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Funny Times Quotes
Funny Quotes about Times

Let these funny Times Quotes from my large collection of funny quotes about life add a little humor to your day.

Write your Sad times in Sand,
Write your Good times in Stone.
- George Bernard Shaw

I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,
the first of which is to be flexible at all times.
- Everett Dirksen

Giving up smoking is the easiest thing in the world.
I know because I've done it thousands of times.
- Mark Twain

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous


 

My wife and I tried two or three times in the last 40 years
to have breakfast together,
but it was so disagreeable we had to stop.
- Winston Churchill

I don't think the intelligence reports are all that hot.
Some days I get more out of the New York Times.
- John F. Kennedy

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -
a practice which is still continued.
- Helen Rowland


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Politics is almost as exciting as war, and quite as dangerous.
In war you can only be killed once, but in politics many times.
- Winston Churchill

I seldom think about my limitations,
and they never make me sad.
Perhaps there is just a touch of yearning at times;
but it is vague, like a breeze among flowers.
- Helen Keller

Times like these, dark times,
they do funny things to people.
They can tear them apart.
- the movie Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince (2009)

Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.
- William Shakespeare

I have lost my seven best friends,
which is to say that God has had mercy on me
seven times without realizing it.
He lent a friendship, took it from me, and sent me another.
- Jean Cocteau

The darkest places in hell are reserved for those who
maintain their neutrality in times of moral crisis.
- Dante Alighieri

In all of his bestsellers, the Divine has told the truth,
custom-tailored to the comprehension of the times.
- Ernest Holmes

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what it used to be.
- Paul Valery

I love everyone, unconditionally,
at all times, exactly as they are.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Well-being is making its way to you at all times.
If you will relax and find a way to allow it,
it will be your experience.
- Abraham (Esther Hicks)

One of the most feared expressions in modern times
is 'The computer is down.'
- Norman Ralph Augustine

Bad times have a scientific value.
These are occasions a good learner would not miss.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

It is a thousand times better to have common sense
without education than to have education without common sense.
- Robert Green Ingersoll

By nature, we are all creatures of habit.
We instinctively adopt familiar routines for most activities.
We eat about the same number of meals each day -
at more or less the same times.
We have a regular pattern of sleeping -
unless it is perturbed by illness or shift work.
Most everything we do is habitual.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Success is falling nine times and getting up ten.
- Jon Bon Jovi

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love.
I'd stepped in it a few times.
- Rita Rudner

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
- Henny Youngman

There are times, sir, when men of good conscience
cannot blindly follow orders.
- Captain Picard, STAR TREK: The Next Generation

Most children threaten at times to run away from home.
This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
- Phyllis Diller

Form follows profit is the aesthetic principle of our times.
- Richard Rogers

Mastery is not measured by the number of terrible
things you eliminate from your life, but by
the number of times you eliminate calling them terrible.
- Neale Donald Walsch

Many important things shouldn't be done half-way.
Think of getting married, having children,
starting a business, changing your career.
There are times to gather your courage
and make the leap, the whole leap.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

In these times you have to be an optimist to open your
eyes when you awake in the morning.
- Carl Sandburg

Fall seven times, stand up eight.
- Japanese Proverb

In the midst of these hard times it is our good health
and good sleep that are enjoyable.
- Knute Nelson

This time, like all times, is a very good one,
if we but know what to do with it.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

To eat well in England, you should have a breakfast three times a day.
- W. Somerset Maugham

It's essential to tell the truth at all times.
This will reduce life's pain.
Lying distorts reality.
All forms of distorted thinking must be corrected.
- John Bradshaw

Forgiveness is not always easy.
At times, it feels more painful
than the wound we suffered,
to forgive the one that inflicted it.
And yet, there is no peace without forgiveness.
- Marianne Williamson

We must adjust to changing times
and still hold to unchanging principles.
- Jimmy Carter

Baseball is the only field of endeavor where a man
can succeed three times out of ten and be considered a good performer.
- Ted Williams

At all times and under all circumstances,
we have the power to transform the quality of our lives.
- Werner Erhard

I do love Italian food.
Any kind of pasta or pizza.
My new pig out food is Indian food.
I eat Indian food like three times a week.
It's so good.
- Jennifer Love Hewitt

When I hear music, I fear no danger.
I am invulnerable. I see no foe.
I am related to the earliest times, and to the latest.
- Henry David Thoreau

The hottest place in Hell is reserved for those
who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Teachers are expected to reach unattainable goals with inadequate tools.
The miracle is that at times they accomplish this impossible task.
- Haim G. Ginott

Each memorable verse of a true poet has two or three
times the written content.
- Alfred de Musset

In war, you can only be killed once,
but in politics, many times.
- Winston Churchill

A man can fail many times,
but he isn't a failure until
he begins to blame somebody else.
- John Burroughs

In times of great stress or adversity,
it's always best to keep busy,
to plow your anger and your energy
into something positive.
- Lee Iacocca

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times,
always with the same person.
- Germaine Greer

I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure.
I make mistakes, I am out of control
and at times hard to handle.
But if you can't handle me at my worst,
then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.
- Marilyn Monroe

Politics are very much like war.
We may even have to use poison gas at times.
- Winston Churchill

As I've said many times, the single most oppressed
class in America right now is the teenager.
- Joe Bob Briggs

It is a sad commentary of our times when our young
must seek advice and counsel from "Dear Abby" instead of going to Mom and Dad.
- Abigail Van Buren

The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands
in moments of comfort and convenience,
but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

Kindness goes a long ways lots of times when it ought to stay at home.
- Kin Hubbard

If we gave up eating beef we would have roughly 20
to 30 times more land for food than we have now.
- James Lovelock

There is that in the glance of a flower which may at
times control the greatest of creation's braggart lords.
- John Muir

Am I a romantic? I've seen 'Wuthering Heights' ten times.
I'm a romantic.
- Johnny Depp

In these times, God's people must trust him for rest of body and soul.
- David Wilkerson

Love is a fruit in season at all times,
and within reach of every hand.
- Mother Teresa

Do not quit!
Hundreds of times I have watched people throw in the
towel at the one-yard line while someone else comes
along and makes a fortune by just going that extra yard.
- E. Joseph Cossman

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance,
and to turn around three times before lying down.
- Robert Benchley

I don't smoke, don't drink much, and go to the gym five times a week.
I live a healthy lifestyle and feel great.
I can run a marathon, you know.
- Sarah Michelle Gellar

Let us learn to appreciate there will be times when the trees will be bare,
and look forward to the time when we may pick the fruit.
- Anton Chekhov

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare.
They are consumed in twelve minutes.
Half-times take twelve minutes.
This is not coincidence.
- Erma Bombeck

There may be times when we are powerless
to prevent injustice, but there must never
be a time when we fail to protest.
- Elie Wiesel

Tough times never last but tough people do.
- Robert H. Schuller

At times our own light goes out
and is rekindled by a spark from another person.
Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude
of those who have lighted the flame within us.
- Albert Schweitzer

I think and think for months and years.
Ninety-nine times, the conclusion is false.
The hundredth time I am right.
- Albert Einstein

I have unbounded compassion for myself
at all times and under all circumstances.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I forgive myself completely
for having created stories of suffering.
I forgive myself for all
my angers, resentments, jealousies,
and all the other emotions of suffering.
I have unbounded compassion for myself
at all times and under all circumstances.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Preach the Gospel at all times and when necessary use words.
- St. Francis of Assisi


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

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