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A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
by Woody Allen

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall PHOTO

I have a very low threshold of death.
My doctor says I can't have bullets enter my body at any time.
- the Woody Allen movie Casino Royale

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year
for cheating on my metaphysics final ...
I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall


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I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry


 

You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

I'm awash in self-contempt!
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

I don't believe in the after life,
although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories

You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- Woody Allen

There's nothing wrong with being afraid.
We were meant to be afraid.
- the Woody Allen movie Anything Else

I'm going to go in the bathroom and scream.
I'll be out in a minute.
- the Woody Allen movie What's New Pussycat

The food at this place is really terrible ...
and such small portions.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage
is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
- Woody Allen

All people know the same truth.
Our lives consist of how we chose to distort it.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

You have no values. With you its all nihilism,
cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Money is better than poverty,
if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen

The lion and the calf shall lie down together,
but the calf won't get much sleep.
- Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
- Woody Allen

It's just gossip, you know. Gossip is the new pornography.
- the Woody Allen movie Manhattan (1979)

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have,
instead of what you don't have.
- Woody Allen

I have a very pessimistic view of life.
You should know this about me if we're gonna go out.
You know, I - I feel that life is -
is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
Those are the two categories, you know.
The - the horrible would be like, um,
I don't know, terminal cases, you know,
and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life.
It's amazing to me. You know, and the miserable is everyone else.
That's - that's - so - so - when you go through life -
you should be thankful that you're miserable
because you're very lucky to be miserable.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck

Nothing echoes like an empty mailbox.
- Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts

I have lost friends, some by death ...
others by sheer inability to cross the street.
- Virginia Woolf

From wine what sudden friendship springs.
- John Gay

Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl
could want in her life, except for good taste in men.
- Anonymous

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin

A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler

Nothing is more cheerful than talking
about our friends' shortcomings.
- Mason Cooley

The worst part of success is to try to find
someone who is happy for you.
- Bette Midler

Nothing makes the earth seem so spacious
as to have friends at a distance;
they make the latitudes and the longitudes.
- Henry David Thoreau

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring,
close-knit family in another city.
- George Burns

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck

Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous

Contrary to general belief,
I do not believe that friends are necessarily
the people you like best,
they are merely the people who got there first.
- Peter Ustinov

A benevolent man should allow a few faults in himself,
to keep his friends in countenance.
- Benjamin Franklin

I choose my friends for their good looks,
my acquaintances for their good characters,
and my enemies for their intellects.
A man cannot be too careful in the choice of his enemies.
- Oscar Wilde

I want a girl just like good old mom,
who is different in every way.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

My father and he had one of those English friendships
which begins by avoiding the intimacies
and eventually eliminates speech altogether.
- Jorge Luis Borges

Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president,
but they don't want them to become politicians in the process.
- John F. Kennedy

Do not use a hatchet to remove
a fly from your friend's forehead.
- Chinese Proverb

Fathers are biological necessities, but social accidents.
- Margaret Mead

It is far better to be alone,
than to be in bad company.
- George Washington

Money can't buy friends
but it can get you a better class of enemy.
- Spike Milligan

A lifelong friend is someone
you haven't borrowed money from yet.
- Anonymous

Nobody can be uncheered with a balloon.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)

The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet
and steady and loyal and enduring a nature
that it will last through a whole lifetime,
if not asked to lend money.
- Mark Twain

I'm a very loyal and unreliable friend.
- Bono

Most people enjoy the inferiority of their best friends.
- Lord Chesterfield

I never considered a difference of opinion
in politics, in religion, in philosophy,
as cause for withdrawing from a friend.
- Thomas Jefferson

The feeling of friendship is like that
of being comfortably filled with roast beef;
love, like being enlivened with champagne.
- Samuel Johnson

"Appeasement" is the policy of feeding your friends to a crocodile,
one at a time, in hopes that the crocodile will eat you last.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt

Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A true friend is one who
overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson

A true friend stabs you in the front.
- Oscar Wilde

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
- Oscar Wilde

Families are like fudge... mostly sweet with a few nuts.
- Anonymous

A loyal friend laughs at your jokes
when they're not so good,
and sympathizes with your problems
when they're not so bad.
- Arnold H. Glasgow

Do you feel stuck?
Whether in a project, a job, a relationship,
or some other situation,
there is a time for perseverance,
and a time for letting go and moving on.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.