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Let these funny Jaundiced Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
A newborn does not have worry, or stress, or anger,
because they have not yet learned those things.
Consider what life would be like if you could
forget all the past resentments and perceived offenses
that color your thinking and your emotions.
Buddhists call that state "beginner mind" -
an opening to experience life
without the jaundiced filter of past disappointments.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Do not say, "It is morning,"
and dismiss it with a name of yesterday.
See it for the first time
as a newborn child that has no name.
- Rabindranath Tagore
Have a talk with your mind
(it really is something separate from yourself).
Lay down the law.
"My life begins TODAY.
I am like a newborn.
I have what I have today;
I have my fingers, my toes,
some people in my life,
some material and financial state.
Yesterday is only a dream -
perhaps a nightmare,
perhaps a cherished memory,
but only a dream - nothing more.
I will make all decisions and actions based solely
on what I have today as a starting point."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
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If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)
It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain
Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
"It's not that important,
don't worry about it" is the answer,
now what was the question?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I'm not used to feeling so human.
Is it always like this?
- Edward, from Twilight Saga by Stephenie Meyer
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.
- Anonymous
Mr. President, I'm not saying we wouldn't get our hair mussed.
But I do say no more than ten to twenty million killed, tops.
Uh, depending on the breaks.
- the movie Dr. Strangelove
Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
I'm not talking about lust.
A woman in lust wants chocolate.
A woman in love wants diamonds.
- the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek
DON'T get officious.
You're not yourself when you're officious -
That is the curse of a government job.
- the movie Harold and Maude (1971)
If at first you don't succeed,
skydiving is not for you.
- Anonymous
Yield to temptation. It may not pass your way again.
- Robert A. Heinlein
One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill
Two things are infinite:
the universe and human stupidity;
and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein
It's not the men in your life that counts,
it's the life in your men.
- Mae West, in the movie I'm No Angel
Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.
- Will Rogers
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
I care not much for a man's religion
whose dog and cat are not the better for it.
- Abraham Lincoln
It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
Personally, I'm always ready to learn,
although I do not always like being taught.
- Winston Churchill
The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
The key is, to not think of death as an end,
but as more of a very effective way to cut down on your expenses.
- the movie Love and Death
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
- Mark Twain
Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth
until the hour of separation.
- Khalil Gibran
Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing
for most of us that it is not.
- Oscar Wilde
I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer
What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
- Ursula K. Le Guin
For centuries, theologians have been explaining
the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.
- H. L. Mencken
The objection to Puritans is not that
they try to make us think as they do,
but that they try to make us do as they think.
- H. L. Mencken
Only two things are infinite,
the universe and human stupidity,
and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein
I do not believe that civilization will be wiped out
in a war fought with the atomic bomb.
Perhaps two-thirds of the people of the earth will be killed.
- Albert Einstein
For those who do not think,
it is best at least to rearrange
their prejudices once in a while.
- Luther Burbank
Delusion: belief said to be false by someone who does not share it.
- Thomas Szasz
Though I am a servant, I am not your servant.
- Ursula K. Le Guin
Man's nature is not essentially evil.
Brute nature has been known to
yield to the influence of love.
You must never despair of human nature.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
If Christ were here now there is one thing
he would not be - a Christian.
- Mark Twain
I want to be the white man's brother, not his brother-in-law.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
Genius may have its limitations,
but stupidity is not thus handicapped.
- Elbert Hubbard
I once had a rose named after me
and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue:
no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Politics is such a torment that I advise everyone
I love not to mix with it.
- Thomas Jefferson
When I want to be bold about my movement ...
I for sure do not call it exercise!
- Mary Anne Radmacher
The holy passion of Friendship is of so sweet
and steady and loyal and enduring a nature
that it will last through a whole lifetime,
if not asked to lend money.
- Mark Twain
One minute you're in the lunchroom at Glenwood High
and you ... blink and you're 40,
you blink again and you can see movies
at half price on a senior citizen's pass.
Ask not for whom the bell tolls, or to put it more accurately,
ask not for whom the toilet flushes.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity
Adventure is not outside man; it is within.
- George Eliot
Feeling sorry for yourself, and your present condition,
is not only a waste of energy
but the worst habit you could possibly have.
- Dale Carnegie
If you can not answer a man's argument,
all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
- Elbert Hubbard
The man who does not read good books
has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.
- Mark Twain
When dealing with people, remember you are
not dealing with creatures of logic,
but creatures of emotion.
- Dale Carnegie
As far as the laws of mathematics
refer to reality, they are not certain,
and as far as they are certain,
they do not refer to reality.
- Albert Einstein
Contrary to general belief,
I do not believe that friends are necessarily
the people you like best,
they are merely the people who got there first.
- Peter Ustinov
Do not use a hatchet to remove
a fly from your friend's forehead.
- Chinese Proverb
The trouble with the world is not
that people know too little,
but that they know so many things that ain't so.
- Mark Twain
I do not fear death.
I had been dead for billions and billions
of years before I was born,
and had not suffered the slightest inconvenience from it.
- Mark Twain
Do not speak to me of rules.
This is war! This is not a game of cricket!
- from the movie The Bridge On The River Kwai
Time you enjoy wasting, was not wasted.
- John Lennon
Science is a wonderful thing
if one does not have to earn one's living at it.
- Albert Einstein
My advice to you is get married:
if you find a good wife you'll be happy;
if not, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
People who say it cannot be done should not
interrupt those who are doing it.
- George Bernard Shaw
It's not very heroic to slay dragons.
Dragons are generally very peaceful and well behaved.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.