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Let these funny Amputation Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
A divorce is like an amputation:
you survive it, but there's less of you.
- Margaret Atwood
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
- Anonymous
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There are four stages in a marriage.
First there's the affair,
then the marriage,
then children
and finally the fourth stage,
without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.
- Norman Mailer
If you have been divorced, you know it hurts -
especially if your marriage had lasted many years.
Whatever the circumstances of your relationship,
and whatever the nature of its ending,
there is always grief and regret -
perhaps regret over the ending,
or perhaps regret over not ending the relationship sooner -
or perhaps both.
Nonetheless, move past the grief and regret.
No matter how painful, divorce, like all endings,
opens the door to new beginnings.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
You can learn how to let go of the past.
Whether you have experienced a break up
with someone you cared for deeply,
whether death has taken a loved one,
whether you have had a feud with a friend or family member,
whether you have lost a job.
Move on and let go.
Life can be joyful and rewarding again.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
You cannot divorce religious belief and public service.
I've never detected any conflict between
God's will and my political duty.
If you violate one, you violate the other.
- Jimmy Carter
Do real life people actually fall in love
with the idea of being in love?
Unfortunately, it is actually quite common.
Someone wants desperately to have
the husband or wife of their dreams.
They visualize the vine-covered cottage
with the white picket fence.
They choose the colors for the nursery.
They design all the aspects of their married life.
A real person stands no chance of measuring up to those fantasies.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death
Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein
There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill
One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)
Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
- Art Buchwald
When written in Chinese, the word "crisis"
is composed of two characters.
One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.
- John F. Kennedy
Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help,
and what he cannot help.
- Thomas Fuller
There are two kinds of people,
those who do the work,
and those who take the credit.
Try to be in the first group;
there is less competition there.
- Indira Gandhi
Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
- Benjamin Franklin
Only two things are infinite,
the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein
Love is what makes two people
sit in the middle of a park bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends.
- Anonymous
Praying is important when you wake up
at two o'clock in the morning
feeling sick from eating something dumb the day before.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years
to have breakfast together,
but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.
- Winston Churchill
The will to believe chases out the rational mind,
whenever and wherever the two come into conflict.
- Philip K. Dick
I do not believe that civilization will be wiped out
in a war fought with the atomic bomb.
Perhaps two-thirds of the people of the earth will be killed.
- Albert Einstein
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln
The rite of the rings appeals yet appalls:
a cutting, a joining, a losing, a gaining.
One becomes half, as two become one.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns
Give the right man two fishes and some bread,
and he will feed the world;
give the wrong man two fishes and some bread
and he will invent the fast-food fish sandwich.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin
Having two bathrooms ruined the capacity to co-operate.
- Margaret Mead
I truly believe that happiness is possible...
even when you're thirty-three
and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason
Every tomorrow has two handles.
We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety
or the handle of faith.
- Henry Ward Beecher
There are only two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle.
- Albert Einstein
There are only two or three human stories,
and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely
as if they had never happened before.
- Willa Cather
Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.
- Khalil Gibran
Understanding is a two-way street.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Don't be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated;
you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
- David Lloyd George
Prejudice is a two-edged sword.
Like the steel sort of sword, it's very sharp, very useful,
and very dangerous if not properly mastered.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Cause and effect are two sides of one fact.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
You can close more business in two months
by becoming interested in other people
than you can in two years by trying
to get people interested in you.
- Dale Carnegie
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I ...
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.
- Robert Frost
Friendship is one mind in two bodies.
- Mencius
Pride comes in two flavors -
choose honor, not ego.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A wise man hears one word and understands two.
- Yiddish Proverb
When I am getting ready to reason with a man,
I spend one-third of my time thinking about myself
and what I am going to say
and two-thirds about him and what he is going to say.
- Abraham Lincoln
Unity can only be manifested by the Binary.
Unity itself and the idea of Unity are already two.
- The Buddha
I had three chairs in my house;
one for solitude, two for friendship, three for society.
- Henry David Thoreau
This is the answer to all questions about relationship.
When two people sing their lives in harmony,
their lives are grand.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
There are two kinds of stones,
as everyone knows,
one of which rolls.
- Amelia Earhart
The Two Great Lessons of Life: Choose Love & Trust God.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Two souls with but a single thought,
Two hearts that beat as one.
- Friedrich Halm
As a rock star, I have two instincts,
I want to have fun, and I want to change the world.
I have a chance to do both.
- Bono
At the beginning and at the end of love,
the two lovers are embarrassed to find themselves alone.
- Jean de la Bruyere
There are two means of refuge
from the miseries of life:
music and cats.
- Albert Schweitzer
Two little words that can make the difference: START NOW.
- Mary C. Crowley
We were given:
Two hands to hold.
Two legs to walk.
Two eyes to see.
Two ears to listen.
But why only one heart?
Because the other was given to someone else.
For us to find.
- Anonymous
Peace and justice are two sides of the same coin.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
Winners must have two things:
definite goals and a burning desire to achieve them.
- Anonymous
We have two ears and one mouth so that
we can listen twice as much as we speak.
- Epictetus
There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth
- not going all the way and not starting.
- The Buddha
There are two lasting bequests we can give our children
One is roots, the other is wings.
- Hodding Carter
Pride comes in two flavors -
be careful which you choose -
choose honor, not ego.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Friendship is not possible between two women
one of whom is very well dressed.
- Laurie Colwin
It takes two to speak the truth:
one to speak, and another to hear.
- Henry David Thoreau
This communicating of a man's self to his friend
works two contrary effects;
for it redoubleth joys, and cutteth griefs in half.
- Francis Bacon
Friendship is a strong and habitual inclination in two persons
to promote the good and happiness of one another.
- Eustace Budgell
The two powers which in my opinion constitute a wise man
are those of bearing and forbearing.
- Epictetus
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.