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Let these funny Halfway Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
The man who says he is willing to meet you halfway
is usually a poor judge of distance.
- Laurence J. Peter
Just because your voice reaches halfway around the world
doesn't mean you are wiser
than when it reached only to the end of the bar.
- Edward R. Murrow
Believe you can and you're halfway there.
- Theodore Roosevelt
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
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A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money.
- W. C. Fields
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin
Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash
A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill
Barf: I'm a mog: half man, half dog. I'm my own best friend!
- the movie Spaceballs (1987)
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend.
Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen
One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain
Don't marry a man to reform him -
that's what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
You can lead a man to Congress,
but you can't make him think.
- Milton Berle
Afraid? Me? A man who's licked
his weight in wild caterpillars?
Afraid? You bet I'm afraid!
- Groucho Marx
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
A man is a fool if he drinks before he reaches the age of 50,
and a fool if he doesn't afterward.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
An excellent man;
he has no enemies;
and none of his friends like him.
- Oscar Wilde
A conservative is a man who is
too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
- Elbert Hubbard
Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help,
and what he cannot help.
- Thomas Fuller
Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Stay hopeless and confused. Keep polishing those skills.
- the movie When a Man Loves a Woman (1994)
Adventure is not outside man; it is within.
- George Eliot
Man's nature is not essentially evil.
Brute nature has been known to
yield to the influence of love.
You must never despair of human nature.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
You can always tell when a man's well informed.
His views are pretty much like your own.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Man can hardly even recognize the devils of his own creation.
- Albert Schweitzer
The man of science is a poor philosopher.
- Albert Einstein
Show me a sane man, and I will cure him for you.
- Carl Jung
If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin
I know that God made the whole world in 4004 BC.
I know because my preacher told me. He's a good man.
He's even saving up all the money we give him
to go to bible college someday.
- Anonymous Humor
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers,
looks around for a coffin.
- H. L. Mencken
The man who reads nothing at all
is better educated than the man who reads nothing but newspapers.
- Thomas Jefferson
It is sad but unfortunately true that
man learns nothing from history.
- Carl Jung
The civilized man has built a coach,
but has lost the use of his feet.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The power of man has grown in every sphere, except over himself.
- Winston Churchill
Beauty is the bait which with delight
allures man to enlarge his kind.
- Socrates
The reason why the world lacks unity,
and lies broken and in heaps,
is, because man is disunited with himself.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The way for a young man to rise is
to improve himself in every way he can,
never suspecting that anybody wishes to hinder him.
- Abraham Lincoln
The man who can smile when things go wrong
has thought of someone else he can blame it on.
- Robert Bloch
It appears to be a law that you cannot have
a deep sympathy with both man and nature.
- Henry David Thoreau
God must love the common man, he made so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln
I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Give the right man two fishes and some bread,
and he will feed the world;
give the wrong man two fishes and some bread
and he will invent the fast-food fish sandwich.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I will far rather see the race of man extinct
than that we should become less than beasts
by making the noblest of God's creation,
woman, the object of our lust.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain
An intellectual is a man
who takes more words than necessary
to tell more than he knows.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
The savage in man is never quite eradicated.
- Henry David Thoreau
Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus
A man can't be too careful in the choice of enemies.
- Oscar Wilde
Man is a clever animal who behaves like an imbecile.
- Albert Schweitzer
Mr. Attlee is a very modest man.
Indeed he has a lot to be modest about.
- Winston Churchill
I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin
I don't advise a haircut, man.
All hairdressers are in the employment of the government.
Hairs are your aerials.
They pick up signals from the cosmos,
and transmit them directly into the brain.
This is the reason bald-headed men are uptight.
- the movie Withnail & I
Never give a sword to a man who can't dance.
- Confucius
A benevolent man should allow a few faults in himself,
to keep his friends in countenance.
- Benjamin Franklin
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.