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Funny Never Quotes
Funny Quotes about Never

Let these funny Never Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

The only thing to do with good advice is to pass it on.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde

Life is like a ten speed bicycle.
Most of us have gears we never use.
- Charles M. Schulz PHOTO

I never said most of the things I said.
- Yogi Berra

I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.
- Winston Churchill


 

I'd never been in play long enough for the flowers
to die in the dressing room.
- Mercedes McCambridge

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced
so they won't think something's wrong with me.
- Elayne Boosler


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Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
- Mae West

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller

Never call an accountant a credit to his profession;
a good accountant is a debit to his profession.
- Charles Lyell

Never fight an inanimate object.
- P. J. O'Rourke

I never expected to see the day when girls would get
sunburned in the places they now do.
- Will Rogers

Never raise your hand to your children -
it leaves your midsection unprotected.
- Robert Orben

And you just gotta remember, Sparky -
no matter what they tell you - you can NEVER have too much sugar.
- the movie Michael (1996)

Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?
- Edgar Bergen

I read that you should never go out with someone
if you can think of three reasons why you shouldn't.
- the movie Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason (2004)

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

We have a great life here in Alaska,
and we're never going back to America again!
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

I have never been hurt by what I have not said.
- Calvin Coolidge

You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly,
but I bet you ain't never seen a DONKEY fly!
- the movie Shrek (2001)

Never floss with a stranger.
- Joan Rivers

Never have more children than you have car windows.
- Erma Bombeck

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
- W. C. Fields

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.
- Bertrand Russell

People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.
- Dave Barry

Things have never been more like the way they are today in history.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Some things will never seem adequate
no matter how hard we try.
- from the movie White Man's Burden

Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends.
- H. L. Mencken

Eating words has never given me indigestion.
- Winston Churchill

Stay Happy, never let anyone get your goat.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I always pass on good advice.
It is the only thing to do with it.
It is never of any use to oneself.
- Oscar Wilde

Never put off till tomorrow
what you can do the day after tomorrow.
- Mark Twain

Man's nature is not essentially evil.
Brute nature has been known to
yield to the influence of love.
You must never despair of human nature.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Never give a sword to a man who can't dance.
- Confucius

Never stir up litigation.
A worse man can scarcely be found than one who does this.
- Abraham Lincoln

One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche

I never accepted the idea
that I had to be guided by
some pattern or blueprint.
- Little Richard

Which form of proverb do you prefer
Better late than never, or Better never than late?
- Lewis Carroll

I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives
as much as if we had never married at all.
- Lord Byron

Never try to teach a pig to sing.
It wastes your time, and it annoys the pig.
- Mark Twain

I never make stupid mistakes.
Only very, very clever ones.
- John Peel

You are Never Too Old to Give or Get Gold Stars.
Show Your Honest Appreciation - Today.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Never let the fear of striking out get in your way.
- Babe Ruth

Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves
for they shall never cease to be amused.
- Anonymous

It's never too late -
never too late to start over,
never too late to be happy.
- Jane Fonda

The savage in man is never quite eradicated.
- Henry David Thoreau

I was wise enough to never grow up
while fooling most people into believing I had.
- Margaret Mead

I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin

I never considered a difference of opinion
in politics, in religion, in philosophy,
as cause for withdrawing from a friend.
- Thomas Jefferson

One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar.
- Helen Keller

Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help,
and what he cannot help.
- Thomas Fuller

Never trust spiritual leader who doesn't dance.
- Miyagi: character in the movie The Next Karate Kid

Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing
for most of us that it is not.
- Oscar Wilde

One should always be in love.
That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde

The way for a young man to rise is
to improve himself in every way he can,
never suspecting that anybody wishes to hinder him.
- Abraham Lincoln

Do not take life too seriously.
You will never get out of it alive.
- Elbert Hubbard

A person who never made a mistake
never tried anything new.
- Albert Einstein

TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
- Anonymous

Until you've lost your reputation,
you never realize what a burden it was.
- Margaret Mitchell

You never can tell with bees.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)

The pure and simple truth is rarely pure and never simple.
- Oscar Wilde

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age.
If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
- Oscar Wilde

My father always told me that
all businessmen were sons of bitches,
but I never believed it till now.
- John F. Kennedy

You know the only people who are always sure about
the proper way to raise children? Those who've never had any.
- Bill Cosby

Our Joy comes from living our own lives simply -
never from demanding that others live simply -
or from ever making any demands whatsoever upon others.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle,
and the life of the candle will not be shortened.
Happiness never decreases by being shared.
- The Buddha

You are never too old to set another goal
or to dream a new dream.
- C. S. Lewis

Ignorance more frequently begets confidence than does knowledge:
it is those who know little, and not those who know much,
who so positively assert that this or that problem
will never be solved by science.
- Charles Darwin

Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates.
You never know what you're gonna get.
- the movie Forrest Gump

Mind Chatter...
"I'm too fat; I'm too thin; and my hair is a fright;
And I'm never enough; and my world is not right;
I'm not smart; I'm not cute; I'm not strong; I'm a bust
I earn scorn; I earn hate; I'm no good; I disgust."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

She drove me to drink.
That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
- the movie Never Give a Sucker an Even Break


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.