Darwin

Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.
- Laurence J. Peter

Random chance seems to have operated in our favor ...
there was no deity involved.
- Spock character in the Star Trek television series

There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
- Mark Twain

Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain

Do not bite at the bait of pleasure,
till you know there is no hook beneath it.
- Thomas Jefferson

I once had a rose named after me
and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue:
no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

There is no use whatsoever trying to help
people who do not help themselves.
You cannot push anyone up a ladder
unless he is willing to climb himself.
- Andrew Carnegie

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,
he no longer is.
- George Carlin

In theory there is no difference between theory and practice.
In practice there is.
- Yogi Berra

Raising children is an incredibly hard and risky business
in which no cumulative wisdom is gained:
each generation repeats the mistakes the previous one made.
- Bill Cosby

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears,
for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.
- Albert Einstein

No one was ever named "Hero" for following the crowd.
Heroes set their own course.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

If at first you don't succeed,
try, try, and try again.
Then give up.
There's no use being a damned fool about it.
- W. C. Fields

I am no longer young enough to know everything.
- Oscar Wilde

I begin with the principle that all men are bores.
Surely no one will prove himself
so great a bore as to contradict me in this.
- Soren Kierkegaard

It has been my experience that folks who
have no vices, have very few virtues.
- Abraham Lincoln

I find that principles have no real force
except when one is well fed.
- Mark Twain

A clever man commits no minor blunders.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Some things will never seem adequate
no matter how hard we try.
- from the movie White Man's Burden

Faced with the choice between changing one's mind
and proving that there is no need to do so,
almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
- John Kenneth Galbraith

My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own fatherhood,
but it didn't because parenting can only be learned
by people who have no children.
- Bill Cosby

Computers are like Old Testament gods;
lots of rules and no mercy.
- Joseph Campbell

When all think alike, no one is thinking very much.
- Walter Lippmann

It is the things for which there is no evidence
that are believed with passion.
- Bertrand Russell

Experience keeps a dear school,
but fools will learn in no other.
- Benjamin Franklin

I say NO to the demands of the world.
I say YES to the longings of my own heart.
There is nothing I ever need to have.
There is nothing I ever need to do.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I leave no trace of wings in the air,
but I am glad I have had my flight.
- Rabindranath Tagore

Do not let Sunday be taken from you.
If your soul has no Sunday, it becomes an orphan.
- Albert Schweitzer

It is a terrible thing to see and have no vision.
- Helen Keller


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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