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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny On Quotes
Funny Quotes about On

Let these funny On Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

Here are the opinions on which my facts are based.
- Anonymous

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde PHOTO

Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie PHOTO

You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point


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The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death

There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!

Tip the world over on its side and
everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
- Frank Lloyd Wright


 

I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage
is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain

Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones!
- the movie Shrek (2001)

You can put wings on a pig,
but you don't make it an eagle.
- William J. Clinton

Sucking the marrow out of life
doesn't mean choking on the bone.
- Robin Williams as John Keating
in the 1989 movie Dead Poets Society

He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor

Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

Crazy is walking down the street
with half a cantaloupe on your head,
muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."
- the movie Spy Hard (1996)

My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face.
- the movie Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year
for cheating on my metaphysics final ...
I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein

Just remember, after they foreclose on your mortgage,
you get a lot more sunshine in your life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong.
- Mo Udall

Well excuse me - we've got something
a little unusual going on here -
time travel, parallel universes,
or just a little common ordinary insanity.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A big part of letting go is recognizing
when it is time to stay in a situation
and when it is time to move on.
- Darren L. Johnson

Let your sympathies and your compassion
be always with the under dog in the fight -
this is magnanimity;
but bet on the other one - this is business.
- Mark Twain

Human beings are the only creatures on the planet
who tell time and think they have to earn a living.
- Buckminster Fuller

Life is like a sewer...
what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer

The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life.
Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul or we get fat.
- Albert Einstein

Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain

The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing.
The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

People living their lives for you on TV;
They say they're better than you, and you agree.
- Jewel

It is dangerous to be right in matters
on which the established authorities are wrong.
- Voltaire

Hold on with a bulldog grip,
and chew and choke as much as possible.
- Abraham Lincoln

I love to shop after a bad relationship.
I don't know. I buy a new outfit
and it makes me feel better. It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit,
I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner

The worst government is often the most moral.
One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane.
But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.
- H. L. Mencken

I am fond of pigs.
Dogs look up to us.
Cats look down on us.
Pigs treat us as equals.
- Winston Churchill

The trouble with having an open mind, of course,
is that people will insist on coming along
and trying to put things in it.
- Terry Pratchett

Faced with the choice between changing one's mind
and proving that there is no need to do so,
almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
- John Kenneth Galbraith

When life gets you down -
just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
- Anonymous humor

I am sorry to say that there is too much point to the wisecrack
that life is extinct on other planets
because their scientists were more advanced than ours.
- John F. Kennedy

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it
seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour
and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein

The faith that stands on authority is not faith.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact.
And the Beatles are the biggest bastards on earth.
- John Lennon

Fly Life on Free Wings, and Sing to its Glory.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Love is only a dirty trick played on us
to achieve continuation of the species.
- W. Somerset Maugham

If you want total security, go to prison.
There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on.
The only thing lacking... is freedom.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

I feel coming on a strange disease - humility.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

Advertisements contain the only truths
to be relied on in a newspaper.
- Thomas Jefferson

I always pass on good advice.
It is the only thing to do with it.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde

The man who can smile when things go wrong
has thought of someone else he can blame it on.
- Robert Bloch

One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

Even if you're on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.
- Will Rogers

Every man thinks God is on his side.
- Jean Anouilh

In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns

Life is like a roller coaster - scream Whee... on the way down,
and let the momentum carry you back up the next hill.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

It is an open question whether any behavior
based on fear of eternal punishment
can be regarded as ethical
or should be regarded as merely cowardly.
- Margaret Mead

I refuse to answer that question
on the grounds that I don't know the answer
- Douglas Adams

Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
- Winston Churchill

Do you feel stuck?
Whether in a project, a job, a relationship,
or some other situation,
there is a time for perseverance,
and a time for letting go and moving on.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I am not the same having seen the moon shine
on the other side of the world.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

A good traveler has no fixed plans,
and is not intent on arriving.
- Lao Tzu

One of the annoying things about believing in free will
and individual responsibility is the difficulty
of finding somebody to blame your problems on.
And when you do find somebody, it's remarkable
how often his picture turns up on your driver's license.
- P. J. O'Rourke

What we see depends mainly on what we look for.
- John Lubbock

When we step on the battlefield, I will be
The First Boots On and the Last Boots Off.
- LtG. Hal Moore

The God of Children and Fools:
There once was a man way up high,
who sat on his chair in the sky.
he called down to fool us,
and said he would rule us,
until we woke up bye and bye.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Sometimes I wonder if we shall ever grow up
in our politics and say definite things which mean something,
or whether we shall always go on using generalities
to which everyone can subscribe, and which mean very little.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Do not speak to me of rules.
This is war! This is not a game of cricket!
- from the movie The Bridge On The River Kwai

If we were to do the Second Coming of Christ
in color for a full hour,
there would be a considerable number of stations
which would decline to carry it on the grounds
that a Western or a quiz show would be more profitable.
- Edward R. Murrow

Let your life lightly dance on the edges of Time
like dew on the tip of a leaf.
- Rabindranath Tagore

Trust your own inner guidance.
Have faith that your steps are
carrying you toward your dreams.
Keep your eyes on the heavens
and believe that your feet will carry you well.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Try a new perspective on diversity.
Across the country and around the world,
we are all one.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.