Enter one or two keywords to search these Funny Quotes.

Hint: keep it simple, like life twain



Facebook share   Tweet This   Email this

Funny Quotes about Life
Funny Quotes about Life | Funny Love Quotes | Links | About
Search:   A-   B-   Ca-   Co-   D-   E-   F-   G-   H-    I-    J-K-L   M-   N-O   Pa-   Pr-   Q-R   Sa-   Sk-   T-   U-V-W-X-Y-Z

Funny Wife Quotes
Funny Quotes about Wife

Let these funny Wife Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

Don't forget Mother's Day.
Or as they call it in Beverly Hills,
Dad's Third Wife Day.
- Jay Leno

One man's folly is another man's wife.
- Helen Rowland

I'm not a real movie star.
I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
- Will Rogers

A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill


 

I have often wanted to drown my troubles,
but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
- Anonymous

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
- Lana Turner

I haven't spoken to my wife in years.
I didn't want to interrupt her.
- Rodney Dangerfield


Get a Funny Quote of the Day each day by email or in your feed reader.

 Subscribe in a reader -- or
Enter your email address:




Delivered by FeedBurner


No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase

My wife ran off with my best friend, and I sure do miss him.
- Anonymous

Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus

My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years
to have breakfast together,
but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.
- Winston Churchill

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

I guess the real reason that my wife and I had children
is the same reason that Napoleon had for invading Russia:
it seemed like a good idea at the time.
- Bill Cosby

My advice to you is get married:
if you find a good wife you'll be happy;
if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

Let us now set forth one of the fundamental truths about marriage:
the wife is in charge.
- Bill Cosby

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
- E. Joseph Cossman

By all means marry.
If you get a good wife, you'll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher
and that is a good thing for any man.
- Socrates

Caesar might have married Cleopatra,
but he had a wife at home.
There's always something.
- Will Cuppy

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife
an electric skillet for her birthday.
- Erma Bombeck

The true index of a man's character is the health of his wife.
- Cyril Connolly

An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but
tries to be just as charming as if she weren't.
- Sacha Guitry

Basically my wife was immature.
I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
- Woody Allen

The woman is uniformly sacrificed to the wife and mother.
- Elizabeth Cady Stanton

It's tough to stay married.
My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
- Rodney Dangerfield

He was a dreamer, a thinker, a speculative philosopher...
or, as his wife would have it, an idiot.
- Douglas Adams

A woman must combine the role of mother,
wife and politician.
- Emma Bonino

A good marriage would be between a blind wife and a deaf husband.
- Michel de Montaigne

A son is a son till he takes him a wife,
a daughter is a daughter all of her life.
- Irish Traditional

Never feel remorse for what you have thought about your wife;
she has thought much worse things about you.
- Jean Rostand

We must respect the other fellow's religion,
but only in the sense and to the extent
that we respect his theory that
his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
- H. L. Mencken

The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife.
- David Ogilvy

I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy.
First, let her think she's having her own way.
And second, let her have it.
- Lyndon B. Johnson

Hubert Humphrey talks so fast that listening to him
is like trying to read Playboy magazine with your wife turning the pages.
- Barry Goldwater

He that loves not his wife and children feeds a lioness at home,
and broods a nest of sorrows.
- Jeremy Taylor

A psychiatrist asks a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
- Joey Adams

There's just me and my wife and a dog and we feed him Healthy Choice also.
- Mike Ditka

When a man opens a car door for his wife,
it's either a new car or a new wife.
- Prince Philip

No man succeeds without a good woman behind him.
Wife or mother, if it is both, he is twice blessed indeed.
- Harold MacMillan

I don't think my wife likes me very much,
when I had a heart attack she wrote for an ambulance.
- Frank Carson

I'm a fun father, but not a good father.
The hard decisions always went to my wife.
- John Lithgow

Let the wife make the husband glad to come home,
and let him make her sorry to see him leave.
- Martin Luther

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge
than to let him keep her.
- Sacha Guitry

There's nothing like a good cheating song to make me
want to run home to be with my wife.
- Steven Curtis Chapman

Choose a friend as thou dost a wife,
till death separate you.
- William Penn

I got up with my wife, I sat down at the computer when she went to work,
and I didn't stop until she got home.
- George Stephen

A man's home is his wife's castle.
- Alexander Chase

If I had no family, my wife and I would lead a much
more romantic and nomadic existence.
- David McCallum

A dress that zips up the back will bring a husband and wife together.
- James H. Boren

The man in our society is the breadwinner;
the woman has enough to do as the homemaker,
wife and mother.
- Dorothy Fields

There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when
two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife,
confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.
- Homer

Medicine is my lawful wife and literature my mistress;
when I get tired of one,
I spend the night with the other.
- Anton Chekhov

The comfortable estate of widowhood is the only hope
that keeps up a wife's spirits.
- John Gay

My wife and I have so much fun when we travel and find anything...
like stray cats and squirrels.
- Eric Roberts

A man cannot speak to his son, but as a father;
to his wife, but as a husband;
to his enemy, but upon terms:
whereas a friend may speak, as the case requires,
and not as it sorteth with the person.
- Francis Bacon

Never in any case say I have lost such a thing, but I have returned it.
Is your child dead? It is a return. Is your wife dead? It is a return.
Are you deprived of your estate? Is not this also a return?
- Epictetus

We call that person who has lost his father,
an orphan; and a widower that man who has lost his wife.
But that man who has known the immense unhappiness of losing a friend,
by what name do we call him? Here every language is
silent and holds its peace in impotence.
- Joseph Roux

Do real life people actually fall in love
with the idea of being in love?
Unfortunately, it is actually quite common.
Someone wants desperately to have
the husband or wife of their dreams.
They visualize the vine-covered cottage
with the white picket fence.
They choose the colors for the nursery.
They design all the aspects of their married life.
A real person stands no chance of measuring up to those fantasies.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

My wife gets all the money I make.
I just get an apple and clean clothes every morning.
- Ray Romano

The party now is having my kids laugh and my wife laugh and my teammates.
I want them to see me have fun and put it in a different way.
- Brett Favre

It's better when you have your wife with you,
more fun.
- Evan Dando

I don't write about certain arguments I have with my wife.
I'd get my head torn off if wrote about certain things.
- Harvey Pekar

My wife is the dancer, but I certainly know how to sing.
- David Hasselhoff

I know at the beginning of our careers,
my wife and I were gut wrenchingly competitive.
- Barry Mann

I mean, Emily Harris was his wife.
And she seemed to resent his leadership,
but on the other hand, she felt like a good soldier,
that he had to be the leader.
- Patty Hearst

Choose a wife rather by your ear than your eye.
- Thomas Fuller

I prefer the word 'homemaker' because 'housewife' always
implies that there may be a wife someplace else.
- Bella Abzug

If I win, I'll take my wife and buy her a whole new wardrobe.
If she's happy then I'll be happy.
- Chris Daughtry

My wife Mariana is a good photographer too and,
like me, she just picks up a camera and takes a picture when she sees something,
rather than looking too deeply into it.
- Graeme Le Saux

Every man who is high up likes to think he has done it all himself;
and the wife smiles,
and lets it go at that.
It's our only joke.
Every woman knows that.
- J. M. Barrie

My wife and children seem to like me quite a bit,
and as long as that is true, I'm really OK.
- Brian Williams


Thank you for visiting: Funny Wife Quotes - Funny Quotes about Wife.

Please sign up on the form below to receive
my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes email.

You can also search my large collection of Funny Quotes.

May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Sign-up for your free subscription to my Daily Inspiration - Daily Quote email.

Your E-Mail Address:
Your Name:

To confirm your subscription, you must click on a link in the email being sent to you.

Each email contains an unsubscribe link. We will NEVER sell, rent, loan, or abuse your email address in ANY way.


Funny Quotes

 


All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.