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Let these funny Bernard Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.
A happy family is but an earlier heaven.
- George Bernard Shaw
People who say it cannot be done should not
interrupt those who are doing it.
- George Bernard Shaw
A fashion is nothing but an induced epidemic.
- George Bernard Shaw
My way of joking is telling the truth;
that is the funniest joke in the world.
- George Bernard Shaw
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When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw 
Write your Sad times in Sand,
Write your Good times in Stone.
- George Bernard Shaw
A true friend is someone who
thinks that you are a good egg
even though he knows that
you are slightly cracked.
- Bernard Meltzer
We don't stop playing because we grow old;
we grow old because we stop playing.
- George Bernard Shaw
When a stupid man is doing something he is ashamed of,
he always declares that it's his duty.
- George Bernard Shaw
You see things and you say, Why?
But I dream things that never were and say, Why not
- George Bernard Shaw
There are those that look at things
the way they are, and ask "Why?"
I dream of things that never were, and ask "Why not?"
- Robert F. Kennedy paraphrase of George Bernard Shaw
The moment we want to believe something,
we suddenly see all the arguments for it,
and become blind to the arguments against it.
- George Bernard Shaw
Progress is impossible without change,
and those who cannot change their minds cannot change anything.
- George Bernard Shaw
Be who you are and say what you feel
because those who mind don't matter
and those who matter don't mind.
- commonly but falsely attributed to Dr. Seuss,
this misquote consists of the Bernard Baruch quote,
"Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."
with additional words added anonymously.
No man who is occupied in doing a very difficult thing,
and doing it very well, ever loses his self-respect.
- George Bernard Shaw
Life isn't about finding yourself.
Life is about creating yourself.
- George Bernard Shaw
Life is no brief candle to me.
It is a sort of splendid torch
which I have got a hold of for the moment,
and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible
before handing it on to future generations.
- George Bernard Shaw
Better keep yourself clean and bright;
you are the window through which
you must see the world.
- George Bernard Shaw
Our journey into consciousness of wealth
begins with the realization that we have already arrived!
- Michael Bernard Beckwith
The worst sin toward our fellow creatures
is not to hate them,
but to be indifferent to them:
that's the essence of inhumanity.
- George Bernard Shaw
Do not do unto others
as you expect they should do unto you.
Their tastes may not be the same.
- George Bernard Shaw
All great truths begin as blasphemies.
- George Bernard Shaw
The golden rule is that there are no golden rules.
- George Bernard Shaw
Beware of false knowledge;
it is more dangerous than ignorance.
- George Bernard Shaw
In this world there is always danger
for those who are afraid of it.
- George Bernard Shaw
People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are.
I don't believe in circumstances.
The people who get on in the world are the people who
get up and look for the circumstances they want,
and if they can't find them, make them.
- George Bernard Shaw
Life is like jumping out of an airplane without a parachute -
only the last couple seconds are fatal,
but most people are scared to death the whole way down.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Morality is simply the attitude we adopt
towards people whom we personally dislike.
- Oscar Wilde
Religion is the masterpiece of the art of animal training,
for it trains people as to how they should think.
- Arthur Schopenhauer
Half the people you know are below average.
- Anonymous
Will the people in the cheaper seats clap your hands?
And the rest of you, if you'll just rattle your jewelry.
- John Lennon
I wanted to see exotic Vietnam, the jewel of Southeast Asia.
I, uh, I wanted to meet interesting
and stimulating people of an ancient culture,
and kill them.
- the movie Full Metal Jacket
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
The more you explain it, the more I don't understand it.
- Mark Twain
I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry
Half the world is composed of idiots,
the other half, of people clever enough
to take indecent advantage of them.
- Walter Kerr
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
- Albert Einstein
The Lord prefers common-looking people.
That is why he makes so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln
Some cause happiness wherever they go;
others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde
We make our friends; we make our enemies;
but God makes our next-door neighbor.
- Gilbert (G. K.) Chesterton
In critical moments men sometimes see
exactly what they wish to see.
- the character Spock of the television series Star Trek
Too bad all the people who know how to run this country
are busy running taxicabs or cutting hair.
- George Burns
Nothing so needs reforming as other people's habits.
- Mark Twain
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
Advertising is the art of convincing people to spend money
they don't have for something they don't need.
- Will Rogers
People who are wrapped up in themselves make small packages.
- Benjamin Franklin
Interesting.
You Earth people glorify organized violence for 40 centuries,
but you imprison those who employ it privately.
- the character Spock in the television series Star Trek
A positive attitude may not solve all your problems,
but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort.
- Herm Albright
Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.
- Anonymous
There is no use whatsoever trying to help
people who do not help themselves.
You cannot push anyone up a ladder
unless he is willing to climb himself.
- Andrew Carnegie
Contrary to general belief,
I do not believe that friends are necessarily
the people you like best,
they are merely the people who got there first.
- Peter Ustinov
Knowing your own darkness is the best method
for dealing with the darknesses of other people.
- Carl Jung
I was wise enough to never grow up
while fooling most people into believing I had.
- Margaret Mead
If you're going to tell people the truth,
be funny or they'll kill you.
- Billy Wilder
People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.
- Dave Barry
To go against the dominant thinking of your friends,
of most of the people you see every day,
is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can perform.
- Theodore H. White
Oh, you weak, beautiful people
who give up with such grace.
What you need is someone to take hold of you -
gently, with love, and hand your life back to you.
- Tennessee Williams
Most people enjoy the inferiority of their best friends.
- Lord Chesterfield
An idea isn't responsible for the people who believe in it.
- Don Marquis
Too many people spend money they haven't earned,
to buy things they don't want,
to impress people they don't like.
- Will Rogers
The most important service rendered
by the press and the magazines
is that of educating people
to approach printed matter with distrust.
- Samuel Butler
People say conversation is a lost art;
how often I have wished it were.
- Edward R. Murrow
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people
by the people for the people.
- Oscar Wilde
When dealing with people, remember you are
not dealing with creatures of logic,
but creatures of emotion.
- Dale Carnegie
Common looking people are the best in the world:
that is the reason the Lord makes so many of them.
- Abraham Lincoln
The trouble with the world is not
that people know too little,
but that they know so many things that ain't so.
- Mark Twain
A common denominator of all religions is that
they have the power to bring out the best and the worst in people.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Most people's historical perspective
begins with the day of their birth.
- Rush Limbaugh
I only wish that ordinary people
had an unlimited capacity for doing harm;
then they might have an unlimited power for doing good.
- Socrates
Join the army. Visit strange and exotic places.
Meet fascinating people. And kill them.
- Anonymous
There are two kinds of people,
those who do the work,
and those who take the credit.
Try to be in the first group;
there is less competition there.
- Indira Gandhi
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.