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Let these funny Vine Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
Do real life people actually fall in love
with the idea of being in love?
Unfortunately, it is actually quite common.
Someone wants desperately to have
the husband or wife of their dreams.
They visualize the vine-covered cottage
with the white picket fence.
They choose the colors for the nursery.
They design all the aspects of their married life.
A real person stands no chance of measuring up to those fantasies.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The Sweetest Strawberry:
A man traveling across a field encountered a tiger.
He fled, the tiger after him.
Coming to a precipice,
he caught hold of the root of a wild vine
and swung himself over the edge.
The tiger sniffed at him from above.
Trembling, the man looked down to where,
far below, another tiger was waiting to eat him.
Only the vine sustained him.
Two mice, one white and one black,
little by little started to gnaw away the vine.
The man then saw a luscious strawberry near him.
Grasping the vine with one hand,
he plucked the strawberry with the other.
How sweet it tasted.
- Zen Koan
The physician can bury his mistakes,
but the architect can only advise his client to plant vines -
so they should go as far as possible from home
to build their first buildings.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
A doctor can bury his mistakes
but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.
- Frank Lloyd Wright
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Your pain is the breaking of the shell
that encloses your understanding.
Much of your pain is self-chosen.
It is the bitter potion by which the
physician within you heals your sick self.
Therefore trust the physician, and drink
his remedy in silence and tranquility.
- Khalil Gibran
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death
(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
Now, if you don't mind, I'd appreciate it if you could lower your wand.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban
It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary
It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel
Look your best - who said love is blind?
- Mae West
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein
A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash
Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci
Crazy is walking down the street
with half a cantaloupe on your head,
muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."
- the movie Spy Hard (1996)
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
- Albert Einstein
There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!
When everything comes your way
you're in the wrong lane.
- Anonymous
New Yorkers love it when you spill your guts out there.
Spill your guts at Wimbledon and they make you stop and clean it up.
- Jimmy Carter
When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain
Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl
could want in her life, except for good taste in men.
- Anonymous
Fasten your safety belts, clench your buttocks!
It's going be a bumpy ride!
- the movie Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (2004)
Always forgive your enemies -
nothing annoys them so much.
- Oscar Wilde
Oh, you weak, beautiful people
who give up with such grace.
What you need is someone to take hold of you -
gently, with love, and hand your life back to you.
- Tennessee Williams
Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer.
- the movie The Godfather, Part II
To go against the dominant thinking of your friends,
of most of the people you see every day,
is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can perform.
- Theodore H. White
A wedding is just like a funeral
except that you get to smell your own flowers.
- Grace Hansen
It is far more impressive when others
discover your good qualities without your help.
- Judith Martin
Let your sympathies and your compassion
be always with the under dog in the fight -
this is magnanimity;
but bet on the other one - this is business.
- Mark Twain
God Loves an Open Mind, Clean Hands, and a Loving Heart.
So does Your Mother.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition,
is not only a waste of energy
but the worst habit you could possibly have.
- Dale Carnegie
Trust your own instinct.
Your mistakes might as well be your own,
instead of someone else's.
- Billy Wilder
Knowing your own darkness is the best method
for dealing with the darknesses of other people.
- Carl Jung
Grit ruins clam chowder,
but enhances your character.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A loyal friend laughs at your jokes
when they're not so good,
and sympathizes with your problems
when they're not so bad.
- Arnold H. Glasgow
Though I am a servant, I am not your servant.
- Ursula K. Le Guin
Never try to teach a pig to sing.
It wastes your time, and it annoys the pig.
- Mark Twain
Why wait until you're dead,
when you can create your own Hell right here and now.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Until you've lost your reputation,
you never realize what a burden it was.
- Margaret Mitchell
It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job:
it's a depression when you lose yours.
- Harry S. Truman
You are Never Too Old to Give or Get Gold Stars.
Show Your Honest Appreciation - Today.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Don't underestimate your abilities,
that's your boss's job.
- Anonymous
Stay Happy, never let anyone get your goat.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
This is serious, get out your magic wand.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Don't die with your music still inside you.
Listen to your intuitive inner voice
and find what passion stirs your soul.
- Wayne Dyer
The only advantage of not being too good a housekeeper
is that your guests are so pleased
to feel how very much better they are.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Except in cases of necessity, which are rare,
leave your friend to learn
unpleasant things from his enemies;
they are ready enough to tell them.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
What If Every Day Were Your Day -
Celebrate Whimsey Today.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Just remember, after they foreclose on your mortgage,
you get a lot more sunshine in your life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?"
Then a voice answers "Nothing personal,
your name just happened to come up. -
- Charlie Brown, in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
Heaven must be an awfully dull place
if your best friends end up elsewhere.
- Anonymous
Do not use a hatchet to remove
a fly from your friend's forehead.
- Chinese Proverb
Choose to soar. Choose to fly your dreams.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A true friend is one who
overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson
The best way to appreciate your job
is to imagine yourself without one.
- Oscar Wilde
Vengeance: "It's your fault; you must pay; you must bleed."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you'll find one at the end of your arm.
- Audrey Hepburn
You can always tell when a man's well informed.
His views are pretty much like your own.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin
When life gets you down -
just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
- Anonymous humor
Life is serious, get out your magic wand.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
You know your god is man-made when he
hates all the same people you do.
- Anonymous
You can safely assume that you've
created God in your own image
when it turns out that God hates
all the same people you do.
- Anne Lamott
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems,
but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
- Herm Albright
Life's a bitch... and then you change your attitude.
- Jennifer Unlimited
Never let the fear of striking out get in your way.
- Babe Ruth
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.