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Let these funny Laurence Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Speak when you are angry -
and you will make the best speech you'll ever regret.
- Laurence J. Peter
The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway
is usually a poor judge of distance.
- Laurence J. Peter
Everyone rises to their level of incompetence.
- Laurence J. Peter
Against logic there is no armor like ignorance.
- Laurence J. Peter
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Facts are stubborn things,
but statistics are more pliable.
- Laurence J. Peter
Education is a method whereby
one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.
- Laurence J. Peter
There are two kinds of failures:
those who thought and never did,
and those who did and never thought.
- Laurence J. Peter
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)
Mr. Attlee is a very modest man.
Indeed he has a lot to be modest about.
- Winston Churchill
God must love the common man, he made so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln
It appears to be a law that you cannot have
a deep sympathy with both man and nature.
- Henry David Thoreau
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man,
and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer
The man of science is a poor philosopher.
- Albert Einstein
If you can not answer a man's argument,
all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
- Elbert Hubbard
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
- Albert Schweitzer
The way for a young man to rise is
to improve himself in every way he can,
never suspecting that anybody wishes to hinder him.
- Abraham Lincoln
Morality which depends upon the helplessness
of a man or woman has not much to recommend it.
Morality is rooted in the purity of our hearts.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Man is a credulous animal, and must believe something;
in the absence of good grounds for belief,
he will be satisfied with bad ones.
- Bertrand Russell
It is sad but unfortunately true that
man learns nothing from history.
- Carl Jung
Every man prefers belief to the exercise of judgment.
- Lucius Annaeus Seneca
You can always tell when a man's well informed.
His views are pretty much like your own.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills.
- the movie When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)
I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I
I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous
A clever man commits no minor blunders.
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
I would rather trust a woman's instinct than a man's reason.
- Stanley Baldwin
Man tends to treat all of his opinions as principles.
- Herbert Sebastian Agar
Every man thinks God is on his side.
- Jean Anouilh
Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus
A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything
and the value of nothing.
- Oscar Wilde
The man who reads nothing at all
is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.
- Thomas Jefferson
We are born believing.
A man bears beliefs as a tree bears apples.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I like a man who grins when he fights.
- Winston Churchill
The savage in man is never quite eradicated.
- Henry David Thoreau
Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
- Winston Churchill
A man can't be too careful in the choice of enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
The civilized man has built a coach,
but has lost the use of his feet.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
I will far rather see the race of man extinct
than that we should become less than beasts
by making the noblest of God's creation,
woman, the object of our lust.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Never give a sword to a man who can't dance.
- Confucius
If it keeps up, man will atrophy
all his limbs but the push-button finger.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.