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Let these funny Handshake Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
The postman wants an autograph.
The cab driver wants a picture.
The waitress wants a handshake.
Everyone wants a piece of you.
- John Lennon
I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Money won't make you happy...
but everybody wants to find out for themselves.
- Zig Ziglar
Our problems are man-made, therefore they may be solved by man.
And man can be as big as he wants.
No problem of human destiny is beyond human beings.
- John F. Kennedy
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Just because an animal is large, it doesn't mean he doesn't want kindness;
however big Tigger seems to be, remember that he wants as much kindness as Roo.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)
Money has never made man happy, nor will it,
there is nothing in its nature to produce happiness.
The more of it one has the more one wants.
- Benjamin Franklin
The slavery of fear had made men afraid to think.
But such is the irresistible nature of truth,
that all it asks, and all it wants, is the liberty of appearing.
- Thomas Paine, Rights of Man, 1791
All God wants of man is a peaceful heart.
- Meister Eckhart
Man falls from the pursuit of the ideal
of plain living and high thinking
the moment he wants to multiply his daily wants.
Man's happiness really lies in contentment.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
A man is a success if he gets up in
the morning and gets to bed at night,
and in between he does what he wants to do.
- Bob Dylan
Government is a contrivance
of human wisdom to provide for human wants.
People have the right to expect that these wants
will be provided for by this wisdom.
- Jimmy Carter
Wealth consists not in having great possessions,
but in having few wants.
- Epictetus
Any man who wants to be president
is either an egomaniac or crazy.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
I distrust those people who know so well
what God wants them to do,
because I notice it always coincides
with their own desires.
- Susan B. Anthony
He who wants to do good knocks at the gate:
he who loves finds the door open.
- Rabindranath Tagore
Priorities - what's really important -
health, and doing what one wants to do -
it's certainly not money.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Can anything be so elegant as to have few wants,
and to serve them one's self?
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nobody needs your help.
I know, I know, this is a difficult one. But it is true.
This does not mean no one wants your help,
or that no one could use your help.
It simply means the thought that another
Aspect of Divinity is powerless without you is inaccurate.
- Neale Donald Walsch
Do real life people actually fall in love
with the idea of being in love?
Unfortunately, it is actually quite common.
Someone wants desperately to have
the husband or wife of their dreams.
They visualize the vine-covered cottage
with the white picket fence.
They choose the colors for the nursery.
They design all the aspects of their married life.
A real person stands no chance of measuring up to those fantasies.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
If the mind wants to comprehend reality,
it will have to come out of the past and the future.
But coming out of the past and the future,
it is no longer the mind at all.
Hence the insistence of all the great masters of the world
that the door to reality is no-mind.
- Osho
Conversations with God are very different
from the usual nature of prayer.
Prayers are commonly only in one direction -
the one praying speaks and hopes God is listening.
Prayers also tend to focus on asking
for specific things or outcomes one wants,
rather than seeking to better understand the mind of God.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Leadership is the art of getting someone else
to do something you want done because he wants to do it.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
How wrong is it for women to expect
the man to build the world she wants,
rather than set out to create it herself.
- Anais Nin
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
"It's not that important,
don't worry about it" is the answer,
now what was the question?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Anonymous
It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death
I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein
DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove
Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein
The existence of an anthropomorphic
"Father-figure" deity is not impossible,
merely exceptionally improbable and illogical.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The faith that stands on authority is not faith.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
If you can not answer a man's argument,
all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
- Elbert Hubbard
When dealing with people, remember you are
not dealing with creatures of logic,
but creatures of emotion.
- Dale Carnegie
I think that there is nothing, not even crime,
more opposed to poetry, to philosophy, ay, to life itself
than this incessant business.
- Henry David Thoreau
The rich are not born skeptical or cynical.
They are made that way by events, circumstances.
- Paul Getty
A loyal friend laughs at your jokes
when they're not so good,
and sympathizes with your problems
when they're not so bad.
- Arnold H. Glasgow
There is no pleasure in having nothing to do;
the fun is in having lots to do and not doing it.
- Mary Wilson Little
Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition,
is not only a waste of energy
but the worst habit you could possibly have.
- Dale Carnegie
Too often the strong, silent man is silent only because
he does not know what to say, and is reputed strong
only because he has remained silent.
- Winston Churchill
Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Science is a wonderful thing
if one does not have to earn one's living at it.
- Albert Einstein
It is only the poor who pay cash,
and that not from virtue,
but because they are refused credit.
- Anatole France
One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.
- Marianne Williamson
The person who says it cannot be done
should not interrupt the person who is doing it.
- Chinese proverb
Am I not destroying my enemies
when I make friends of them?
- Abraham Lincoln
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.