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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny Two Quotes
Funny Quotes about Two

Let these funny Two Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

When written in Chinese, the word "crisis"
is composed of two characters.
One represents danger and the other represents opportunity.
- John F. Kennedy

If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.
- Laurence J. Peter

Television has a real problem. They have no page two.
- Art Buchwald

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous


 

When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous

Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous


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As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices:
take it or leave it.
- Buddy Hackett

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
- Mae West

One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin

There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender,
but you don't have a top for it.
- Jerry Seinfeld

The reason there are two senators for each state is
so that one can be the designated driver.
- Jay Leno

Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death

I am proud to be an American.
Because an American can eat anything on the face of
this earth as long as he has two pieces of bread.
- Bill Cosby

I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin

My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years
to have breakfast together,
but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.
- Winston Churchill

Only two things are infinite,
the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein

The rite of the rings appeals yet appalls:
a cutting, a joining, a losing, a gaining.
One becomes half, as two become one.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns

The heart of marriage is memories; and if the two of
you happen to have the same ones and can savor your reruns,
then your marriage is a gift from the gods.
- Bill Cosby

The will to believe chases out the rational mind,
whenever and wherever the two come into conflict.
- Philip K. Dick

Three can keep a secret, if two of them are dead.
- Benjamin Franklin

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational
act that two people in love can commit.
- Bill Cosby

Having two bathrooms ruined the capacity to co-operate.
- Margaret Mead

I do not believe that civilization will be wiped out
in a war fought with the atomic bomb.
Perhaps two-thirds of the people of the earth will be killed.
- Albert Einstein

Love is what makes two people
sit in the middle of a park bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends.
- Anonymous

Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help,
and what he cannot help.
- Thomas Fuller

I truly believe that happiness is possible...
even when you're thirty-three
and have a bottom the size of two bowling balls.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason

Praying is important when you wake up
at two o'clock in the morning
feeling sick from eating something dumb the day before.
- Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

There are two kinds of people,
those who do the work,
and those who take the credit.
Try to be in the first group;
there is less competition there.
- Indira Gandhi

Give the right man two fishes and some bread,
and he will feed the world;
give the wrong man two fishes and some bread
and he will invent the fast-food fish sandwich.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
- Abraham Lincoln

Every tomorrow has two handles.
We can take hold of it with the handle of anxiety
or the handle of faith.
- Henry Ward Beecher

There are only two ways to live your life.
One is as though nothing is a miracle.
The other is as though everything is a miracle.
- Albert Einstein

There are only two or three human stories,
and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely
as if they had never happened before.
- Willa Cather

Don't be afraid to take a big step if one is indicated;
you can't cross a chasm in two small jumps.
- David Lloyd George

Understanding is a two-way street.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Prejudice is a two-edged sword.
Like the steel sort of sword, it's very sharp, very useful,
and very dangerous if not properly mastered.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Sadness is but a wall between two gardens.
- Khalil Gibran

The two most important things in life are good friends and a strong bullpen.
- Bob Lemon

Music fills the infinite between two souls.
- Rabindranath Tagore

Two souls with but a single thought,
Two hearts that beat as one.
- Friedrich Halm

There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when
two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife,
confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.
- Homer

After two weeks of working on a project,
you know whether it will work or not.
- Bill Budge

There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth
- not going all the way and not starting.
- The Buddha

I am two with nature.
- Woody Allen

The Two Great Lessons of Life: Choose Love & Trust God.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

If there are dreams about a beautiful South Africa,
there are also roads that lead to their goal.
Two of these roads could be named Goodness and Forgiveness.
- Nelson Mandela

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.
- Bill Maher

There are two kinds of failures:
those who thought and never did,
and those who did and never thought.
- Laurence J. Peter

What the public expects and what is healthy for an
individual are two very different things.
- Esther Williams

In love the paradox occurs that two beings become one and yet remain two.
- Erich Fromm

Time and health are two precious assets that we don't
recognize and appreciate until they have been depleted.
- Denis Waitley

What is design? It's where you stand with a foot in two worlds -
the world of technology and the world of people and human purposes -
and you try to bring the two together.
- Mitchell Kapor

In America, I would say New York and New Orleans are
the two most interesting food towns.
In New Orleans, they don't have a bad deli.
There's no mediocrity accepted.
- Mario Batali

Winners must have two things:
definite goals and a burning desire to achieve them.
- Anonymous

Pride comes in two flavors -
choose honor, not ego.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Sudden money is going from zero to two hundred dollars a week.
The rest doesn't count.
- Neil Simon

Stand by your man.
Give him two arms to cling to and something warm to come to.
- Tammy Wynette

People who don't take risks generally make about two big mistakes a year.
People who do take risks generally make about two big mistakes a year.
- Peter Drucker

A man always has two reasons for doing anything:
a good reason and the real reason.
- J. P. Morgan

Cause and effect are two sides of one fact.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

There are two kinds of stones,
as everyone knows,
one of which rolls.
- Amelia Earhart

Any healthy man can go without food for two days -
but not without poetry.
- Charles Baudelaire

He is no lawyer who cannot take two sides.
- Charles Lamb

You can close more business in two months
by becoming interested in other people
than you can in two years by trying
to get people interested in you.
- Dale Carnegie

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I ...
I took the one less traveled by,
and that has made all the difference.
- Robert Frost

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.
First, let her think she's having her own way.
And second, let her have it.
- Lyndon B. Johnson


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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