Enter one or two keywords to search these Funny Quotes.

Hint: keep it simple, like life twain



Facebook share   Tweet This   Email this

Funny Quotes about Life
Funny Quotes about Life | Funny Love Quotes | Links | About
Search:   A-   B-   Ca-   Co-   D-   E-   F-   G-   H-    I-    J-K-L   M-   N-O   Pa-   Pr-   Q-R   Sa-   Sk-   T-   U-V-W-X-Y-Z

Funny Things Quotes
Funny Quotes about Things

Let these funny Things Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

Love conquers all things except poverty and a toothache.
- Mae West

Still, things could be a lot worse.
Oh, that's right... I'm falling to my death. Guess they can't.
- the movie Megamind (2010)

There are only three things women need in life:
food,
water, and compliments.
- Chris Rock

What this country needs is a credit card for
charging things to experience.
- Tom Wilson


 

There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein

Oh, Shrek. Don't worry.
Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy
and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- the movie Shrek 2


Get a Funny Quote of the Day each day by email or in your feed reader.

 Subscribe in a reader -- or
Enter your email address:




Delivered by FeedBurner


I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things,
and I have succeeded fairly well.
- Robert Benchley

There are two things that are more difficult
than making an after-dinner speech:
climbing a wall which is leaning toward you
and kissing a girl who is leaning away from you.
- Winston Churchill

I never said most of the things I said.
- Yogi Berra

One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin

Of all the things that could frighten you,
you worry about my driving?
- Edward, from Twilight saga by Stephenie Meyer

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields

You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors

The trouble with having an open mind, of course,
is that people will insist on coming along
and trying to put things in it.
- Terry Pratchett

Things may come to those who wait,
but only the things left by those who hustle.
- Abraham Lincoln

Except in cases of necessity, which are rare,
leave your friend to learn
unpleasant things from his enemies;
they are ready enough to tell them.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

True believers just don't see things the way they are,
because if they did, they wouldn't be true believers anymore.
- Philip Caputo

"The time has come," the walrus said, "to talk of many things:
of shoes and ships - and sealing wax - of cabbages and kings."
- Lewis Carroll

Sometimes I've believed as many as
six impossible things before breakfast.
- Lewis Carroll

Things have never been more like the way they are today in history.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Few things are harder to put up with
than the annoyance of a good example.
- Mark Twain

It is the things for which there is no evidence
that are believed with passion.
- Bertrand Russell

Only two things are infinite,
the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein

Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help,
and what he cannot help.
- Thomas Fuller

Some things will never seem adequate
no matter how hard we try.
- from the movie White Man's Burden

Too many people spend money they haven't earned,
to buy things they don't want,
to impress people they don't like.
- Will Rogers

I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful,
natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
- Steve Martin

Why, sometimes I've believed as many as
six impossible things before breakfast.
- Lewis Carroll

The man who can smile when things go wrong
has thought of someone else he can blame it on.
- Robert Bloch

The trouble with the world is not
that people know too little,
but that they know so many things that ain't so.
- Mark Twain

Facts are stubborn things,
but statistics are more pliable.
- Laurence J. Peter

The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life.
Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul or we get fat.
- Albert Einstein

Sometimes I wonder if we shall ever grow up
in our politics and say definite things which mean something,
or whether we shall always go on using generalities
to which everyone can subscribe, and which mean very little.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed
by the things you didn't do than by the ones you did do.
So throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from the safe harbor.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.
Explore. Dream. Discover.
- widely misattributed to Mark Twain

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance:
It attempts to work things out so that
everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
- George Carlin

All things share the same breath -
the beast, the tree, the man...
the air shares its spirit with all the life it supports.
- Chief Seattle (attributed)

Everything is a miracle,
not just the beautiful and lovely things.
- Anonymous

I Dream This Day of Wondrous Things,
of Peace and Hope and Pride.
I Dance My Dance with Life Today,
I'm Filled with Love Inside.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Belief is a virus, and once it gets into you,
its first order of business is to preserve itself,
and the way it preserves itself
is to keep you from having any doubts,
and the way it keeps you from doubting
is to blind you to the way things really are.
- Philip Caputo

God grant me the serenity
To accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
- Reinhold Niebuhr (Serenity Prayer)

We don't see things as they are,
we see things as we are.
- Anais Nin

I am one with the Earth,
with the Water, with the Fire,
with the Air that I breathe,
with all Living Things,
and we are all one with Spirit.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A time for work, a time for play -
balance in all things.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent
about things that matter.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

All things at first appear difficult.
- Chinese proverb

Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing,
of just going along,
listening to all the things you can't hear,
and not bothering.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)

I believe that everything happens for a reason.
People change so that you can learn to let go,
things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right,
you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself,
and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
- Marilyn Monroe

Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves
to recognize how good things really are.
- Marianne Williamson

Deep in my heart I'm concealing things
that I'm longing to say.
Scared to confess what I'm feeling -
frightened you'll slip away.
- the movie Evita

Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes.
Don't resist them - that only creates sorrow.
Let reality be reality.
Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.
- Lao Tzu

Normally, we do not so much look at things as overlook them.
- Alan Watts

There's no tragedy in life like the death of a child.
Things never get back to the way they were.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

In a separation it is the one
who is not really in love
who says the more tender things.
- Marcel Proust

Know the best and highest choices for health
and more often choose those things.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

If we all did the things we are capable of doing,
we would literally astound ourselves.
- Thomas Edison

Times like these, dark times,
they do funny things to people.
They can tear them apart.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)

There are those that look at things
the way they are, and ask "Why?"
I dream of things that never were, and ask "Why not?"
- Robert F. Kennedy paraphrase of George Bernard Shaw

The problems of the world cannot possibly
be solved by skeptics or cynics
whose horizons are limited by the obvious realities.
We need men who can dream of things that never were.
- John F. Kennedy

"Sometimes," said Pooh, "the smallest things take up the most room in your heart."
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)

A ship in port is safe,
but that's not what ships are built for.
Sail out to sea and do new things.
- Grace Hopper

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do
every minute of every day. And the invisible man
has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do.
And if you do any of these things,
he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire
and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin

You see things and you say, Why?
But I dream things that never were and say, Why not
- George Bernard Shaw

Dare to dream of your great success.
Become intimate with those things
which deeply motivate you
and regularly work toward
the realization of that mission.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

He who trusts all things to chance,
makes a lottery of his life
- Proverb

Most of us are prisoners of habit,
and don't even notice that we do the same things,
think the same things, want the same things each day -
mostly without conscious thought.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Inspire people to do things for themselves.
Inspire people to think for themselves.
- Bono

I was thinking that I might fly today.
Just to disprove all the things you say...
please be careful with me, I'm sensitive,
and I'd like to stay that way.
- Jewel

The universe is full of magical things
patiently waiting for our wits to grow sharper.
- Eden Phillpotts

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back
and realize they were the big things.
- Robert Brault

It all depends on how we look at things,
and not how they are in themselves.
- Carl Jung


Thank you for visiting: Funny Things Quotes - Funny Quotes about Things.

Please sign up on the form below to receive
my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes email.

You can also search my large collection of Funny Quotes.

May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Sign-up for your free subscription to my Daily Inspiration - Daily Quote email.

Your E-Mail Address:
Your Name:

To confirm your subscription, you must click on a link in the email being sent to you.

Each email contains an unsubscribe link. We will NEVER sell, rent, loan, or abuse your email address in ANY way.


Funny Quotes

 


All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.