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Funny Quotes about Life
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Funny On Quotes
Funny Quotes about On

Let these funny On Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde

Here are the opinions on which my facts are based.
- Anonymous PHOTO

Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie PHOTO

Sucking the marrow out of life
doesn't mean choking on the bone.
- Robin Williams as John Keating
in the 1989 movie Dead Poets Society


 

Drawing on my fine command of the English language,
I said nothing.
- Robert Benchley

My uncle Sammy was an angry man.
He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?
- Margaret Smith

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)


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A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck

He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor

A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always
depend on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw

When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein

My father would take me to the playground,
and put me on mood swings.
- Jay London

Oh, come on, Shrek, wake up and smell the pheromones!
- the movie Shrek (2001)

Tip the world over on its side and
everything loose will land in Los Angeles.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage
is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

I buy expensive suits.
They just look cheap on me.
- Warren Buffett

There's no reason to become alarmed,
and we hope you'll enjoy the rest of your flight.
By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
- the movie Airplane!

Crazy is walking down the street
with half a cantaloupe on your head,
muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."
- the movie Spy Hard (1996)

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
- Erma Bombeck

My Father had a profound influence on me.
He was a lunatic.
- Spike Milligan

The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death

Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove

I have six locks on my door all in a row.
When I go out, I lock every other one.
I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,
they are always locking three.
- Elayne Boosler

My plan was to kiss her with every lip on my face.
- the movie Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid

You can put wings on a pig,
but you don't make it an eagle.
- William J. Clinton

When your friends begin to flatter
you on how young you look,
it's a sure sign you're getting old.
- Mark Twain

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year
for cheating on my metaphysics final ...
I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.
- George Carlin

Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
- Bill Cosby

There's no better feeling in the world than a warm pizza box on your lap.
- Kevin James

Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children.
- Samuel Butler

My theory is that all of Scottish cuisine is based on a dare.
- Mike Myers

You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point

Hold on with a bulldog grip,
and chew and choke as much as possible.
- Abraham Lincoln

Advertisements contain the only truths
to be relied on in a newspaper.
- Thomas Jefferson

I am sorry to say that there is too much point to the wisecrack
that life is extinct on other planets
because their scientists were more advanced than ours.
- John F. Kennedy

When life gets you down -
just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.
- Anonymous humor

Life is like a sewer...
what you get out of it depends on what you put into it.
- Tom Lehrer

Human beings are the only creatures on the planet
who tell time and think they have to earn a living.
- Buckminster Fuller

I am certainly not an authority on love because there
are no authorities on love,
just those who've had luck with it and those who haven't.
- Bill Cosby

Man will occasionally stumble over the truth,
but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.
- Winston Churchill

Faced with the choice between changing one's mind
and proving that there is no need to do so,
almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
- John Kenneth Galbraith

A big part of letting go is recognizing
when it is time to stay in a situation
and when it is time to move on.
- Darren L. Johnson

The worst government is often the most moral.
One composed of cynics is often very tolerant and humane.
But when fanatics are on top there is no limit to oppression.
- H. L. Mencken

Just remember, after they foreclose on your mortgage,
you get a lot more sunshine in your life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Clothes make the man.
Naked people have little or no influence on society.
- Mark Twain

It is dangerous to be right in matters
on which the established authorities are wrong.
- Voltaire

Do you feel stuck?
Whether in a project, a job, a relationship,
or some other situation,
there is a time for perseverance,
and a time for letting go and moving on.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

If you want total security, go to prison.
There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on.
The only thing lacking... is freedom.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it
seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour
and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein

The trouble with having an open mind, of course,
is that people will insist on coming along
and trying to put things in it.
- Terry Pratchett

In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns

It is an open question whether any behavior
based on fear of eternal punishment
can be regarded as ethical
or should be regarded as merely cowardly.
- Margaret Mead

The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life.
Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul or we get fat.
- Albert Einstein

One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

Every man thinks God is on his side.
- Jean Anouilh

Life is like a roller coaster - scream Whee... on the way down,
and let the momentum carry you back up the next hill.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Even if you're on the right track,
you'll get run over if you just sit there.
- Will Rogers

You have to be a bastard to make it, and that's a fact.
And the Beatles are the biggest bastards on earth.
- John Lennon

Let your sympathies and your compassion
be always with the under dog in the fight -
this is magnanimity;
but bet on the other one - this is business.
- Mark Twain

If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong.
- Mo Udall

The faith that stands on authority is not faith.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I feel coming on a strange disease - humility.
- Frank Lloyd Wright

I am fond of pigs.
Dogs look up to us.
Cats look down on us.
Pigs treat us as equals.
- Winston Churchill

Fly Life on Free Wings, and Sing to its Glory.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The age of a woman doesn't mean a thing.
The best tunes are played on the oldest fiddles.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

The man who can smile when things go wrong
has thought of someone else he can blame it on.
- Robert Bloch

Love is only a dirty trick played on us
to achieve continuation of the species.
- W. Somerset Maugham

I love to shop after a bad relationship.
I don't know. I buy a new outfit
and it makes me feel better. It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit,
I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner

Well excuse me - we've got something
a little unusual going on here -
time travel, parallel universes,
or just a little common ordinary insanity.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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May the world be kind to you,
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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.