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Let these funny Animal House Quotes lighten up your life. And check out the humorous quotes of many more funny authors in my large collection.
Fat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, son.
- the movie National Lampoon's Animal House (1978)
I want to thank my parents for everything I am today -
fat, miserable, and paranoid.
- Anonymous
A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck
I don't care whose fault this was, just get it sorted!
And could someone please bring me something deep fat fried
and smothered in chocolate.
- the movie Shrek 2
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A conservative is a man who is
too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
- Elbert Hubbard
The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life.
Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul or we get fat.
- Albert Einstein
Mind Chatter...
"I'm too fat; I'm too thin; and my hair is a fright;
And I'm never enough; and my world is not right;
I'm not smart; I'm not cute; I'm not strong; I'm a bust
I earn scorn; I earn hate; I'm no good; I disgust."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner 
You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)
You'll live to be a hundred if you give up
all the things that make you want to.
- the movie Interiors
Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
Here's a toast to your new bride who has everything a girl
could want in her life, except for good taste in men.
- Anonymous
I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage
is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall
I feel the need to express something,
but I don't know what it is I want to express.
- the movie Interiors
Men always want to be a woman's first love -
women like to be a man's last romance.
- Oscar Wilde
My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
Marriage is a wonderful institution,
but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken
You want a friend in Washington? Get a dog.
- Harry S. Truman
Women want mediocre men,
and men are working to be as mediocre as possible.
- Margaret Mead
Take time to play!
Ask for what you want.
Laugh.
Live loudly.
Be avid.
Learn a new thing.
Be Yourself!
- Mary Anne Radmacher
If you want to make enemies,
try to change something.
- Woodrow Wilson
The jump is so frightening
between where I am,
and where I want to be.
Because of all I may become,
I will close my eyes and leap.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
When I want to be bold about my movement ...
I for sure do not call it exercise!
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Too many people spend money they haven't earned,
to buy things they don't want,
to impress people they don't like.
- Will Rogers
Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.
- Bill Cosby
I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Law of Contrariness:
Our chief want in life is somebody
who shall make us do what we can.
Having found them, we shall then hate them for it.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
How do you want to be remembered?
Live life full out - Begin today.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Experience is what you get when you don't get what you want.
- Dan Stanford
Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president,
but they don't want them to become politicians in the process.
- John F. Kennedy
If you want total security, go to prison.
There you're fed, clothed, given medical care and so on.
The only thing lacking... is freedom.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower
I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin
I want a girl just like good old mom,
who is different in every way.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
"But I don't want to go among mad people," said Alice.
"Oh, you can't help that," said the cat. "We're all mad here."
- Lewis Carroll
Confused Memories of Childhood:
Hate to my father, cruel hate,
confused with love - a mix not great.
The man I love - the man I hate;
the man I want to emulate.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The third certainty of life, after death and taxes,
is that nothing will work out the way you want.
Life is fully as bad as you think it is.
Choose to live joyfully anyway.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.
- Dave Barry
People are stupid;
given proper motivation, almost anyone will believe almost anything.
Because people are stupid, they will believe a lie
because they want to believe it's true,
or because they are afraid it might be true.
- Terry Goodkind
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow,
you gotta put up with the rain.
- Dolly Parton
If you want to be happy, be.
- Leo Tolstoy
If you want to make peace with your enemy,
you have to work with your enemy.
Then he becomes your partner.
- Nelson Mandela
Nearly all men can stand adversity,
but if you want to test a man's character, give him power.
- Abraham Lincoln
Intolerance betrays want of faith in one's cause.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Naturally, the common people don't want war ...
but after all it is the leaders of a country who determine the policy,
and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along,
whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship.
Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought
to the bidding of the leaders.
That is easy. All you have to do is tell them
they are being attacked,
and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism
and exposing the country to danger.
It works the same in every country.
- Hermann Goering
Whatever you want in life, start today.
Not tomorrow - today.
Let it be a small beginning - a tiny beginning.
Your happiness depends on starting today - every day.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
We believe whatever we want to believe.
- Demosthenes
You know you love someone when you know
you want them to be happy,
even if their happiness means
that you are not a part of it.
- Anonymous
Those that want friends to open themselves unto
are cannibals of their own hearts.
- Francis Bacon
Getting old is a fascination thing.
The older you get, the older you want to get.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
The moment we want to believe something,
we suddenly see all the arguments for it,
and become blind to the arguments against it.
- George Bernard Shaw
Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do
every minute of every day. And the invisible man
has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do.
And if you do any of these things,
he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire
and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin
If we want to direct our lives,
we must take control of our consistent actions.
It's not what we do once in a while that shapes our lives,
but what we do consistently.
- Anthony Robbins
We only see what we want to see,
and hear what we want to hear
- don Miguel Ruiz
If you want to do it,
Do It - TODAY.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Attention is the ability we have to discriminate
and to focus only on that which we want to perceive.
- don Miguel Ruiz
Never say goodbye when you still want to try,
never give up when you still feel you can't take it.
Never say you don't love the person anymore
when you can't let go.
- Anonymous
It's my party and I'll cry if I want to.
- Leslie Gore
Most of us are prisoners of habit,
and don't even notice that we do the same things,
think the same things, want the same things each day -
mostly without conscious thought.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Dream up the world you want to live in. Dream out loud.
- Bono
No one is in control of your happiness but you;
therefore, you have the power to change anything
about yourself or your life that you want to change.
- Barbara De Angelis
Just because an animal is large, it doesn't mean he doesn't want kindness;
however big Tigger seems to be, remember that he wants as much kindness as Roo.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)
You can have anything you want in life if you
just help enough other people get what they want.
- Zig Ziglar
Nine-tenths of the people were created
so you would want to be with the other tenth.
- Horace Walpole
The indispensable first step to getting
the things you want out of life is this:
Decide what you want.
- Ben Stein
We have to let go of all blame, all attacking, all judging,
to free our inner selves to attract what we say we want.
- Joe Vitale
Success is a state of mind.
If you want success,
start thinking of yourself as a success.
- Joyce Brothers
My reaction to porno films is as follows; After the first ten minutes,
I want to go home and screw; After the first twenty minutes,
I never want to screw again as long as I live
- Erica Jong
I want you to be concerned about your next door neighbor.
Do you know your next door neighbor?
- Mother Teresa
I want to have fun, and I want to change the world.
I have a chance to do both.
- Bono
If you want to improve,
be content to be thought foolish and stupid.
- Epictetus
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.