Enter one or two keywords to search these Funny Quotes.

Hint: keep it simple, like life twain



Facebook share   Tweet This   Email this

Funny Quotes about Life
Funny Quotes about Life | Funny Love Quotes | Links | About
Search:   A-   B-   Ca-   Co-   D-   E-   F-   G-   H-    I-    J-K-L   M-   N-O   Pa-   Pr-   Q-R   Sa-   Sk-   T-   U-V-W-X-Y-Z

One great thing about getting old is that
by George Carlin

One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin

No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin


Get a Funny Quote of the Day each day by email or in your feed reader.

 Subscribe in a reader -- or
Enter your email address:




Delivered by FeedBurner


I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin


 

Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I'd have to say that the universe
aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin

If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- George Carlin

Honesty may be the best policy,
but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin

I don't like to think of laws
as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
- George Carlin

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- George Carlin

The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin

So far, this is the oldest I've been.
- George Carlin

Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin

If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
- George Carlin

I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- George Carlin

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them;
I loathe and despise the groups
they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin

Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin

As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,
he no longer is.
- George Carlin

Capitalism tries for a delicate balance:
It attempts to work things out so that
everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
- George Carlin

Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do
every minute of every day. And the invisible man
has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do.
And if you do any of these things,
he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire
and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

Be careful not to do your good deeds
when there's no one watching you.
- Tom Lehrer

If you are not one of us, you are one of them.
- the movie The Matrix (1999)

Give a man one rabbit, and he will eat for a day;
give a man two rabbits, and he will
feed his family and his neighbors
and return you 64,768 rabbits in change.
- Anonymous

You ask me if I keep a notebook
to record my great ideas.
I've only ever had one.
- Albert Einstein

You're already a bastard.
Might as well be an enlightened one.
- the movie Simon Birch

It is a truth universally acknowledged that
when one part of your life starts going okay,
another falls spectacularly to pieces.
- the movie Bridget Jones Diary

Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.
- H. L. Mencken

One cannot have everything the way he would like it.
A man has no business to be depressed by a disappointment,
anyway; he ought to make up his mind to get even.
- Mark Twain

Everyone should have at least two friends -
one to talk to and one to talk about.
- Anonymous

One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin

You know, it takes two to get one in trouble.
- the movie She Done Him Wrong (1933)

No one can have a higher opinion of you than I have,
and I think you're a slimy, contemptible sewer rat!
- the movie The Great Mouse Detective

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

There's a couple of things they don't teach you
in Harvard Business School,
one is how to cope with defeat,
the other is how to handle a shotgun.
- The Simpsons Movie (2007)

A friend is someone who will bail you out of jail.
A best friend is the one sitting next
to you saying "boy was that fun."
- The Maugles

One man's theology is another man's belly laugh.
- Robert A. Heinlein

When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland

Oh, if only God would give me some sign.
If He would just speak to me once. Anything.
One sentence. Two words. If He would just cough.
- the movie Love and Death

One does not leave a convivial party before closing time.
- Winston Churchill

Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.
You've got everything except one thing: madness!
- the movie Zorba The Greek

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.
- Ogden Nash

The rite of the rings appeals yet appalls:
a cutting, a joining, a losing, a gaining.
One becomes half, as two become one.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Science is a wonderful thing
if one does not have to earn one's living at it.
- Albert Einstein

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous

"Appeasement" is the policy of feeding your friends to a crocodile,
one at a time, in hopes that the crocodile will eat you last.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt

Thaw with her gentle persuasion is more powerful
than Thor with his hammer.
The one melts, the other breaks into pieces.
- Henry David Thoreau

The essence of all religions is one.
Only their approaches are different.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Education is a method whereby
one acquires a higher grade of prejudices.
- Laurence J. Peter

Being a leader is like being a lady,
if you have to go around telling people you are one, you aren't.
- Margaret Thatcher

A fanatic is one who can't change his mind
and won't change the subject.
- Winston Churchill

Principles have no real force except when one is well-fed.
- Mark Twain

A true friend is one who
overlooks your failures
and tolerates your success.
- Doug Larson

The best thing about the future is
that it comes one day at a time.
- Abraham Lincoln

One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche

I've developed a new philosophy...
I only dread one day at a time.
- the character Charlie Brown in Charles M. Schulz' Peanuts comic

Life is just one damned thing after another.
- Elbert Hubbard (Philistine - A Periodical of Protest, 1896)

Faced with the choice between changing one's mind
and proving that there is no need to do so,
almost everyone gets busy on the proof.
- John Kenneth Galbraith

Stories of imagination tend to upset those without one.
- Terry Pratchett

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism.
To steal from many is research.
- Anonymous

One should never trust a woman who tells her real age.
If she tells that, she'll tell anything.
- Oscar Wilde

One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar.
- Helen Keller

In life you are given two ends;
one to think with and the other to sit on.
Your success in life depends on which end you use most.
Heads you win, tails you lose.
- Conrad Burns

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand,
you'll find one at the end of your arm.
- Audrey Hepburn

I'm sure we all agree that we ought to love one another
and I know there are people in the world
that do not love their fellow human beings
and I HATE people like that.
- Tom Lehrer


Thank you for visiting: One great thing about getting old is that by George Carlin.

Please sign up on the form below to receive
my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes email.

You can also search my large collection of Funny Quotes.

May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


Funny Quotes

 


All materials & writings are copyright © Jonathan Lockwood Huie, except for quotes and other specifically identified material which belong to their respective copyright holders if applicable.