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Let these funny Delicious Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
I live in that solitude which is painful in youth,
but delicious in the years of maturity.
- Albert Einstein
Be Deliciously Naughty.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I am Counterpoint to the Clamor of the World.
I am Deliciously Naughty.
I am Enchantingly Whimsical.
I am Filled With Mischief and Giggles.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
What exactly is the function of a rubber duck?
- the movie Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets (2002) 
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Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz
A man wrapped up in himself makes a very small bundle.
- Benjamin Franklin
The only fool bigger than the person who knows it all
is the person who argues with him.
- Stanislaw Jerszy Lec
Yesterday is like a dung heap;
you can complain about the smell,
or you can use it to fertilize tomorrow's garden.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
If you do what you've always done,
you'll get what you always got.
- Mark Twain
Live life on the edge, not with an edge.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The trick is growing up without growing old.
- Casey Stengel
The first sigh of love is the last breath of wisdom.
- Anonymous
I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller
It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)
It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain
Anger spells dANGER.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
"It's not that important,
don't worry about it" is the answer,
now what was the question?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Love is an irresistible desire
to be irresistibly desired.
- Robert Frost
Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer
The proper office of a friend is to side with you
when you are in the wrong.
Nearly anybody will side with you when you are in the right.
- Mark Twain
It looks like we're up chocolate creek without a Popsicle stick!
- the movie Shrek 2 (2004)
Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak;
courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.
- Winston Churchill
Crazy is walking down the street
with half a cantaloupe on your head,
muttering; "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."
- the movie Spy Hard (1996)
When you are courting a nice girl
an hour seems like a second.
When you sit on a red-hot cinder
a second seems like an hour.
That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Anonymous
Well, you ask a silly question, and you get a silly answer.
- Tom Lehrer
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems,
but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
- Herm Albright
When life is like a slippery downhill slope,
go skiing and scream Whee... all the way down.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
You can observe a lot by just watching.
- Yogi Berra
Always do the right thing.
It will gratify some people and astonish the rest.
- Mark Twain
It is an interesting question how far men
would retain their relative rank
if they were divested of their clothes.
- Henry David Thoreau
If you obey all the rules you miss all the fun.
- Katharine Hepburn
Short words are best
and the old words, when short, are best of all.
- Winston Churchill
Why wait until you're dead,
when you can create your own Hell right here and now.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin
And you, Sonja, you look more beautiful
standing here than you do in person.
- the movie Love and Death (1975)
The time to relax is when you don't have time for it.
- Sydney Harris
Tell me about a person's family, friends, and community,
and I'll tell you what his opinions are.
- Mark Twain
(paraphrase)
A true friend stabs you in the front.
- Oscar Wilde
Time is but the stream I go a-fishing in.
- Henry David Thoreau
I once had a rose named after me
and I was very flattered.
But I was not pleased to read
the description in the catalogue:
no good in a bed, but fine up against a wall.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
Sometimes I lie awake at night and ask "Why me?"
Then a voice answers "Nothing personal,
your name just happened to come up. -
- Charlie Brown, in Charles M. Schulz' cartoon Peanuts
Love is what makes two people
sit in the middle of a park bench
when there is plenty of room at both ends.
- Anonymous
Boys will be boys. And even that wouldn't matter
if only we could prevent girls from being girls.
- Anne Frank
I have tried lately to read Shakespeare,
and found it so intolerably dull that it nauseated me.
- Charles Darwin
Get the facts first.
You can distort them later.
- Mark Twain
All diseases run into one - old age.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Laugh at Life - it's certainly laughing at you.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Love isn't an emotion or an instinct - it's an art.
- Mae West
Common looking people are the best in the world:
that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln
Faith is believing what you know ain't so.
- Mark Twain
Forget love... I'd rather fall in chocolate.
- Anonymous
Always speak the truth,
think before you speak,
and write it down afterwards.
- Lewis Carroll
Contrariwise, if it was so, it might be;
and if it were so, it would be;
but as it isn't, it ain't. That's logic.
- Lewis Carroll
Every spirit makes its house,
and we can give a shrewd guess
from the house to the inhabitant.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
You never can tell with bees.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)
Avoid popularity if you would have peace.
- Abraham Lincoln
It's not a mess.
It's a physical manifestation of
a wonderfully complex ability to
assess and compartmentalize information.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help,
and what he cannot help.
- Thomas Fuller
There's a fine line between genius and insanity.
I have erased this line.
- Oscar Levant
People who say it cannot be done should not
interrupt those who are doing it.
- George Bernard Shaw
Lord, where we are wrong,
make us willing to change;
where we are right,
make us easy to live with.
- Peter Marshall
In soloing - as in other activities -
it is far easier to start something
than it is to finish it.
- Amelia Earhart
Donkey, you HAVE the right to remain silent.
What you lack, is the capacity.
- said by Shrek in the movie Shrek 2
Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.
- Terry Pratchett
Trust your own instinct.
Your mistakes might as well be your own,
instead of someone else's.
- Billy Wilder
Well excuse me - we've got something
a little unusual going on here -
time travel, parallel universes,
or just a little common ordinary insanity.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Watch out, I have a Magic Wand.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Give the right man two fishes and some bread,
and he will feed the world;
give the wrong man two fishes and some bread
and he will invent the fast-food fish sandwich.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Though I am a servant, I am not your servant.
- Ursula K. Le Guin
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
- Anonymous
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.